Girl in DDs class asking for a playdate, DD doesnt want to WWYD

[CatsRock]

A new girl joined DD's class this year, let's call her Anna. They are year 3. At the start they got on well but as DD got to know Anna better she likes her less.

Anna sounds like a dominant type, always has to choose the game, the rules, etc. She also pushes DD on who plays with who and won't accept DD not always playing with her.

I have some sympathy with Anna as starting a new school and making friends is hard. Equally she sounds like a more extrovert personality and DD who is more introverted, thoughtful and perceptive (so really takes on board the 'be kind' messaging at school and finds it hard to stand up for herself). So she can be easily pushed around by this kind of character (has happened before).

Anna's mum is pushing for a playdate and has asked by several methods (note from school).

I am planning to say no - to support DD's own boundaries and model them for her.

But keen for suggestions on how. Do i go with:

1. the easy 'not in our current tier / lockdown' out?

Or

1. am I more honest and say that the friendship isn't working for DD at the moment so no thank you?

'We're restricting our social activities because of Covid right now."

That buys you time and you never know, they may actually be friends in a few months.

I think we are not mixing due to covid is they way to go, then see how it goes Anna is just a little kid and maybe a bit over excited don't write her off as this and that but that doesn't mean your DD has to play with her.

Just use Covid to kick it into the long grass for now

I'd use Covid as the reason.
Hopefully Anna and her mum will start asking someone who is more up for it.

I think honesty is too risky here. Dominant child could be hurt and take it out on your dd.

Another vote for Covid, kids at that age change friends all the time so they might be best buddies in a month or two, no point pissing the parent off if it's not needed.

I go for a mix so that you still have a ready excuse for when Covid is just a memory. Rather than say anything about the other girl or the friendship I would say that your DD is quite introverted and so doesn't go on many playdates by choice, plus you are limiting contacts because of Covid.

Yes maybe. It feels dishonest as it is not what I'd do in an adult friendship situation, and it's not what I encourage DD to do (as in, im encouraging her to stand her ground and say, for example ' I don't want to play if I dont get to choose the game sometimes'

But like you say, things change.

@CatsRock

Yes maybe. It feels dishonest as it is not what I'd do in an adult friendship situation, and it's not what I encourage DD to do (as in, im encouraging her to stand her ground and say, for example ' I don't want to play if I dont get to choose the game sometimes'

But like you say, things change.

Just to give you another perspective, my children (all girls) are in years 10, 9 and 7. Year 3 is a horrible year. They have been given the 'you're juniors now' message, they're just starting to realise that no, not everyone is friends with everyone, and they're trying to establish themselves.

You have no idea how perceptive Anna is. She may be very perceptive, but doesn't know how to deal with the fact that your DD isn't too keen on her. She may think that she just hasn't 'tried' enough.

It isn't being deceptive to give a holding line. It also isn't weak. It is wisely allowing space for the girls to develop a stronger understanding of who they are and who their friends are, without passing judgement on Anna or making her mum feel bad.

1. Tell her, tactfully, that DD does not want a playdate with Anna because of the way Anna treats her at school.

Children.and friends is a delicate balance being totally honest can cause friction and hurt feelings that 6/7 year olds can't process it is fine to fudge the truth a little bit sometimes, if it goes on you can say to mum that the girls are not getting on in school so a playdate isn't the best idea.

I would say thanks, but not right now (Covid is your friend here). The dynamic may change and I wouldn't cut off the possibility of them becoming better friends.

Sorry 7/8 im not in England so forget the age of the years sometimes.

Thanks all.

@Lougle yes that's really helpful perspective, thanks. DD is my eldest so i don't have any sense of where things are going, but good to hear this stuff may get easier on its one.

DD finds the playground politics pretty tough to navigate right now.