Second baby

[LH1987]

Hi all,

My DD is 6months old andi am thinking to the future. Part of me thinks one is plenty, however, I am beginning to consider whether a second one is what I want. Can I ask other people experience? Did anyone regret having a second one or can you say your family life is improved by two children?

Probably a clumsily worded question but any advise is appreciated!

TIA

I don't regret my second child for a second but I will admit that life would be a lot simpler had we stopped with one.

It became evident after #2 that #1 was Autistic and I always feel like we haven't been able to dedicate enough time to him because there are 2 to look after. But then I feel like that's general parenting guilt!

I would however bet good money on saying that more people regret not having a child they might want than having them.

Everyone circumstances are different so it's down to you and your partner whether it's doable or not.

@PinGwyn that exact same thing happened to me. They are 4 and 2 now. 2 yr old is neurotypical I think but incredibly strong willed. I’m struggling at the moment to be honest. Are yours older? Does it get easier?

@LH1987i I don’t regret having two but it is so much harder than I realised. But a large part of that is that older dd is autistic.

The only person who can make the decision is you, LH1987.

I had just one, intended to have another but various things intervened and I decided after four years I no longer wanted a second child. we were happy as we were.

I have never regretted it, in fact I am glad it worked out that way, but nobody else can make your mind up and I'm well aware, had circumstances been different, I would have had another.

Didn't regret number two for a minute but then I didn't have high expectations for my life. All happy and doing well now albeit skint.
There's considering what you want but now you've brought this child into the world consider what they would want and what is in their best interests whether that's a sibling or no sibling, and if you can try to provide what's best.

Thanks all, and I realised after I posted its terrible to use the word regret! It’s really good to hear perspectives from you all.

I really need to consider it all! Financially we would be fine but probably couldn’t afford as much luxuries etc.

Number 2 was planned so have 2 under 2. DC2 is only 3 months but a little dream in comparison, she sleeps through the night already and is always happy and a great feeder, breastfeeding going well. DC1 however is still not sleeping through and has probably slept 3 nights completely through his entire life! Just to give you an idea that a second may be completely different to the first (for better or worse)

Lots of times you hear "one and done" or they don't want to go through the baby stage again, don't want to disrupt existing dynamic etc but I know I got a lot of pressure from my DD when she was age 4 onwards to have a sibling. She's desperately wanted one (or more) All her friends have siblings, we aren't close to family so no cousins to play with. Outside of school it's just our little family unit of 3 and I know she gets lonely for a play mate. Personally whilst i wouldn't let a 4 year old dictate my life choices I wouldn't ever choose to have an only child as I would feel I've been selfish to deny her that sibling relationship (and yes I know that plenty of only children do just fine and don't miss out and that you can have siblings you have zero relationship with)

My second is still a baby (6 months) and my first 2.8 so I cant comment on the older years, but I find it much easier than I expected. My second was not planned and I panicked a bit, had feelings of guilt for my eldest and thought it was going to be tough going in the early stages.

I've loved watching their bond and have dare say enjoyed the newborn stage I'm torn on having baby number 3. Head is telling me not yet but my ovaries are shouting NEWBORN CUDDLES.

@Allthenumbers mine are 14 and 7 - in some ways it's easier now (hyper toddler and moody pre-teen wasn't a great combo!) and others it's harder but I think a lot of that is age gap related. Trying to amuse both of them is near impossible and #2 is terrified of #1's hormonal mega meltdowns but it will pass, just like every other phase!

When they were younger I do remember having a few teary days (from me!) but like yours my youngest is fiercely independent and I actually think harder work than the eldest was. These days I'm a bit more robust when dealing with it all 😂

You're at a tough stage regardless of needs so don't be too hard on yourself. It's ok to struggle but take help where you can.

What @ivfbeenbusy said.
It is difficult to put into word, as lots of people have only been able to have one, and that's the way it is, and overwhelmingly, they will be fine and grow up happy, but for myself I can't begin to imagine not having siblings, and I can't imagine - as a parent - having an 'only' and being the only people there to entertain them as children, and then have them feel I rely on them as I get older.
fter my parents died I went to a bereavement group for a little while, and there was an incredible sadness in two different people there who said they felt very alone in the world, as they were no longer realted to anyone close to themselves.
Now, I know people will come on and say they don't get on with their siblings, and I'm sure there will be people who say they are happy not having any close family, but it wouldn't be for me.

@PinGwyn thanks. Yes, my two year old is such a harder toddler than my four year old was! But I’m hoping as my two year old matures it’ll get easier. 🤞🤞🤞

I think because I have a very distant (sometimes strained) relationship with my siblings and my DH is an only child made me think 1 was plenty. However, now i seem to be craving a second!

Thank all for your advice, it is much appreciated!

At the moment I do think my eldest (aged four) would be happier without his baby sister. She grabs at him, pulls his hair, destroys his toys... he often says “mummy take her away”. And I can’t do anything one on one with him as she needs so much attention. So I am not sure about the idea that he has benefitted from having a sibling, not yet anyway. Our lives are definitely more complicated, she is a gorgeous, lovely baby but it has been hard having two so far.

Out of interest OP - did you go for it? I find myself in your position x