How do you deal with the "heart outside your body" aspect of being a mum?

[whereisthejoy]

Genuine question.

I've only got one (just over 2) and she is my absolute world - so funny, loving, she gets better every day. As she grows, I am starting to feel a bit anxious at the thought of not always being able to protect her as much as I am able to now (at home with me most of the time). I've also started recalling some of the stupid/dangerous stuff I did while growing up!

My own mum said to have a child is to forever wear your heart outside your body and she wasn't joking!

How do other mums actually deal with these sorts of feelings? I want her to be independent and strong of course. I just want to be able to protect her always!

Starts panicking thinking about my precious 6.5 month old baby boy growing up and leaving my protective bubble

🥴🤣

You see that it’s complicated and you adapt
When your baby needs protection,you’re protective
When they need freedom, you encourage positive risk
When they need to explore,you step back
What I’m saying is you become what you need. You realistically understand you can’t control or helicopter around them so you allow small positive risk to facilitate growth

And yes you always worry, just a bit.

It’s a struggle to incrementally let go so that your child can acquire that extra bit of independence. But you have to do it because if you are over protective, then they don’t develop their independence. It’s a constant push pull as they reach each milestone.

I think today it is much easier than when I was growing up because there are now cell phones. I was off roaming the city until 3am as a teen and no way for my parents to contact me. For my children, I have always been able to text an “ok?” To them and get a response.

Thank you for replies with plenty of food for thought!

For several reasons I am pretty sure we are one and done, which may make my worries worse - also not sure if lockdown has made it worse as I'm not able to "practice" letting go regularly.

Definitely don't want to be a helicopter parent, I guess it's good I'm aware of that possibility though.

And sorry for bringing you to this headspace @BeautyAndTheBump1

You won’t be able to protect her always. But for now, you can.
And you teach her the best you can, aided with a little bit of luck, one day, you will have a teenager who you can’t protect from everything, but you can help her have the strength to protect herself, and make the right choices.

As

It's most definitely the hardest part of being a parent, but you have to let them go, they deserve a life of their own. Your child will always be your child but if they are to grow emotionally and develop into being their own person, you just have to stand back and let them loose.
You'll do them no favours at all if you try and protect them from all harm for ever.
It begins in small ways, first day at school, when do you let them walk to the shop, walk to school, walk to the park or call to a friends house. By the time they are older each little separation becomes more normal and it feels ok.
When my son told me that his wife was pregnant, I was totally delighted but a little voice in my head was saying OMG my baby's having a baby!! Well, his wife was.
It's a scary prospect when your daughter is so young, but children grow and as her mother you'll grow too.

I have found it very reassuring to see mine grow up into sensible, independent young people who often (quite frankly) know more than I do and cope better than I would have coped.

Because your job as a parent is to make yourself unnecessary. Not just yet, but the whole parenting job is a matter of launching your offspring into the world with all the skills and knowledge they need. It’s very tough for those who are parents of children who will never live independently.

Mine are 10 and 11 and starting to want slight freedoms. Part of me is proud of the inquiring and adventuring souls. Part of me is fucking terrified of all the things that could happen to them. When I feel that way I take a deep breath to loosen the tightness and remind myself that I'm a clumsy, daydreaming nightmare and I've got to nearly 50yo.

I think my DM still worries about me and has that 'proud of you being you' thing going on.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently - I have a DS who is 16 months (and we are also most likely one and done). Although I had a nice childhood at a practical level, I was never taught to be particularly resilient or that it was okay to have feelings and emotions. Whilst I naturally want to protect DS from anything and everything, and clearly this is all hypothetical because he's never going to leave my side 😂, I also want him to grow up into someone who can handle whatever life throws at him and give him the best foundations for his future happiness. As much as I never want anything bad to happen to him, I do reluctantly accept that part of that is having bad stuff happen and working through it. Which I will always be there to help him do.

@Fuckingcrustybread

I fek]lt that way as well when my son told me I was going to be a grandmother.
Now he has two grandchildren, it is getting worse feeling, I am the mother of a grandfather, and he is still my baby!

[quote nildesparandum]@Fuckingcrustybread

I fek]lt that way as well when my son told me I was going to be a grandmother.
Now he has two grandchildren, it is getting worse feeling, I am the mother of a grandfather, and he is still my baby![/quote]
❤️❤️ I really wish that there was a like button

22:21Djouce. Spot on.
Our job is to make sure they don't need us too much as adults.

Don’t try to protect her. I had protective parents and I think it really damaged me. Instead, help and teach her how to deal with a variety of scenarios. That means actively exposing her to “danger”, fear, uncertainty, without stepping in to “rescue” her. Show her how to manage unsettling scenarios, come up with options on what to do, and then she will learn how to manage the emotions that come with them too.

I actually have tears reading these replies. Thank you so so much everyone ❤️ feel so proud of who she is already and can see this growing as she grows! Thank you for all the advice xx

In summary don’t be a dick,and you’ll no go far wrong

@daisypond - excellent advice thank you. I do say to her to do the things she sometimes says "mummy do it" to. And let her have her anger and other emotions - I never try distract her from them. I guess I am just so in love with her I'm already pining for these days back when I can cuddle her so much!

I just remind myself that trying to wrap them in bubblewrap will ultimately do far more damage. That's no life to live.

You just have to accept that sometimes getting hurt is the price of living.

That doesn't mean they should do risky/stupid things of course ! If they wanted to go hiking though Afghanistan I'd do everything I can to stop them. But normal things, you just have to let go.

The best way you can protect them is by teaching them to protect themselves really !