New mums - are you lonely?

[Caldey11]

My daughter is almost 6 weeks old, I love her to bits but since having her I am feeling so isolated and lonely. My husband is WFH which is a godsend because there have been days when I have really needed the extra help but apart from him I'm on my own, all our family lives a few hours away and Covid means we can't see them (though they did visit for a while to help us under the care provision of Covid rules).

It has taken us 6 years of TTC to have DD through IVF, I am still surprised I'm actually a parent after so long wondering if it would ever happen, dealing with infertility was isolating and as a result I tended to make friends with people who didn't have children rather than those that did because I found it difficult to connect to mums. I always hoped if we were lucky enough to have a child that it would allow me to connect with others and become sociable but Covid has taken everything away, I had a very isolated pregnancy (I live in Wales and have lost count of the number of lockdowns and restrictions we've had) , I did an online NCT course and online yoga, neither of which made it easy to strike up proper friendships. I have tried to message people from the NCT group but just don't feel like I'm on the same page, it seems like they have things a lot more together than I do (we are all first timers though).

My husband has work colleagues to talk to in the day and I just don't have an outlet to talk to anyone and have a proper conversation, not just a message on whatsapp. All the Mum and baby classes are cancelled as they are everywhere, I just feel like I'm invisible and dont know if/how I will ever be able to meet other mums to make any friends.

Does anyone else feel the same? How are you coping?

Yes, I feel the same. I have a 4 month old and I do feel lonely a lot of the time. I'm lucky that I'm able to bubble with my parents and my husband is often at home. However, when he's working I don't see him at all as I'm in bed by the time he gets home or he's on nights so is sleeping all day. On those occasions, I try and keep as busy as possible and get out of the house for walks. This takes my mind off the loneliness. However, the monotony of the days certainly doesn't help.

I wish I had other mums to connect with. I also did online nct classes but didn't manage to make any real connections there. It also doesn't help that my best friend has recently fallen out with me because I wouldn't let her hold my baby when she was first born (due to concerns over covid) and because I wouldn't meet her for a meal out (against covid rules at the time). That's another story but it means I don't have any friends to message when things are tough.

It is very lonely having a baby, especially during these times... I don't know what to suggest other than to send a virtual hug. Xx

It's a long time since I've had mine but I do really feel for you. Having a baby can be isolating in normal times, never mind in a Pandemic.

There might be a Postnatal Club on MN that you could join and chat to other MNers with babies the same age.

Are there any online groups or classes you could join in your area too?

If you have an NCT WhatsApp Group, how about saying that you are going fir a takeaway coffee and walk on Wednesday and ask if anyone else ants to come?

I know how you are feeling, I am in Wales and feel very isolated as well. I couldn't go out for at least a month before I had my little one and then we went into lockdown. Baby is now 6 weeks old and really unsettled so need the additional support. I am always available to chat and if you are local to me, would be more than happy to meet when able to. I am in South Wales. I am assured it gets easier so hopefully this is true xx

I feel the same. My baby girl is 5 months today. While I was pregnant all our family were offering so much help but none of it has been able to happen, our parents are all divorced with new partners so you'd think plenty of options to bubble with but they are all bubbled up elsewhere except MIL who we've said can be our bubble but she doesn't seem to want to arrange anything (she does have her own stuff going on so I do understand). I'm in Merseyside don't know whereabouts in Wales you are but even if its too far I'm happy to make a new online friend if you want to chat x

@allASomers I'm sorry you are struggling too. Have you found any good online support groups or done any online classes with your baby? I haven't looked into classes yet, I know someone in my NCT group is going to do a baby massage class, all my days are a blur at the moment so I don't know how I'd be able to commit to a proper set of classes happening at a certain time.

@JingleJohnsJulie Thanks for your support. The problem is that none of the people in my NCT group actually live where I do, we are scattered around in the countryside a bit so no-one could go on a walk here. There was a mums-to-be walking group that was set up a while before I gave birth which was fantastic, but since I've had her the weather has been awful and Covid means I don't think I should meet up with people even for walks at the moment. Hopefully things will get better, I would love to have a walk and talk again.

@1985SRW Yes, I can't wait for it to "get easier". I keep reading how we shouldn't attempt to do everything on our own, how important it is to get help from others, obviously none of these guides were written with a pandemic in mind. It's nice you are at the same stage as me, you must have become pregnant just as we went into the first lockdown so couldn't even celebrate the pregnancy properly. I had a rough time when I had her and haven't fully gotten over all of that either, I had a chat with my HV (by video link) last week and did say things were better than they were but they are still really hard. I will definitely take you up on the offer to keep in touch, thank you. Hopefully I can give you some encouragement too.

@Caldey11 I found out I was pregnant 2 days after we went into lockdown and worked from home since March so have been pretty isolated since March really. It will be great to connect and we can provide support for each other, other than my mum there aren't really any family around to help us and most friends have grown up children so be nice to talk to someone at a similar stage. Where about in Wales are you?

I know exactly how you feel. My DS is 5 weeks old and also an IVF baby. I’m so thankful for him but my family live 3 hours away and I moved an hour away from my friends a year ago. I feel like I lost a lot of friends due to the IVF and some drifted away when I announced I was pregnant. WFH has also added to the isolation, I love my job and my work colleagues and as much as I love my little boy, I miss the daily interaction with adults.
My DH has been at home over Christmas which is nice but his self employed and January is normally one of his busiest times and could be out of the house for 10-12 hours a day and work away a few times a month.
I go for a walk everyday and the most conversation I have is the lady in the shops. It’s all rather depressing really.

The only people I have around is my DHs daughter. She has a baby and we get on well but she’s 18 and I’m 38! We meet up once a week and take the baby’s on a walk and I’ll cook dinner after but I feel I can’t really hang out with her because of the age gap!! My DH is still great friends with his ex brother in law and we do a lot of things with him and his wife but again, I feel I can’t really be good friends with his ex wife’s sister!

I’m getting to the point that when I do talk to someone I’m talking too much about my DS because I have nothing else to talk about and people are bored. My confidence has been shattered and I really don’t know what I can do to change my situation. My DH tries to be supportive and listens to my when I’m having a bad day but he never really understands. I just hope this bloody pandemic is over soon before I lose my mind.

Just wanted to say there is more of us, I am actually feeling better knowing others feel the same (and sorry that so many of us go through this and it's just taken for granted that mums are meant to cope).

The amount of times I have put my son to sleep crying because I've just felt so alone, despite my DH being home and WFH. For me that made things worse, we live in a very small flat and him WFH meant we had to be really quiet most of the time so no singing, no crying, nothing basically.

I have a sport I do and I take the LO with me which saved my mental health and sometimes I feel my life, really. There were really bad days where I just couldn't cope.

Since the baby turned 6m I started to involve his dad much more, and that made a big difference. I also made a rule of "no screen" (for the dad!) in the evening and make him play with us, talk to us, things like that. We watch home news and talk about it (we are multilingual so we watch the home news to get some homey feeling), it gives me adult interaction.

@Caldey11 hang in there, it will get better hopefully with vaccination and life hopefully will get a little easier (even being able to go to a playground watch the baby plod around and having a 30second conversation about nappies with a random stranger will be a good day...).