I'm a terrible mother

[again2020]

Had a bad day with DD (just turned 3), she's been demanding chocolate constantly, climbing on worktops, throwing records around and screaming and crying at the slightest thing. I cut her some apple up and she threw it on the floor. I lost my patience with her and said she was naughty and never having chocolate again and that she needed to learn how to behave 😢
My partner said I'm a bad mother and don't do anything except shout at her. She already prefers him to me. She doesn't want me at bedtime.
I've no idea how people have 2, 3 or 4 kids as it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

I'm sat downstairs while he reads to her trying to calm her down knowing there will be a big argument later and feeling like a terrible mother 😭

You are not a terrible mother. You are a normal one!
Goodness they test the patience of a saint at the best of times.
Don't let your partner guilt trip you either. He should be supporting you not adding to your upset. Is he normally a good supportive partner or is there a back story there .?

No you are not a bad mum!
Even the calmest parent sometimes loses their shit and says something they don’t mean, dc are hard work at times and patience runs out.

Your partner sound horrible tbh, he is meant to support you not berate you.

She also doesn’t prefer him to you, they all go through phases of wanting one parent more than another. My dc are with me all day so daddy is way more exciting than me!

She was naughty and she does need to know how to behave. I'd absolutely have said she wasn't having chocolate again and I'm definitely not a bad mother. I'm a good one and I teach reception and I'm good at that too.

Your partner should not have said you are a bad mother. 💐

My two absolutely 'preferred' dh to me because he was the novelty act compared to me. I was with them all day. I wouldn't worry about that at all.

3 year olds are hard going. They say babies inspire all adult humans to look after them both for their survival and that if the human race. So I’m not quite sure what evolution was thinking with3 year olds.
We spend a lot of time outside some how it’s easier.

My 3yo son told me yesterday I'm 'the worse mum and he doesn't want me in this house ANYMORE!'
because I told him he couldn't change the channel yet his sister was watching something.

They absolutely test you to the limit, I wouldn't feel bad in though I know that's easier said than done I've been there.

Like others have said, your partner is the Disney act compared to you who has to do all of the mundane day to day heavy lifting.

If you were a terrible mother, you wouldn't be feeling guilty or bad.
Hand up - I've had a horrendous day with my 2 year old. I've been cross and snappy and the TV has been on most of the day. I feel guilty now they're in bed and wish I could start the day again. So I'll promise myself I'll be better tomorrow and that's all you can do.
I echo PP that being outside as much as possible seems to help with mine, just bimbling around nature trails, parks, anywhere there's not loads of people!

Your partner shouldn't be saying that though. Are they supportive usually? Perhaps they're adding to your self doubt?

Take care of yourself 💕

Thanks for the replies. My partner isn't supportive really, he works hard and that's his way of helping. We have plenty of problems (which I won't detail here) and I've posted on relationships before. A lot of MNers said leave, but it looks like I'll be one who stays. For financial reasons and fear of the unknown, plus I don't want to disrupt DDs life.

Thanks to those who said I wasn't a bad mum. And @savemejebus I totally understand the feeling about wanting to start the day over again and trying to be better tomorrow. I will try to do exactly that.

DD doesn't want to go outside much currently, due to cold and rain I think, any ideas how I can entice her out? I sometimes say 'let's go for a pussycat walk' but that doesn't seem to work anymore 🤔🙈

I'd highly recommend "the book you wish your parents had read". It stresses that the rupture is less important than the repair.

You're not a bad parent, you're a human being doing the best job you can of parenting (in what sounds like a difficult relationship) in the midst of a pandemic.

Deep breath. Tomorrow is another day.

I find laying out what you will do helps, if they know where you will go and what you might do when you get home. So let’s go for a walk to the park and then we can come home and read/watch tv/bake/whatever.

It must be hard having someone else constantly doubt or put your parenting diwn, but if you have decided to stay, you need to find ways of installing and keeping confidence in your parenting and blocking his criticism out, or it will affect your parenting massively.
Maybe seek advice from someone qualified.

You are not a bad parent, I apologise if I behave in a way I wouldn't like my son to, so if I shout at him, I do apologise after, saying "mummy shouldn't have shouted, I should have explained calmly why you behaved badly"

But we all shout on occasion, it's how you deal with it after that counts. You sound like a good mum, if you weren't you wouldn't care so much.

You care so you are not a bad Mum.

Three year olds are hard work, give yourself a rest this evening and be kind to yourself (which is what your parter should be saying instead of putting you down).

You’re not a bad mother, we all have days like that when we wouldn’t be proud of every word we have said to our kids and the tone we said it in if someone played it back to us. That’s life. It’s not a big deal except that your partner is making it so. Please be aware that the “bad mother” technique is often used by abusers as part of a larger domestic abuse or coercive control situation. I would advise you to consider looking at the Freedom Programme available online or via Women’s Aid or similar.

There's a reason free and/or guaranteed nursery care starts at age 3 in almost every country in the world!

Don't beat yourself up.

What your partner said was out of line.

Sounds like a child with pent up energy. Get out at least once a day.

Waterproofs and warm coat. Ideas for going out:
Spot Christmas lights/trees
Out on Scooter or balance bike
Chalk drawing in the park
Gather twigs and leaves for a fairy house
Stamp in puddles
Take a torch

But yeah, you're not crap. Your partner is. Get him to have her on his own more and he'll soon see it's not so easy!

@DemolitionBarbie Thank you so much for the ideas!