Overly sensitive or mean husband?

[Nazza23]

I have a toddler and a 4mo baby who is EBF. I’m on mat leave and DH has been WFH throughout lockdown. Our relationship is struggling and Im finding it hard to see the wood through the trees.
I’m constantly getting comments from DH basically insinuating that I’m lazy - the baby won’t sleep longer than 30m unless he’s contact napping so I let him sleep on me for the lunchtime nap (whilst toddler sleeps) so he does at least 1.5hrs and isn’t cranky. Toddler has been out of nursery multiple times due to covid so I’ve been doing the lions share of care for both whilst he’s had a very busy job and working late many evenings.
We constantly bicker - if I ask him to take out both of them (when he’s off) it’s an argument...i say I need a break and that I do it every day so he can too, leads to comments about me ‘sitting on my ass staring at my phone’ (in reference to the lunchtime nap), or that I ‘couldn’t be bothered to get up early’ if I ‘lie in’ with baby for an extra hour because he hasn’t woken up yet (we cosleep). I could go on.
If I point out that he’s being an @ss, he says I’m doing the “poor me” routine, “it’s all about me, my breakfast, my time, me me me”.
I’m starting to feel like this is toxic. Is it normal for husband to be so unsupportive? So resentful. Is he gaslighting me? I feel like he’s making me doubt my sense of what is reasonable and implying it’s all in my head. He frequently says your anger is out of control and you’re falling apart if I complain.
What does everyone else do when you’re breastfeeding and baby is sleeping on you, other than looking at your phone?) I should add my kindle is on it so I’m often reading a book or the news.

Feeling a bit lost by it all!

You sound completely reasonable to me. Being nap trapped isn’t the same as free time, you can’t do what you want or even go for a wee if you need it! I’m in a similar boat to you (although naps here are 30 mins even if she’s on me) and off my DH started making comments like that I’d be having serious words, not that he would! I’m sorry your DH sounds like a dick.

yes mean gaslighting husband Im afraid OP

No it's not normal.

Most people would be thinking 'thank goodness the person I love is getting a bit of a rest there while the baby sleeps'.

Most people like their partner and are happy when they see them having a nice time.

I don't think it's gaslighting, he's just a git.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this, it sounds like he could do with walking a mile in your shoes. It’s not as easy as just sitting and staring at your phone.. if only it was. He is being unreasonable. Please don’t doubt yourself, you’re right to want a break if you are the primary carer. The only thing I can suggest is to maybe write him a letter with how you feel and let him read it where he can’t respond straight away and gives him time to really think x

This is why I believe, despite flexible working culture, you're going to see a lot of men going back into the office.

Thanks all for the comments. Not a good situation. It’s been getting progressively worse since I was pregnant with my first, if I’m honest. But lockdown has obviously intensified things. I’ve even suggested marriage counselling as I feel like we’ve lost the ability to even communicate properly and it’s not healthy for the children to witness day in day out, but he refuses. He says he knows I would use it as an opportunity to score points against him.

Oh god this sounds awful. I'm sorry he doesn't understand how hard looking after children is. It's more than a full time job! You're right to contact nap if this is what your baby needs. I have to do the same and all I can do is look at my phone or watch TV. I'd love to do something more productive and I'm sure you would too! You also deserve breaks... Maybe he could try looking after them for the whole day and see if he feels the same.

This is not normal in my experience. I have a 4 yr old, a bf toddler and DH works from home. If I’ve had a bad night with the toddler or I’m tired he will encourage me to nap with her. He takes the youngest with him to do the school pick up and tell me to forget about the housework and take the time for myself.

DH moved heaven and earth to support me breastfeeding - right down to taking over nappy changes / bathtimes and all chores to give me extra time of sleep. He works full time in a high pressured senior executive role similar to mine but always found the time to help me. When you’re breastfeeding you aren’t equal - you are the priority and he needs to be supporting you while at home. If he’s the type of person to listen to a professional call a breastfeeding consultant or HV in to explain it to him

Hmmm. He definitely does not encourage me to take extra naps! He may have said a few times since my first was born to take a nap, but sure enough it’ll get mentioned some point later when we have an argument.
When we bicker and I say I’m extra tired or need a break or whatever and say you’re not the one up through the night with the baby he’ll say “well that’s your choice to breastfeed” and “I’m up through the night as well”, which he isn’t. He has the toddler monitor on his side of the bed but she’s slept through the night for a long time. Yes she might make a bit of noise a couple of times a night but doesn’t need us to go in or anything.
It’s hard because all my family and friends think he’s great, great dad (which he is)., great husband. But they don’t see this side to him at all, the constant drip feed of negative comments rather than supportive ones.

@Nazza23 ah :( sorry to hear. Taking care of a baby (4mo or a toddler, let alone both) is a FULL TIME JOB. You need to acknowledge this yourself first.

Do you cook? Clean the house? Shop? Stop that. Just buy baby food and nappies and that's it. He wants to eat, he cooks, cleans and does his bit.

Weekends should be 50/50. He should help.

That being said my DH did not really do much till the baby was weaned, he found it complicated, he was worried (and a bit lazy) and I felt devastated, I was constantly crying, depressed...you name it. Please don't fall into the same trap.

If he still passes comments about you being lazy, I'd say "well look at how crap you are at parenting" or "what a great father you are working 20 hours a day not caring about your own children". It's unfair but he needs to hear it back.

No, not normal.

3 yr old and EBF 7 week old baby who just won’t be put down at all during the day! DH sleeps separately so he gets a proper night sleep, I asked him to do this so he’s in a better state to help me in the day. I do all the night feeds then he takes baby from 7/7.30 to 10am so I can catch up on sleep. This either involves him doing the nursery run with both to drop 3 yr old off, or one day a week he has both while trying to juggle working from home too for those few hours. Then in the evening, I do all the feeds and DH takes him in between a lot to do nappies and walk him around/bounce him when he’s fussy. He’s well aware that being trapped under a baby isn’t exactly down time and gets tedious fast, as he’s often stuck under the baby in the evenings. He’s never called
me lazy. Don’t get me wrong, we’re all cranky and tired a lot and sometimes we bicker due to exhaustion but essentially he is supportive, knowing how intensive EBF and doing all night feeds is.

@ZooKeeper19 thanks for your reply. Yes I clean (although admittedly struggling to keep on top of it all), do all the family laundry (both LO’s are in cloth nappies so it’s at least 2 loads a day), sort out all the food shops (far from easy during lockdown), take care of all bills, nursery, anything needed for the kids etc etc.
He helps out with cooking, which I’d say is 50:50 but this together with bins & washing dishes are pretty much all he does. I did stop washing his clothes recently, after 2 weeks he dumped them in the utility room there was so much i couldn’t even shut the door. When I said that was inconsiderate and it would help if he brought more manageable amounts, it led to a row and he said I’ll never be able to “control” him and he’ll wash whenever the F he likes. My view is that if I’m doing the family washing, and have soiled nappies which need seeing to everyday, i need to have some sort of routine. I’m not trying to control him, I’m just trying to run a house! Having to step over a huge mound and not use the washing machine/dryer for 2 days is a problem. Anyway my point is, I don’t think he responds to the tough love approach. It just leads to fights. And I honestly feel every time I tell him how I feel, his take is that I’m just angry again, being the victim, in a bad mood again yadda yadda.

@FizzingWhizzbee123 sounds like your DH is a good man 👨. Mine used to sleep in the spare room when I first gave birth so he could have the energy for our toddler. But now months on it’s like he’s just forgotten what I’m going through. Today baby was up at 4.30am, so I’ve been quite down all day as I’m so tired. I kinda deliberately said to the toddler in front of him “baby woke mummy up at 4.30 today”. Husband didn’t say a word or acknowledge it all. I know he thinks of my time breastfeeding/contact napping as free time.

The more responses I read, the more I think I realise his reactions and responses aren’t what I expect a loving, caring husband to do. I don’t know how much is the pressure from having 2under2, lockdown, WFH and will subside when life returns to some sort of normality. Or whether this is who he really is

Completely not ok, he sounds awful, sorry you're being treated like this, he needs a reality check.

If you were falling apart as he says, then surely he should want to help and support you more?
Not try and put you you down instead?