Daily battles with my 5 year old

[FightingWithTheWind]

I am at the end of my tether with my 5 year old, she doesn't listen or follow instructions and it has got to the point where we are having arguments daily. Particularly in the mornings. I'm not a good parent at the moment, I'm not proud of myself at all but I have become a horrible, shouty parent, I haven't had a break in months (which I know i'm not alone in and is not an excuse for me letting myself get frustrated at my daughter) and I just feel constantly on edge. I am terrified that I am going to damage my daughter because she is being told off literally every day, but I also don't know what to do anymore because I can't just let her carry on not listening. I feel like she thinks her little sister is favoured over her, which is not the case at all but at 18 months her little sister is easier behaviour wise, and alot needier and so I find it very hard to split my attention between the girls equally. I feel like i'm failing badly and I need to reset things so that I'm not shouting daily because it isn't a nice environment for either child. Some days I contemplate reporting myself to SS because I feel like i'm doing such a rubbish job, I feel inadequate in every way.

Would she respond to a star chart, with a small reward after a certain number of stars. Give her praise for anything positive she does, however small. She is at a tricky age, but you could see if it works.

I’d really recommend this book - How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 www.amazon.co.uk/dp/184812614X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_0c-1FbYY8KQ60?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

My 5 year old is going through an awful stage too. Very challenging. I also think he thinks we favour his 8yo brother which again is not true but of course he sees him not getting told off as much. It’s really hard. My only consolation is I recall times his big brother was a lot more challenging than he is now at 8 snd so I just hope it’s a stage that’s over quickly! I think are testing boundaries at this age.

My 4 year old was being a bit of a tinker during lockdown especially. As a PP said we introduced the reward chart, there are set age appropriate jobs for every day of the week he has to do and each day has a behaviour star. Every X amount of stars earned he gets a small treat. However he can also lose stars for bad behaviour and at the moment his next ‘treat’ is a little Lego set he has had his eye on for while and even the threat of losing a star is enough! You have to follow through though there have been days when he has lost his behaviour star and equally days when he has earned an extra for being so good.

I felt so bad for you reading this. I have a nearly 5 year old and a 10 month old so we probably have some similar challenges.

Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes it's just not possible to get a successful day with a 5 year old! It will change and get different, probably better.

Is your 5 year old at school? Enjoying it? With us when school was closed DS behavior much worse as he had no social contact and the difficulty in spending quality time with him was really painful.

Are you able to make some one on one time with her? I think DS values the fact that I make an effort to carve out time for him at baby's nap and at bedtime, even though he's sad it isn't more.

DS is also often naughty when something is bothering him. Sometimes it's a question of figuring out what the problem is and finding a solution (often not a perfect one but a compromise or something to make him feel better).

What discipline system do you have with her? Eg do you take toys away, have a points system, or stickers for rewards etc?

Going to post this now but I wrote it a while ago and got distracted so sorry if any x post

Thank you for the replies, she did used to to have a sticker chart that she responded well to in the past so I may have to re-introduce that. She is at school and really enjoying school, she does behave worse on days where she isn't in. We try to make the consequence fit the action so if she ignores us for the TV, she loses TV privelidges, or if she doesn't listen on the way to the park we go home for example. But lately things have dissolved into chaos and alot of that is my fault, my mental health has been quite bad and I've just been trying to survive each day but now I am seeing the consequences of that.

You do need to prioritise your own health. Maybe just stop and give her a random hug every so often and it might make you both feel better ❤️.

I find it's helpful to have a system like a sticker chart (we have a points app) for managing the small things, then we can save the consequences fitting the actions for bigger things or when he decides he doesn't care about points.

E.g 'you're ignoring me when I ask you to stop television, lose a point. If you keep doing it then no television tomorrow'.

Also it's not really your fault if your mental health is making it hard for you to cope! Be kind to yourself! It's difficult and tiring to be consistent with this stuff at the best of times. But it does sound like you might all benefit from a bit more structure.

Are you getting support for your mental health and/ or some time for yourself away from the kids at all?

The points system sounds like a really good idea, I was getting support for my mental health up until the first lockdown but since then things have come to a standstill and I'm relying on my antidepressants at the moment. I'm not getting any breaks at the moment, my partner works long hours and so I am on ny own with the children the majority of the week other than the few evenings that I work.