New mum - feeling so lonely and lost

[Trufflepuffpuff]

I've got a six week old baby and it's been a bit of a rollercoaster. After a fairly settled few weeks, she's not sleeping well at the moment and seems very unsettled. The GP thinks it may be colic, wind or reflux.

I also really struggled with breastfeeding (and access to any support) and so she's now bottle fed. It felt like the right decision for me at the time but now I'm doubting myself. I feel like I'm being judged whenever I tell anyone that she's bottle fed, including the doctors. I also feel like maybe if I'd continued to try and breastfeed we wouldn't be in this position now, and that I've let her down.

There seem to be a lot of organisations offering support to breastfeeding mums but I feel a bit forgotten about, or as if I don't deserve to get support.

I'm in a tier 4 area and haven't seen my family in ages, haven't seen a doctor or health visitor in person and just feel a bit lonely and unsupported.

I've got friends, including other mums, nearby but I don't feel like anyone totally sympathises with the situation, and their babies mostly seem more settled and happy.

I think I'm just after some reassurance that it'll get better. It all feels a bit overwhelming right now.

I should add, DH is great but we're both exhausted and it's new to both of us so we feel a bit lost.

Oh please don't beat yourself up. Looking after a baby is bloody hard work, especially because you start at a disadvantage due to being exhausted from the birth.
I'm sure you are doing a great job and your baby is fed, clean, warm and looked after.
Breastfeeding is not easy and the support is not there.
Your baby will be fine.
I found it so hard at the beginning, tried to breast feed and it was excruciating and my daughter just threw up everything all the time.
I gave up because it wasn't worth my mental health.
She's 13 now, happy, healthy, intelligent.
The best piece of advice I can give you is it will pass. Every stage is a phase and you will get the hang of it all.
Please please don't pressurise yourself, it's totally unnecessary and counter productive.
You are great, you will be great, all will be well. Just hang in there.
Soon you will get smiles and laughs and it will be brilliant.

Hello! Just wanted to let you know that from weeks 3-7, my breastfed baby was exactly the same, so it's nothing to do with being formula fed! Formula is a wonderful thing and you should be proud that you made the right decision for you and your baby! I put my baby in the car at nights, sometimes up to three times and then trudged through the rest of the night until morning! Hang in there, you're doing amazing!

6 weeks is still very early into your parenting journey. Babies cry and wake often. Nothing you’re experiencing is any different to how it should be. Be kind to yourself, sleep when you can and just remember it’s all normal, we’ve all been there and EVERYTHING is a phase. You’re doing great. Be strong a little longer and come spring everything will be a little brighter. Come summer your little one will be sitting in a little paddling pool while you and your family look on

My baby is 9 weeks now by the way!

I totally understand how you feel OP. My baby is 3.5 weeks old and also suffers from reflux and it’s really hard - it’s so full on when they won’t settle or sleep.

Don’t feel guilty about bottle feeding - your baby is fed, and you made the right decision for you. Your mental health and stress levels are so important, it’s ok to make a decision to preserve those.

Is your baby being treated for reflux? Mine is on baby gaviscon now and I think it’s helping a bit - he does seem less troubled now.

Also, have you tried minbie bottles? I’m using them to give my baby his gaviscon and he finds them so much easier to latch onto and suckle from. They’re designed to be anti colic, anti reflux etc, the shape of them mimics the shape of a breast.

I also have a lovely, supportive and helpful husband but it’s still hard. It sounds pathetic / selfish to say it but we’re both finding it hard to go from always being each other’s topmost priority to the baby being our first priority (even though that’s totally right and we wouldn’t change it!). Even though we’re still there for each other and supporting each other, it can feel a bit lonely compared to how it was before.

I think the key thing to remember is that it won’t last forever. Our babies will grow out of reflux, they will be more settled and sleep for longer. We’ll start to feel more human and like our old selves again!

Oh OP, I'm sorry you are going through a tough time. My second DD is 8 weeks old, I'm feeling lonely too. Did you know if you have a baby under 1 you can form a support bubble? Do you have family or friends near by that would do that with you? I have it with my mum. But she still works, all I want is my friends round for a cup of tea.
Please dont beat your self up about breast feeding, i know it's easier said than done. My first daughter was a dream to breast feed, this time around it's not as great. I'm thinking if it doesnt get better I wont be able to go on as long as I did the first time. But she wont take a bottle either! Her latch is terrible and she has really bad reflux. It's not you, it's the baby. All babys are so different, I'm not doing anything different than I did with my first but shes just not very good a latching on to anything. I was bottle fed as my mum didnt want to breast feed! At the end of the day it's a choice, please dont feel guilty, a fed happy baby is the most important thing. And both my babies had colic and they were both breast fed, the fact you did for this long is amazing and your baby got all it needed from you in its first days. Your doing amazing, it's just temporary. She will be up and running rings around before you know it and you will think back to the cuddly newborn days! Xx

Everything Aahotep said . There's no instruction manual. Don't compare yourself to others. Just do what you think is best. Get sleep whenever you can. It does get easier x

Don't feel bad! I tried breastfeeding with first. Beat myself up about struggling so much and finally decided enough was enough when I was sat at a supposed breastfeeding support group on a tiny plastic chair, wearing my parka trying to rugby hold my gigantic baby! Bottle fed since and he's a happy, healthy boy. Also bottle feed the 2nd and really like being able to share feeds so equally with dh. Others won't be judging you- and if they are, then they clearly aren't very nice, supportive people and not the type whose opinion you should listen to! If you want to keep trying, my friend found online lactation consultant session helpful. Best advice my friend gave me about babies, keep saying 'this small pass...' about every difficult phase. It's true!

DO NOT beat yourself up. You've donr an amazing job doesn't matter two hoots how you fed the baby - you fed it!!

I remember 6 weeks being particularly tough and lonely and my ds is now 8 so I didn't have a pandemic to contend with too. Be kind to yourself, it's tough but you will get there & one day you will be posting on threads like this with your 8 year old tucked up!

Hi OP, I read your post and it took me back!! I now have a 4yo and 2yo and have most certainly felt just the same as you!.. except my time was pre-covid so it must feel extra hard right now. What I'll say is you are doing amazing and it all does get better. The exhaustion eases (or you adjust to it) and every week brings something new. I really struggled to BF with my first and ended up bottle feeding.. I felt exactly like you as though there is no support at all for a bottle feeding mum. But he thrived and was no different in terms of development etc than my 2nd who was EBF. So truly feeding is just feeding and you do exactly what is right for you. Stay strong, eat lots, sleep when you can and if you really are struggling then ring your gp.. there is no shame in asking for help. It's a huge physical and emotional time.

Bless! don't beat your self up. Hard enough looking after a new baby in non-Covid times. There is no real advise other than it will pass. Try and get some fresh air as it will make a huge difference.

Don't put yourself down, you're doing amazing! It's such an dramatic change and I felt so overwhelmed to begin with, but my twins are now 8 months old & smiley, happy babies. The early days of them being unsettled all the time are a distant memory! Each day gets easier

Just a thought, my twins had reflux but also CMPA (cow's milk protein allergy) - may be worth looking into that? They had to be prescribed dairy-free formula which definitely eased their symptoms (I was also told it was just colic! 🙄😬)

Thanks everyone, some really lovely messages on here. I think I'm just feeling exhausted and deflated because it feels like she'll never settle into a healthy sleep t pattern. She still sleeps much more in the day than at night, when the books say she should know the difference by now. It's so hard to know whether I'm doing things right.

You are doing the best you can which is all anyone can do.
Just remember that the baby hasn't read the book.
I promise you it will get better.

Thanks @CustardCreamm I'm starting wonder about CMPA too. The doctors are so dismissive though. What symptoms did your baby have? I'm thinking of trying a hypoallergenic formula to see if that helps.

Babies are born with really immature digestive systems but they do get better as they get older regardless of how they are fed. I'm sorry you're not being supported, I think it's a particularly bad time to be a first time mum as most of the groups aren't running and it's the only thing that really helps at this stage.

I don't know much about CMPA but the symptoms you've described don't sound unusual for a 6 week baby and most babies don't have CMPA. Hopefully someone with experience of this will give you more details on the symptoms though.

Thanks @SnuggyBuggy that's sort of what I want to hear. Would obviously rather it's not an allergy, and if I knew it was a phase she'd grow out of I'd feel better. It's so hard as a new mum when you have nothing to compare it to. Also when no one is seeing her in person it's quite hard to convey the symptoms she's experiencing.

Congratulations on your new baby. Unfortunately babies don’t come with an instruction book and no two are the same.
I have DT’s - both formula fed from day one. Formula gives an excellent start in life so nothing to feel guilty about.

I have a six week old and can sympathise with your feelings about feeding. I had an elective c-section because my DD was 9lb 13oz. There was a delay getting skin to skin because she needed mucus removed from her mouth and nose, I think the delay may have contributed to her latching badly. I was in hospital 4 days during which time she fed on me at least once every day (only with the help of amazing patient midwives) but most of the time was given formula. When we came home from the hospital we were put on a 3-hourly feeding schedule so we tried her at the breast, gave her expressed milk then formula. It was really hard and at 2 weeks old we decided we couldn't carry on with the breastfeeding as it was becoming so stressful for all of us. I was really sad because I wanted to breastfeed and I felt like I had been backed into a corner, it wasnt really a choice.

However, one week later when DD was unsettled I offered her the breast and she latched and it calmed her down. I'm still pumping a small amount of milk for her and have wondered if it would be possible to increase my supply enough to switch back to breastfeeding. I know that would be really hard so will probably opt for a halfway option of pumping so I can at least replace one feed a day with breast milk so she is still getting some benefit.

Can your LO still latch? Have you tried pumping any milk? I have called the National Breastfeeding helpline and LLL which were helpful.

I know everyone says it doesn't matter if you FF or BF but I think that's only true if you have made a free choice having had the right support which clearly most people don't seem to get. I had no idea how hard it could be. I hope you can find a way forward and that the sleep improves too.

Aww my BF baby had colic from 6 weeks to 3/4 months and spent ages screaming each day, I didn’t know what to do but have since realised it was trapped wind. Infacol helped loads, once she was old enough to have it. It gets easier, eventually! My baby is one now and the colic is a distant memory 👍

Sorry that you’re having a tough time, OP.

Don’t beat yourself up about breastfeeding. If it works well, it’s wonderful because it’s so convenient, but if it doesn’t work out it’s really not a big deal. There are plenty of happy and healthy babies who have formula. You breastfed initially - great, so they got the colostrum and the antibodies, so that’s really good for them. Some of the advantages of breast milk come from the skin-to-skin contact and the opportunity for bonding - there’s no reason why you can’t do this with bottle feeding. Strip off a bit so your baby can lie their head in your chest and hear your heartbeat while you bottle feed now and then. Make lots of eye contact and smile and talk. Basically, get most of the benefits of breastfeeding while giving a bottle! Where the actual calories come from isn’t the only important thing.
(FWIW - I EBF my DD, but am currently combi feeding my twins. I don’t think they’re really missing out on anything relative to my DD, but I hate having to Wash and sterilise all the time!)

Colic, wind or reflux.... basically you have a baby! Lots of them cry a lot at this age. There are lots of different things you can try to pass the time, but mostly this stuff does just clear up (unless they have a genuinely bad case of reflux that doesn’t go, in which case your GP might be able to do something). Babies at this age do get quite upset. Perhaps your friends aren’t being entirely truthful, or perhaps their babies just haven’t hit this rough patch yet. But it’s nothing to do with how you feed, my EBF DD was a demon in the evenings at this age! It passes, and then when you look back it doesn’t seem so bad.

Being stuck in tier 4 sucks, do you have a support bubble of any kind? I’d be going bonkers if it wasn’t for my parents being able to come and help me with the twins and DD, I genuinely couldn’t manage on my own. Do you have help? I’m glad your DH is getting involved (mine wasn’t around Most of the time when DD was tiny, so has found the twins a total shock!), but if either of you has a mum or another experienced person that can come and support you it makes a WORLD of difference.

Did you stop breastfeeding recently? If you still smell of milk, that might be contributing to the crying - can your DH settle baby? One of my twins loves to comfort suck. He’ll take his bottle, and then if I hold him he won’t settle until I latch him on, but then he feeds till he’s sick! But he’ll accept a dummy from my DH or my DMum. My friend that recently moved to bottles (supply issues in her case) had great difficulty settling her DS in the evenings as he would just be constantly rooting at her chest.

It’s really hard not to compare your baby with others, especially with your first. But just because your baby is crying a lot now, it doesn’t mean anything about the long term, just that they have an uncomfortable tummy. You’re not doing anything wrong, and there’s nothing wrong with your baby. Their digestive systems sort themselves out in a couple of weeks and this phase passes. Personally, I find babies much more enjoyable from around the 3 month mark, looking forward to my twins getting to that stage!