Feeling guilty/awful about having baby #2

[gracex2]

Where do I begin. Please don't take this the wrong way, I feel very lucky and thankful to be PG again but I struggled a lot mental health wise with the first and especially now.

I've just found out I'm pregnant recently, 6 weeks along now. I have a nearly 2.5 year old daughter who is my whole world. I always was sort of on the fence about having another child, however I am with most major decisions, just completely unsure if it is the right thing or not. But eventually decided to just get on with it as I've agonised over the decision for months and months and DH wanted a second.

Now that it's here I just feel so horrid and guilty. I love my daughter more than anything (as we all do) but I just cannot imagine loving someone else as much as I love her. I keep imagining that we've got limited time left as her being our only child, and all the sweet times we have had. I was sobbing in the car this morning unable to even fathom the idea of having two, I feel like it's all over now. How will I cope, when will I stop feeling awful. I would love those baby and toddler cuddles again but it makes me so sad imagining sharing her. I am sure I sound unreasonable.

I was an only child growing up which I'm sure is colouring my perception. Feeling sort of like I've put my happy family at risk, I know that sounds awful.

Tell me what it's like having two? Is it quite a bit harder than just the one with a 3ish year age gap. Did you mums feel guilty and horrid about this as well. Did your oldest take to the new sibling straight away and do they get on well now. This is all new to me and I just want to know what to expect. xx

I have an almost 7 month old and a 3 year old .... they ADORE each other 🤍 it melts my heart!!! My 3 year old said the other day “I love you much (baby sister) that’s why I cuddle you all the time!”
There has a been no jealously and they are honestly best friends already. Congratulations xxx

I'm. 20 weeks, just had my scan and I'm having another girl. It's taken me a while but I'm finally happy with being pregnant. I love being a mother and my 2 Yr old is my world. But when I found out I was pregnant, I was so very sad, I cried a lot. I could not see any positive to being pregnant and having another baby. I also felt so guilty about feeling this way and questioning to go ahead with the pregnancy. I have ptsd following the birth from my dd, which has coloured things to an extent. My feelings started to settle once I saw my first scan. It also helped that my co-worker who adores both her kids said she felt exactly the same during her pregnancy with her second.

I’ve just had my second. My daughter has surprised us so much in how well she’s adjusted. She adores her new brother and just covers him in kisses at any opportunity (she’s 2.5 now). However, I’ve cried most days with guilt and the feeling that I’ve lost our special relationship. We were just starting to become a little ‘team’ - running errands together and having proper conversations etc. I know logically I haven’t lost anything and it’s mainly wild postnatal hormones, but I understand what you’re feeling. Each day is getting easier and I’m making sure I’m still spending 1:1 time with her. I hope you start feeling better soon. I can see that as her brother grows and they start to interact we’ll have made the best decision, but the guilt is hard.

I had a few moments like that when pregnant and after DS was born earlier this year I’ve had times when I’ve felt bad for DD (3) with all the upheaval and then bad for DS because DD wants so much attention. However watching her cuddle him (with help obvs), make him laugh, do things for him has been incredibly special and has made me feel that the upheaval is worth it for DD to have someone to have that sibling bond with. I have a sister and she’s like my best friend and I’ve always wanted my DC to have each other as they grow up.
It sounds corny but your heart just expands to love both children as much as each other. It is hard at times but I found that going from 1 to 2 DC much easier than 0 to 1 as you’re already adjusted. I found the 3 year age gap perfect as DD had much more undertanding, is toilet trained, can dress herself (with help) and doesn’t need the pram so from a practical point of view those things help.

Loads of people feel like this I think. When I was pregnant with DD2 I was so worried that I wouldn’t love her as much as DD1 but when you have subsequent DC they don’t take away from the love you have for your first. It’s cheesy but it’s like your heart expands to make room for the extra children.

It also means they always have a playmate and as grown ups they will hopefully have a friend. If anything happens to you or their dad they will have each other. My two sisters are my best friends. I can’t imagine life without them. There may be teething pain and jealousy but it will all be worth it.

Sorry I have been writing this for ages while putting DD1 to bed and just posted, and realised I’ve written almost exactly the same thing as user about your heart expanding! I think it’s because it’s true and it really does.

I have two, 15 month age gap. I felt like you a bit. However I love them both equally, they each have qualities I adore. My first born and last born. They are now 10 and 9, not going to lie with such a small age gap sibling rivallary is a problem, but when the chips are down they are close. Its lovely to see.

Everything will be absolutely fine. You will love them both immensely and it is magical to see your older one become a big sister. My two love each other so much. It really will be okay. You are just still getting your head around everything, and probably ill and exhausted feeling. This too will pass.

It is possible to feel the same love for the second you did for the first. Weird, I know! And as pp said it's lovely for them to have each other too.

Relationship with 1st child does change a bit as you have less 121 time.

You poor thing. It's natural to worry about all these unknowns. I did too.

As previous posters have said love isn't finite . I was worried when I was pregnant with DD2 if DD1 would be ok, would I cope and in the main yes. DD1 takes great pride in her 'baby' and being the big sister and DD2 adored her.

Also you're already in the childcare routine so it isn't such a change in your life as it is from no DC to with DC.

There will be tough times and great times just like with one DC. It'll just be different.

I remember when I was a child we had a cat. We had had the cat all of my life and when he died (I was about seven) my parents discussed getting a new kitten. I was aghast, really upset and said to my Mum that I couldn’t imagine ever loving another cat. My Mum said “there’s not a finite amount of love, love expands to allow you to love any number of people [and cats]”.

Sounds flippant, but that’s totally true. So you’ll be fine. Dare I say it, your daughter will also be fine, probably even better off with a sibling than without one. My girls have a little over two year age gap and are firm friends who literally jump into each other’s arms at the end of the school day (although they’re 4 and 6 right now, I’m expecting that joy to tail off a bit in their teens!)

Be kind to yourself; it’s probably as much hormones as anything. You’ll be fine.

Oh bless you OP, you sound lovely.

Don't worry, honestly. Sure you will have your moments of exasperation and "oh god I have NO time and these kids are running me absolutely ragged" ... BUT overall, having two children will leave you with less time, but not with less love. Love increases exponentially with two kids. They love each other, as well as you.

Yes, it can be double the frustration and your time will be stretched, and sometimes you will worry one child is getting more attention than the other. But it all has a way of balancing out.

Growing up with a sibling is a wonderful thing, it creates joy and laughter and fills a hole in your family you didn't know was there. And massive bonus - they play together. Watching my kids play together creates a feeling of well-being and happiness like nothing I have ever experienced, it is absolutely beautiful (well, until the bigger one gets too rough or the little one throws a brick at her head...). No honestly, it's fab. You will rock being A Mummy Of Two and it will rock your world.

It was an adjustment but not as bad as I'd expected. There was some guilt especially in those early weeks where the baby just wants to feed all the time and the older one is left out. I would sometimes give the baby to dad for a nappy change and use the time to pick up the toddler. However because it's a second I knew this stage wouldn't last for ever.

You can love two but if I'm being really honest it was definitely a month or two before I loved both of mine equally but I think that's because in reality it takes time to really bond with a baby. What also surprised me is how much my firstborn seems to like her baby sibling.

My answer is yes there are feelings of guilt and logistics to be worked out with wrangling two but it's not overwhelming.

I have a 2 year old and a 3 year old with 11 months between them (planned). A brother is the greatest gift I will ever be able to give my daughter, she adores him, and having him around has improved her life. He loves her too. I see similar with her friends who have siblings.
It’s also easier for us as the onlys we know seem to need a lot more entertainment from parents. Ours play a lot together, so I can get loads done without having to resort to the tv.