Advice please - PFB

[Whyistheteacold]

Please note I am fully aware that I am being precious! My first born DD is 3 months old. We went to see in laws today (all within covid rules for our tier). I am lucky to have in laws that are very welcoming, kind, pleasant etc. DD is their first grandchild. Because of corona virus I am not used to anyone else holding my baby (other than DP obviously). Today, MIL walked over to where I was sitting and just kind of took her from my arms. My DP asked her to put a mask on (which she did comply with after being reminded) she then walked into the other room with my DD. I left it a few minutes then followed. But MIL kept walking off into other rooms. This honestly made me feel so anxious and stressed, and I didn't feel able to ask her to stop, because I know that I am being a bit silly. Later on, my DP was trying to put DD to sleep, FIL literally took DD out of his arms and said he will put her to sleep. DP said no but FIL ignored, then walked off with DD into other room. We could hear him playing with her, so clearly not trying to put her to sleep. It really upset me for her to be taken from me, and it's made me panic about how I will manage when I need to go back to work and things. I'm just so not used to anyone having her except us. Please does anyone have any advice about how to handle this?

3 months old is still so young. When are you planning on going back to work? And can you ask them just to play with her in the one room? Like why the hell were they walking about so much. Everyone I know just sits about in their living room.

It's good for babies to be handled by other people. It helps develop social skills and respond to those close people who are not their parents and to build trusting relationships. I think you need to relax a bit and enjoy the fact she's a confident soul in the company of others and doesn't get distressed.

My mil used to do this with my first born and it upset me too. This was pre-covid so I didn’t even have that, I Can’t explain it, just felt she was taken away. Constant suggestions that she babysit her from the moment she was born, however well meant used to get my back up too, you aren’t alone in feeling this way.

Im much more relaxed about it with my second baby (although covid limited it anyway), however he screams blue murder when he can’t see me-not ideal but quite entertaining in this scenario!

@LouiseTrees luckily I still have quite a while until I go back to work (next June) so I have time to try and relax and get used to it. It's just hard as we haven't been apart because of everything going on 🙄 and I found it strange that they kept leaving the room too. I tried to continue conversation with BIL and DP but in my head I was panicking and trying to hear DD

@KiKiDeluxe I know it is good for her, and I am so grateful that she has grandparents who love her and want to be involved. I just don't know how to stop myself from feeling so anxious about it. But DD was absolutely fine as you say, she was happy and babbling!
@Zooforhouse I'm glad I'm not the only one! Did it get easier for you as your first born got older?

It definitely gets easier when they can crawl. You’ll be glad someone else wants to chase after them.

Just ask why do they keep walking about with her.
Some grandparents seem obsessed with alone time but most young babies dont want be more than a few metres from mum or dad.
Speak up, maybe they dont realise. And just say "what are you doing" or "no thanks" when they try to grab her from you

I think lockdown must have made it hard for many first time parents. In normal times you would have seen lots of relatives ( and friends) having lovely cuddles with your baby, and you would have felt proud of her and the love that she is able to spread just by being held in their arms. You would have enjoyed hearing people say how beautiful she is, exclaiming if they were rewarded with a smile, have shared stories with your in-laws about your partners early days, have listened to your parents’ tales about you as a baby. And then they would have handed the baby back to you for you to parent because that is your role.

You have missed out on those experiences (and to be fair so have the doting grandparents) . I think it is lovely that your dd is now being gently and lovingly introduced to her wider family, people who love her, and will continue to love her and be part of her life for many years to come.

You will always be her mum, she will always look to you first, but to be a confident and socially aware human she needs to relate to other people, and who better to start with than the people who made your OH into the person who you love.

If you don't want your baby taken away from you, hold onto her and don't let anyone take her. If it turns into a struggle, your ILs will look like lunatics for trying to wrestle a tiny baby from her mum.

Some varying responses here.
As the parent you have the closest relationship and you know what's best for your child. Your child is too young to decide so you set the boundaries for everyone to follow.
On the flip side a first baby is a real sudden change in family roles and dynamics. So what was a situation where everyone knew where they stood with each other turns into one where everyone has preconceptions of their role and can turn into a battle of resentment quickly.
This is where clear communication comes in, then you can settle the new family dynamic down quicker.
So something like, when you grab the baby off me i feel like he has been stolen, of course i want you to have your own relationship and bonding time but at this stage please ask to hold, and don't leave the room with him.
The worst one i had was in a supermarket, i turned to help my wife choose some veg, turned back 10 seconds later and the pram was gone! After a panic i saw mil disappearing off down another aisle pushing him! My wife explained the above (which was tricky as in their culture the parents are very much above the adult children, and would take care of the grandchildren exclusively in many cases. But it worked through the clear communication.

Thank you all so much for all of the advice (and for not tearing me apart for being too possessive 😬😂) it's very helpful to know that it will get easier.

@viques thank you for this reply, that is such a lovely way to think about it. They did an amazing job with my DP, thank you for reminding me of that!
@johnd2 I agree that just being honest about how I feel would be the best course of action, I think they would be understanding. It is just tricky as they speak very limited English and I am only just starting to learn phrases from their language. Most of our communication is done through gesturing, very simple English and my DP translating 😂😂

Some really great advice on here. I have been honest with my DP about how I feel and he gets it. I think I will ask him to talk to PILs about how I feel, but to make it clear that I do want them to have a good close relationship with DD.

Oh i didn't realise you don't speak the same language, in that case even more similar to my situation, as my parents in law don't speak any English. But the same principle applies, make sure your partner understand and get them to do the communicating. And hope they can accept that. Although it's better if you can to communicate directly, the pressure end up even more on your partner to help with this kind of thing.
Otherwise you'll get to the traditional mil/dil standoff then everyone wonders why the dil doesn't want to spend time with the mil and it's such a shame.

Oh and merry Christmas have a nice day!

@johnd2 it's tricky isn't it! We are hoping to raise DD bilingual so I will be learning with her 😂 MIL and FIL are really lovely so don't want to hurt their feelings. Thank you so much for the advice. And we have had a great day together, merry Christmas to you and your family ☺️🎄