Talk to me about age gaps

[DriftGames]

A bit of background - I have 1DD (13mo) and absolutely adore being a mum. I'm turning 26 so i have plenty of time, DH is 31. We live in a nice 3 bed house both with secure jobs.

My question is about age gaps. We've both decided that we think we want another baby. Not soon, and it's still up for debate, but we're both keen on the idea. He found becoming a dad quite hard - responsibility wise. He wasn't quite aware how much we would change when becoming parents and how hard work babies/children actually are. We've had many a row but thankfully we're both very much on the same page now and parent together nicely.
I took to being a mum quite naturally which shocked me as I've never been maternal, but I did suffer with what I think was PND, potentially aided by lockdown and living away from my hometown & family.

So given the above, I'd like to hear your experiences of age gaps in children and how you coped/wish you'd done it sooner/later etc.

Personally I think it’s nice to have enough of a gap that you can get a good stint back at work in between the two kids.

Also not sure how your DD is with sleeping etc but mine didn’t sleep through until 21 months and I’m not sure I’d manage another pregnancy if I wasn’t getting a good nights sleep every night. It’s going to be tough again with a newborn awake all hours but at least I’m getting good rest while pregnant l, I have pregnant friends whose toddlers don’t sleep through and they are knackered.

However once the gap gets bigger it can be harder to find stuff to entertain them both eg it’s easier to think of trips and activities for a 3 and 1 year old than a 5 and 1 year old.

So I reckon starting trying again when DD turns two is a good compromise, you will then hopefully end up with a gap of around 3 years? We will have 2.5 years gap and I wish it was a little bigger.

Ps. I also had PND and you are at higher risk of getting it again if you have had it before, so take into account that too, probably easier to cope with PND and a newborn if your DD is a bit older

My son has recently turned 3 and I am 40weeks pregnant with number 2. We planned this sort of age gap, mostly because at 3 my son became eligible for 30hrs funded at nursery so childcare costs would reduce at that point.

Seems a bit mercenary, and I suppose it is, but the other benefits I can already see are, my son got loads of 1:1 time with us, he sleeps through the night, he can talk pretty well and has a bit more understanding of what is going on.

I have two years between my sister and I, and I think I'd had that age gap in my head for most of my life, but I'm pretty happy with 3 years at the moment, even though #2 hasn't actually deigned us with her presence yet!

My oldest was 3 years 1 month even baby was born and it's a great age gap. She understood I was pregnant the whole time, and could understand when she needed to be quiet etc when baby was born. She was potty trained so only 1 lot of nappies etc and could fetch snacks/ drinks for herself too!! She's now a doting big sister and they enjoy similar things. I actually wanted a smaller gap but I'm pleased it ended up this way

We have a 2 year, 10 month age gap and for us that was perfect. DD could understand what was going on, is out of the pram, toilet trained, less in need of carrying, can dress herself (if she feels like it), has stopped napping so I don’t have to juggle different nap times, sleeps through and gets funded hours at nursery so she gets that stimulation and our baby DS gets one on one time. DD has also made this maternity leave a lot more fun as she’s good company. I don’t think I could have managed a smaller age gap as my DH works long hours so I do it all during the week and I find the sleep deprivation hard to deal with.

There are two years between my eldest two so first was 15 months old when I fell pregnant. The gap is nice but mine fought like cat and dog - they still do now at 16 and 18! My youngest came along 8 years later and that has been fab.

Pros of smaller - you have everything ready, you are still in the baby/toddler mindset, family activities suit them both as similar ages
Cons - they won't necessarily get on, I never felt like I really had time with the baby as I had a very demanding toddler, teens are very expensive - having them both reaching holidays abroad with school, driving lessons, car, uni, etc at the same time is hard.

Pros of bigger - this might just be relevant to me but I was older, wider and more financially secure so was much more laid back, the older two loved to help, I can pop to the shops etc and the older two can watch him (he is 7 now not newborn!), the older two were in school in the day so I had lots of time with baby and then could focus on the older ones when they got home
Cons of bigger - sometimes it feels like he is an only child, the older ones don't want to come with us on certain days out, finding an activity suitable for all is harder, you may have to start from scratch with equipment etc,

Obviously it will be different for everyone but these are just my experiences. 😊

I personally think I timed it perfectly! (For myself)
My daughter is 4 years and 4 months older than my baby who is now 2 months old :)
She is July born she started school this year, 2 months before she was born. She was old enough to explain what was going on and she was so excited. She was annouce that it was her baby to everyone and it was very cute. She came during the October half term, so my first daughter got to be at home with us for the first few days at home then went to school the next week. Her having time at school has been amazing for me as I can chill during school hours with baby. My eldest also has her own time at school and its not all baby baby baby. I can focus more on her when she is home from school.
She has adjusted surprisingly well as she is queen diva Haha. She got a little jealous here and there but it was easy to spot and talk to her about. She can be a tiny bit to heavy handed with her but that's my only complaint, she gets really in her face and she loves to kiss her Haha, I have to keep reminding her that's probably not nice for her! But now shes smiling and babbling eldest DD loves it. Me and my sister are 18 months apart. Basically twins! We had an alright relationship but we are really close now. My mum said that it was a bit of a blur when we were babies but it was useful growing up as we were into the same things at the same time!

I think a 3ish years is a good age gap. You get to enjoy your first and they become more independent so it’s easier with the second. Having two is hard work and I would say you at 13 mo the you haven’t encountered the really challenging parts in terms of tantrums, discipline etc so It would be unwise to decide now based on what it’s like with a young toddler

We have a 5 year gap, not intended as there were two miscarriages in between. I often wonder if there would be more playing if they were closer in age, but it is an absolute godsend to know that the eldest can look after herself, doesn’t need constant monitoring, whilst I’m chasing around after a nightmare toddler.
As someone else said too, I got loads of important stuff done between the two.

We have just under 4 years. Ideally it would have been a smaller gap but I miscarried in between. My eldest is old enough to be quite independent and actually very helpful with the baby - there is also no jealousy or squabbling over toys etc. I was also on mat leave to settle her into school which meant she didn't have super long days to start with so that was lovely. Downside is I think they will always be a little too far apart to really play together or be into the same things. We are helped that our 4 year old is quite nurturing so she thinks of her brother as her baby!
Most of our baby friends had 2 or 3 year gaps - that meant I didn't have the same network around for mat leave 2 ( we were in lcokdown for most of it so that didn't make too much difference) but that might be a consideration

I've got 4.5 years between DD1 and 2 and its been great. They've still got things in common and DD1 was in school so I could give DD2 more attention.

I'm now pregnant with DS. They will be 10 and 6 when he's born... Now that will be interesting!
But my friend has a sister and brother and the gap is 10 years in between each sibling and they are very close.

Also really recommend a 3/4 year gap, elder child is much more self-sufficient - can toilet/dress/walk as needed, understanding is also much better, and depending on the child they can also be really very helpful (and enjoy it!) - fetching nappies, wipes, clothes etc, entertaining baby while you have a a quick shower. Gap is small enough though that they can also play together absolutely beautifully. I have a 4yr and 1 yr old - gap is 3yr1m - they adore each other and are already very close. I honestly don’t know how anyone does it with a smaller gap.

There's 20 months between mine and it's the perfect age gap. We want a third but because of covid those plans are on hold. It'll mean there'll be at least a 3.5 year age gap between the second and third and it makes me a little sad.
I'm sure it'll be fine and it will have its own benefits.

Going to be 9.5 years between my two! Not intended that way but everyone keeps telling me how easy it all will be!

Several of my friends went for the 2 year age gap. I have no idea how they did it! Couldn’t have handled being pregnant with a 14 month old, couldn’t have handle a newborn with a tantruming 2 year old.

We have an almost exact 3 yr age gap and, while DS2 is only 8 weeks, so far so good. DS1 is fully toilet trained, can walk decent distances so no double buggy needed, can push through without a nap for greater flexibility, is able to understand that he needs to wait sometimes and why, has surprising patience with the baby. He’s so adorable with his little brother, I hope it continues as they get older. As mentioned about, he gets his 3 yr nursery funded hours too which definitely helps as we’ll have a 9 month overlap with them both in nursery. I think they’re close enough in age to hopefully share some interests and play together too, when baby is bigger. Three years, so far, feels like the right gap for us.

Nearly 3 years and as PP have said it's a good gap. DD1 is potty trained, sleeps in a bed, walks every where, can play independently, gets into car seat herself so it's good in terms of day to day ease and not having to buy any more baby equipment. Downsides is there is a bit of jealousy but it's getting better and she does keep waking her baby sister up which is annoying.

Wow, thanks everyone! This has been great. I always had 3ish years in my head and from most of your experiences, this sounds great however those with larger age gaps also make very good points too!

A lot to think about now. DH and I have said we would prefer a slightly more normal world before we were to try again but totally understand that A. This could take a long, long time (if ever) and B. If we decide a certain age gap would be ideal then we can't wait for a pandemic to pass!

Few days short of 4 years between my two. They fight like cat and dog now at 3 and 7 which was unexpected. Also felt like starting all over again with dd2.

However dd1 finished nursery and started school while I was on mat leave so I got 1-1 time with the baby and only one child in nappies/1 lot of nursery fees at a time which is why we have the age gap we have, couldn’t afford 2 lots of nursery fees.

Dd1 was a lot more independent and could ‘help’ me with her baby sister and able to understand when I couldn’t come to her right away and I had had 3 years at work to save etc before another maternity leave.

We had a two year age gap with our two. It does feel like you are in the trenches for the first year or two. But it is worth it when you get our of the other side. And can ditch nappies, sleepless nights, the buggy, the noisy, singing toys and lugging around a changing bag all of the time.

The negative for this age gap is childcare costs for two pre schoolers are extortionate. I worked evenings around DHs hours for three years to avoid paying for childcare. Which was hard in itself.

I think anything bigger than three years would feel very, very hard. You start to really get your life and independence back as the kids hit that age and also become more independent. I would find it very hard going from a 4 year old back to the new born stage.

DH and I were very similar. I had PND and we both struggled to adapt to being new parents. But it was much easier second time around. We were blessed with two DC that slept through early on. I would never consider another baby if they were still up in the night every night at 18 months.