PLEASE PLEASE help me

[Razpoot]

I can't believe im writing this but it's gone too far and I feel so guilty. I've become a single mum recently (the ex was awful, no help at all anyway), have family who help out sometimes but are generally busy with their own lives. I've lost weight and i can see my ribs, i think its all the stress and I'm not finding the time to eat. I have a 4 month old baby who has been waking up every 2 hours each night to be fed (bf). She has her night and days mixed up, goes to sleep at 4pm and wakes 3/4am. Nothing i do budges this, so I've just accepted it and work as she does.

As if I wasn't already tired enough, she's started being awful to put down to sleep. She's such a good baby but the sleep is just the worst. It takes an hour for her to finally go into deep sleep, because she keeps swallowing (i assume its reflux) so i cant put her down to get some sleep myself.

I'm scared of myself. All this sleep deprivation is getting to me. I keep getting so angry at her. I feel so horrible and sick and guilty. It started with huffing and puffing when she woke up for the 10th time, then shouting "shut up!!" One time, and then last night, i cant believe im typing this, i was pacing back and forwards with her and she finally fell asleep and i was just thinking about how angry and tired i was and I grabbed her arm really hard and she started HOWLING. I couldn't stop crying, and i settled her again asap. I can't believe i did that. I feel like a monster. I dont know where all this anger is coming from i love her so much and I'm fine with her during the day, i pride myself on being patient with her and having lots of fun with her everyday and making her happy. I feel truly horrible. I dont want this to get any worse, i know people suggest just leaving them for 5 mins but is there anything else, anything. I really hate myself for this and my poor poor beautiful baby. I feel like an awful mum and i hope she can forgive me. I'm paranoid that this has affected her view as me, i want her to see me as a safe haven and loving

Call your health visitor first thing tomorrow for support, and maybe even the breastfeeding helpline and your G.P about the reflux.

I think you need to tell a family member that you need support OP.

Are you co sleeping or are you getting out of bed each time?

You're not a bad mum, please be kinder to yourself. This is one of the hardest things, no wonder you're exhausted. I've been where you are, sleep deprivation does awful things to you. My also 4 month old wakes every hour at the moment and I'm just broken. I feel SO ANGRY at her in the night then feel dreadful and guilty during the day.

I think you should let a trusted friend or family member know just how much you are struggling and get some help. Even just an hour so you can catch up on some sleep. Everything will seem so much better once you have had a bit more sleep.

Lots of love to you, you can do this.

www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/crying/how-cope-and-keep-calm-crying-baby

We're coalescing. Everytime she wakes up I have to get up and pace back and forwards with her, it puts her back to sleep. But then as soon as I out her down she often wakes. I'll call the health visitor tomorrow, I'm embarrassed to tell her though

Have you got a t.v in your room OP, I had one to distract me whilst I fed baby, don't lay in silence.

Please try to take it second by second for now,

Cosleeping!*
@duploo thank you, it helps to know im not alone. I've called my mum over to help for tonight but i wish I had a partner really who could routinely help, i envy those who do!

@Gorren thank you, that link is really
useful, exactly the kind of thing I was looking for

No tv, especially not during the night. I usually just look on my phone. It would be a good distraction though maybe. Sometimes i listen to music through headphones and that helps while i walk with her. But she is also a really really light sleeper, the tiniest noise wakes her up. She cant sleep through sounds, i cant even whisper and it wakes her up, honestly!

Oh love, I'm so sorry you're in this situation, it sounds so tough. A few things:

1. Well done on getting out of a bad relationship, in the long run this is going to make things so much better and easier.
2. Your baby is too small to be aware this has happened as a one off and it's not going to affect how she feels about you or her relationship with you.
3. You really, really need some help and support as the sleep deprivation, and lack of general self-care, is going to damage your health in a big way. Is there anyone at all you can reach out to? I know you said family are busy with their own lives, but do they know just how tough it is for you at the moment? I'm assuming health visitors are still not doing their job, but is there a trusted GP you could ask to signpost some support? A friend?
4. The part about not feeding yourself properly resonated with me. I accidentally gave myself severe dehydration over a two-week period of caring for a baby and toddler while my husband was away working once. You need to prioritise keeping yourself fuelled; you are your baby's life support system and she needs you to be healthy! Maybe make yourself some meal plans and schedules so you can keep on top of this during the day, and get in things you can drink that will also give you a bit of energy and vitamins (I mean juices and smoothies, not energy drinks).

Lastly, you are not a terrible mum or a bad person. You're under a huge amount of strain and you're doing a brilliant job. Be kind to yourself.

Will she fall sleep on the boob in laying position (you on your side and her facing you?)
Then you take boob out of mouth when she's asleep?

I did it on my own from 7 months pregnant, I have never had any help OP, so I told myself (in regards to ex) he won't get the better of me, I have to do this on my own. Its us 2 now and we can do this, we will be fine. We will be happy, this is our little family, just the two of us, she only has me and I will protect her.

You can do it, its hard, so bloody hard.
I cried and cried some days, and reached rock bottom but somewhere you find the strength to go again (and again)

2 more things OP!,

I used to have rhe t.v on very low but have the subtitles on, it makes you feel less alone,

Ring these people tomorrow, even if you feel o.k as you will remember what they say in the middle of the night -

www.cry-sis.org.uk/

They are there as a service because it is needed by parents, they are there for you.

You are not a terrible mother. Sleep deprivation does awful things to us. I have scared myself before with the anger I felt towards my little one, it's a crushing feeling. You will get through this OP!

You say she's a light sleeper. Have you tried white noise? Mine is a really light sleeper and white noise helps massively. It cancels out all the other household noises that would usually wake her.

Also, is she warm enough? It's pretty chilly in the UK at the moment and she could be a little cold as well as hungry.

It DOES get better. Enlist some help so you can catch up on some sleep, and make sure you feed yourself as another poster said. Go to bed at 7pm if you have to. Order some healthy ready-made meals from the supermarket if you can. Don't be afraid of feeding her to sleep or co-sleeping or whatever you need to do to get through.

Another thought OP, have you tried gentle sleep training and putting in place a schedule? Little Ones do a reasonably affordable package - £45 including support from sleep consultants via their forum. I've been using them, and whilst night time is still abysmal, they've helped me sort out the day a lot more. For example, I hadn't realised self settling (which is the key to sleeping through the night) is a lot easier when the naps are a certain time apart, and even though there's a natural dip about an hour after a nap, you need to get the baby to power through to the 2-hour point (at 4 months), etc. Worth a look? You get your money back if it doesn't work, so for me it was worth it.