Too old for a baby?

[Elle2018]

I’m a mum, my youngest is 12, I’m 43. I’m also single. I’ve never thought about having any more kids mainly because I’ve not had to, but the subject came up during a conversation with a guy on a dating site and it got me thinking whether it is something I’d be willing (and able) to do again. Is there anyone here who has become a mum again after thinking they were done? How old is too old? Does anyone have old parents and if so how did it affect you growing up? I’d love people’s thoughts on it

I’m 37 and done. I had my second last year and I’m too old and tired to deal with another pregnancy and another 2 years of sleepless nights. I suppose it depends on how much energy you have and what your health/fitness levels are.

It depends how likely you’d be to get pregnant at 43.

If it was going to happen it wouldn’t be yet so I’d be even older!

Tbh I wouldn't if I had a choice (ie I already have kids so wouldn't but might be I hadn't by then) I'd rather not as by the time you've met someone, got to that point and gotten pregnant then had the baby you'd be what, 45/46? In your 60's by the time they're young teens

DH has older parents and it wasn't great really for him. I wouldn't recommend it.

I had my 2nd when my 1st was 10. I didn't mind going back to the baby stage but I was a fair bit younger. My dad was 46 when I was born I wasn't embarrassed about his age at school. Didn't miss out on anything we went on holidays. Chucking us about when swimming etc. Even now he'll be 70 in a week and he still swings the grandchildren about.

I’m 44 and had my 3rd dc at 42 with a 12 year age gap. The baby phase was fine, but my toddler is definitely the most active and opinionated I’ve ever dealt with - it’s exhausting!

@zeddybrek

DH has older parents and it wasn't great really for him. I wouldn't recommend it.

Exactly this. DH's mum had him at 42, by the time he was 25 he was having to do a LOT of looking after them. She really regrets not having him sooner, too, and her bitterness over the fact that she won't be around to enjoy her DGC for as long as my parents will is absolutely trashing our relationship.

The main thing that I think puts people off having kids mid 40s is the thought that by the time they leave uni and start out on their life path, you're in your mid to late 60s. However, given advances in medicine and quality of life, being late 60s isn't OLD, not by previous standards. When I think back to my own grandparents who were in their early 60s when they died in the 80s- they really were old! My parents are much much older than that now and are fit as fleas. I wouldn't compare somebody's experience of having old parents right now, as chances are we'll all be living happily into our 90s and beyond by the time the time comes.
I don't think there's a "too old" line for me- but of course you have to be aware of the increased risk to maternal health and the chance of complications with your baby and weigh that up.

Does anyone have old parents and if so how did it affect you growing up?

A close friend’s parents had a baby in their mid 40s. The baby had Down Syndrome and some other disabilities. It was the end of her childhood and then was the end of her career ambitions when she adopted her sibling because her parents died and so she became the sole carer.

I think you are statistically VERY unlikely to get pregnant healthily after 43. There are plenty of people that do, but they’re statistical outliers.

My friend had twins at 50 but using double donor (eggs and sperm). A big chunk of those having first children over 40 will have had medical intervention. (Just had my first at 40 after losses and I know my window for a sibling is VERY narrow).

I had an unplanned 3rd dc at 44 with a 7 year age gap . As a pp said, pregnancy and baby bit fine. But my god I'm struggling as a 48 yr old with a 3.5 yr old. I do feel old and I feel menopausal. But that could also be because he is day 11 of isolating and it has been so so tedious. I reckon though for me, it's not just my age, it's hard going back to chasing toddlers when all your friends just stand about chatting. And I sometimes long to sit and play a game with my older kids and simply can't because dc3 needs my attention. Saying all that negativity, he is really gorgeous and I feel well and truely like he filled a gap that needed filling. I just don't think 2020 has helped my toddler experience!

I think by 45ish it’s highly unlikely to happen.
If you were thinking of being a parent again at that age, my personal preference would be adopting a child that’s already here and in need of parents over the likelihood of needing donor eggs and going through a very high risk pregnancy for yourself.

My grammar was terrible...I mean my personal preference for my own self rather than my personal preference for you...I wouldn’t be as presumptious to dictate that you should adopt over IVF. But if it was me, that would be my choice.

My mum was 43 when she had her youngest child (me) and I was also 43 when I had my youngest child. I had a very happy childhood and am enjoying my baby too.

Frogswimming, it's nice to hear from other "geriatric" mothers. I was early 40s and I was by no means the oldest pregnant mum, looking around my clinic on appointment days. I think we tend to hear mainly the horror stories and the trials and tribulations which overlooks that an ever growing percentage of women are having babies into their 40s without incident. Of course, the odds shift and keep shifting the further you go into your pregnancy, and that's something to be aware of- but it's by no means a given that you will struggle to get pregnant/ stay pregnant/ have a baby without complications.

@CardinalCat

Frogswimming, it's nice to hear from other "geriatric" mothers. I was early 40s and I was by no means the oldest pregnant mum, looking around my clinic on appointment days. I think we tend to hear mainly the horror stories and the trials and tribulations which overlooks that an ever growing percentage of women are having babies into their 40s without incident. Of course, the odds shift and keep shifting the further you go into your pregnancy, and that's something to be aware of- but it's by no means a given that you will struggle to get pregnant/ stay pregnant/ have a baby without complications.

Sorry that should say "the odds keep shifting the further you go into your 40s"...

Thank you it’s really interesting to hear all different points of views, and yes Cardinal I think you do hear more about the problematic pregnancies than you do about the ones with no issues.

I had my first child at 19, then my second when I was 38. Currently ttc at 41 for dc3. I thought I was done with one, but had second thoughts later in life. I cope well on very little sleep (typically get about 5 hours) and I'm physically fit so I feel I have enough energy for another. It's a big change going back to the baby stage with an older child, but it's also been lovely to rediscover things like days out with a toddler.

I would love dc2 to have a sibling closer in age, so I'm going for another although my age isn't ideal. We live in an urban area where most parents are older so I don't feel it's too much of a problem dealing with the toddler/primary years. I am more sad about getting elderly/frail when they're adults - the idea that I could be dead by the time they're the same age as I am now and I might never know any grandchildren.

Personally I would only have another dc if it happened naturally, I wouldn't use donor eggs or any assisted reproduction. And I would undergo any tests for abnormalities and probably wouldn't proceed if any were detected. I suppose I am not really desperate for a third, just hoping it might happen but if it doesn't then it's not meant to be.

I had mine at 41 and 43, my sister had hers at 45 and a friend at 46 and countless other at 40-41. But as you do not have a partner now you are looking at 45 probably, and it is quite unlikely. And will your not yet partner want a child?
I wouldn't really think about it until it becomes even a possibility.

I had someone in my class who’s mum and dad were 50 and 60 when we were around 10. Lots of people found it strange that their parents were around the same age as our grandparents.

I’d personally draw the line at 30 but i know thats very early for some.

@LividLoves

I think you are statistically VERY unlikely to get pregnant healthily after 43. There are plenty of people that do, but they’re statistical outliers.

My friend had twins at 50 but using double donor (eggs and sperm). A big chunk of those having first children over 40 will have had medical intervention. (Just had my first at 40 after losses and I know my window for a sibling is VERY narrow).

I think that’s a very realistic post.

A lot of conversation on MN about motherhood post 40 ignores both conception statistics and fertility treatment.

Hi OP,

My dad was 40 when I was born and I was his first of two.

Sadly, he died a couple of years ago at 66. I felt like I didn't get much time with him. Plus, his health wasn't great for a fair while.

I've just given birth to a son, which would have been his first biological grandchild. I'm sad he never got a chance to meet him.

I definitely wouldn't have a child after 35. I'm on my last now at 30 .

It works for some people and is often not a choice they actively make e.g. only meeting their partner later in life etc

However, the idea that once a child is truly an adult and beginning their own lives their parents would be in their early 60s is very off putting to me.