Thoughts on new mum overwhelm

[MerlotSavedMyLife]

I am looking for some advice from experienced parents / mums about how to plan the next few months of my life. Basically I had my first baby in June, now 6 months. Due to Covid and other circumstances my husband and I are the only people our dd has seen and interacted with, apart from at hospital. Even health "visits" have been done over the phone. I have done the lion's share of the parenting / childcare as my DH works extremely long and pressurised hours including evenings and most of many weekends. So I look after dd all day, do bedtime etc and at weekends DH and I share a bit more but only if and when we can. Again, due to Covid there have been no baby groups, coffees with friends, lunches, swimming, yoga or any of the other stuff I anticipated which might give me a mental break, even if i am still looking after dd. I have been cut off in my area as we have no car and have not been using the tube or buses. (NB This is not a moan, as millions are in the same or worse position). There are no family members to look after dd, due to both Covid (vulnerable or unsafe) and also distance (both sets of GP live other side of the country).

As a knock on of all this I have found it hard to have any time whatsoever for me. When I finally get her to bed at night it is all I can do to stay awake myself, drink a glass of wine and zombie out in front of the news. I am too tired and mentally exhausted by then to wash my hair, pick up a book, call a friend, have a bath, meditate or do any kind of things for "me". Every day is the same relentlessness. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE looking after my dd, but it is just the sheer neverendingness of it without any time at all to do anything for me. In normal times I think I would have perhaps taken her to a nursery for half day, or found a mother's help, just so that one morning, or a couple of hours twice a week I can go into another room and sit and read, or something like that.

My question is whether I should start to think about employing a mother's help or someone to watch her whilst i take some time? I've no idea how this works by the way, or how much they cost or what they actually do. Or should I use a nursery? Not sure if hey are safe at the moment, or if I feel ready to leave her entirely.

I think the Covid thing has left me inside a bubble of protectiveness and I have got used to doing everything and having no family to help out. Basically I am just thinking about what steps I could take so that I don't suddenly crash.

I know I am lucky as I have a DH who works and there are many amazing single mums dealing with with this and much worse. I am not complaining, but just trying to be honest and look after myself a bit better, so I can be a better mum.

I feel i have lost a part of myself - I know that can be quite common for new mums.

Sorry for ramble - typing quickly before she wakes up from nap!

I would use a nursery one or two days a week if you can afford it. It will be great for you to get a break, and it will be lovely for your baby to have a change of environment, change of toys etc and to interact with other people and other babies/children, especially as she gets older

Can you meet friends and go for walks?
We are in tier 3 but there are lots of baby support groups running, even singing ones.
As you have a child under 1 You can form a bubble with another household.
5 days over Christmas you can travel and see 2 other households
What tier are you in?

I would advise using childcare out of the home if possible as I've found with friends who have a mother's help that it's hard to have a true break because it's so hard to relax if you hear the baby is upset. My friend who has one has ended up taking over for naps for example. Are you particularly at risk from covid? If not I would look at nursery or childminder.

We can't see relatives at Xmas due to Covid safety and people being ECV. I don't have many friends with babies who are free during the week to walk, although I do have one. But it would involve getting taxis to a more central area as neither of us drives and we are opposite sides of London. Before Covid it didn't matter where you lived as you could get everywhere quickly on tubes, but now we are stuck in our local area where we don't know anyone and there is nothing going on. It's Tier 2 although sounds like they might move it to Their 3 in coming days.

Do you have a local Facebook for your area? You could see if there any local mums with similar aged babies? Do you have a children’s centre near you? They may still be running sessions or might be able to put you in touch with other parents. There’s also an app called Peanut where you can meet mums who live locally. My first baby was born in March so I know what it feels like to have a new baby around this time 😩 but there are ways to get out and about even with the restrictions.

You definitely need a break! You can find a nanny or mother's help on childcare.co.uk if you're worried about covid, or yes a nursery or childminder. It's so important to have some time to yourself.

My DS is 7.5 months so totally empathise with you. It’s tough after a long day but take that glass of wine into the bath with you - two birds one stone!

I’m in London too and there are several COVID friendly classes running - check out happity app. Also my local NCT group are doing walk and talks so maybe look them up?

Same with March baby.

Have done nothing but rainy outdoor walks since he was born. August did have occasional picnics I suppose.

Also having Christmas just us. If it helps you feel better, mine will only cosleep and contact nap, so I haven’t slept in same bed as husband for months and we go to bed after bath time.

It’s not sustainable and I’m actually looking forward to going back to work pt where I will inevitably catch Covid in the first week.

Nursery I think is the answer.

It can be such a grind sometimes.
My gorgeous DS is 12mo but due to medical reasons can't go to nursery so it's been difficult.

I'm Tier 2 in greater London and have been to a singing baby class this morning. He also does sensory once a week (which was via Zoom during lockdown). We have 2 mummy friends we do walks with. We also go to the local playground and he goes food shopping with me. So despite lockdown, I do feel like we're getting 'out and about' and he's being social.

I second PP who advised wine in the bath; my new favourite hobby!

As another poster has said, you might struggle to really switch off and relax if your baby is in another room with a mother’s help. They would probably be a bit cheaper than a nursery.

With a nursery your baby does get to interact with other children and you get some time properly to yourself. I work part time but also have my baby in nursery half a day extra for some time to myself (as well as cleaning the house too unfortunately!)

My daughter started nursery 2 days a week at 6 months and it's been great for her (and us). I would recommend it if you have the funds.

I am in a tier 3 area but lots of groups, including playgroups and baby classes, are running. Some have rebranded as support groups - and rightly so in my opinion.

If you can afford nursery then do it! Mine are in nursery while I'm at work and I'm so glad - it's a bit of normality for them. At 6mo you maybe won't want her gone all day but perhaps a couple of morning sessions. I think it's great for them and gives you a break too!

Where in London are you?

Lots running around me, and local groups to meet mums.

It would be nice to havr a childminder for a couple mornings a week. Imagine how amazing the time will feel!!

You're right to be thinking about this now, before you get to breaking point.
What you have described above is not healthy.
In your shoes I would be expecting a lot more of DH. However arduous or long his working hours are, he has a baby and it's his responsibility too. Also, I guarantee you are working harder with less reward than he is, and you just had a baby.
This childcare lark is physically tough, and it's for the long term. You need to be physically robust and healthy, which you won't be if you have no time to exercise or otherwise lead a healthy life.
Our DD is older but we split the childcare equally, sharing out bedtimes, both having a day with her in the week, and split the weekend so we both get a half day to ourselves.
I appreciate that isn't possible or desirable if you've chosen to take time off to look after DC and he hasn't, but it sounds like he does virtually nothing and his work comes first. If you don't address this with him now you will likely find that continues indefinitely and your life will be nothing but childcare and housework.