Back to work, increased hours in childcare and I’m feeling guilty.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

I have always worked since my 3 year old was 12 months old, but up until two weeks ago I was signed off sick for 5 months so was obviously home all the time with him, and prior to that we were always together at home (also with my other son and husband) due to lockdown.

Once September kicked in, my son was then entitled to his 30 hours at childcare so he was with his childminder one day more than usual (he had previously been with her two days a week) but it was fine as I was still off from work which meant I saw him everyday around his childcare hours.

However, two weeks ago I went back to work (25 hours a week) and between that, and him being at childcare more, I feel like I hardly see him anymore and I’m really, really missing him. I’m sad to say it, but it almost feels like our relationship or bond has changed a little bit because of it.

As is stands I see him on these days:

Monday: he goes to the childminders and I see him between 6-7 am, and then from 5-7pm.

Tuesday: the same schedule as Monday.

Wednesday - I am home with him all day until about 5.30pm then I have to go to a family members house in relation to me working the next day.

Thursday: I work all day so I don’t see him at all due to my hours.

Friday: I am home all day with him right up until he goes to bed at 7pm.

Saturday: I see him between 6-7am, then I go to work all day and he’s asleep when I come home.

Sunday: I’m home all day with him.

It just doesn’t feel like enough.

Maybe I’m feeling low because I’ve been home so much for the last 8 months that suddenly being away from him so much is talking it’s toll on me.

Does anyone else feel like this? How do you handle it?

I didn’t think I would ever be the kind of woman to feel “mum guilt” about working.....but I feel like it’s creeping up on me

I think its very normal that your bond is changing - he's growing up! Separating from your parents a bit is really, really normal, it's a vital part of development, he's going to be less and less a part of you and more his own person. This would be happening even if you were with him 24/7.

Also, at 3, social development is really important. Spending time with kids his own age, learning how to get along with his peers, learning that he isn't the sole centre of focus, as he likely (which is very normal) is at home - all of this is vital for his social development and a really important part of him growing up to be an empathetic, well-rounded young man.

Also, it's worth examining the root of your own emotions here - this guilt you're feeling is so, so, so gendered. Does his father spend his time feeling guilty that he goes to work? Have you ever heard a man say he feels these things? This sort of guilt is almost exclusively a female experience, and it is bullshit.

Remind yourself that your guilt here is coming from a shitty, outdated, patriarchal society. Your son is loved, taken care of and cherished, and that is absolutely good enough. You presumably have to work, so that you can afford things he needs, like food and a home, and so you should feel ZERO guilt. You're also setting him a really positive model for his future relationships.

Basically don't feel bad. You're smashing this, and your son is fine.

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I'm about to go back to work so prepping to feel similar.

On the face of it while you look like you'll be working a lot, I don't think it's an unusual amount. I don't say this to try and minimise how you feel but because lots of babies and toddlers will see their mums similar amounts and they are fine. I guess it is a change and might change the dynamic a bit, but life is full of change. Just because it feels hard to begin with doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Hopefully you'll find it easier once you've settled into things.