Tips being assertive with MIL without awkwardness

[Hopeful5million]

Hi all, since having my first baby six months ago I’ve been really struggling with my mil, she makes so many comments which I often feel like are criticisms, that it’s really starting to chip away at my confidence. Have tried talking to husband but he can’t accept that his mum is at fault at all and tells me I’m too sensitive. Husband and family are german and trying to avoid stereotyping they are quite direct, so perhaps it’s a bit of a cultural misunderstanding. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had any tips on how to be assertive without making things awkward. I would like to regain my confidence, and I want to set a good example for my baby, I don’t want to shrink away in the corner whenever we are around them, which is very often since they live only five minutes walk away. Thank you for any help at all 🙏

If they are assertive themselves, they can probably take directness from you.

Just tell your MIL one to one how you feel and ask her to rein it in a bit. Frame as as not wanting it to affect your relationship.

Be very direct back. Next time say something like - thanks, but it feels like criticism rather than support and its hurting my feelings? Or ' I've listened to what you've said but I'm going to do it my way thanks.'

Do it every time and stand your ground. If you are firm now it saves a lot of grief in the future.
Your husband should also have a little word with her so you need to be assertive with him too. He should support you.

I had a similar situation with a northern European MIL. She confidently asserted her views and if I timorously said my views, she would give me 5 reasons why her view was right. It was exhausting and she was oblivious to my feelings.

Over time I came to realise that I was the expert in my babies and she was the expert in her babies. What she had done with hers was neither right nor wrong for mine, but I was the ultimate expert. I guess I am saying have quiet confidence in your own expertise, then her assertions/ direct behaviour will lose their edge.

Bit of a nuclear option but I laughed

Whenever my MIL came out with some ‘helpful’ comment, I would laugh at her. It worked and she rarely does it now!

For example....

MIL - “You should have started weaning him by now, put a rusk in his bottle”
Me - “Hahahahaha”
MIL - “What’s so funny?”
Me - “I think it’s funny that you don’t remember that I’ve told you three times that I won’t be doing that. Silly Nanny!”

MIL - “You don’t need to pick him up every time he cries”
Me - “Hahahaha”
MIL - “What?”
Me - “It’s funny that you think I don’t know how to look after my own baby. Silly Nanny!”

And so on

Got me a lot of funny looks from DH and other family but nobody dared say anything and now she’s stopped 😂

"I appreciate the advice, but we're fine, thanks."

Every. Single. Time.

Classic MIL interference. Mine does it all the time. After everything she says I just reply “I think I know what’s best for my own son. But thanks for the suggestion!” Tends to keep her quiet for a bit

I do exactly the same as @Eggcellent29

I tried talking to her, I tried standing my ground, but I've come to conclusion that she believes she is superior and knows best, when actually she's just bonkers

Her: I don't think you should do it like that
Me: Hahahahaha walks away

I feel so much better since I stopped interacting and discussing it with her

Thanks all! I’m glad there are people who understand me! She is starting to drive me a bit nuts, she came around this afternoon unannounced and baby had just had the biggest poo of his life that ended up all over me so I decided to have a shower whilst husband watched baby, she arrived and as I was about to walk into the living room after my shower I heard her ask if I always took so long in the shower. I mean, why ask a question like that, I feel like everything she says is loaded. Anyway I turned around and spent half an hour cleaning the bathroom and bedroom before coming back out and then I said I’m sorry I don’t usually take so long but I’m not feeling well today, it would be better if you ring first next time. Although I think you are all right and the best thing is just not to engage at all! Ugh. Just wish she didn’t live so close. I have friends with such lovely mother in laws, I’m starting to feel quite envious.

My MIL showed up unannounced twice.

The first time I asked her on the doorstep why she was here. She said to see her grandchild. I told her I would call her when it was conviensbt and shut the door.

God did I hear about that 😂

The second time I just didn’t answer the door or phone 🤷‍♀️

It’s so rude to show up at someone’s house like that!

Your MIL sounds awful. In that situation I would have laughed at her and saI’d something like “would you like to time my next poo as well?” 🤷‍♀️

Weirdly my MIL doesn’t come round much anymore 😂

@Eggcellent29

I feel like I need you to tell me all your tips and tricks for dealing with MIL's!

I got on ok with my MIL. But she has always had this way of treating DH like he's not really quite capable and thus, by default, me too. I was not terribly keen on this.
We've never fallen out, but we've had a few moments!
Generally I have been pleasant and friendly but she has annoyed me into a few barbed comments. Once, when we were visiting them, DD had been walking along with granny and we came to a road crossing. Instead of just taking DD's hand she made a big fuss and instructed me to take more care. I was one step behind and the situation was entirely under control. I stepped forward, took her hand and said (loudly) ' it's amazing you haven't been run over by a car before without Granny telling me what to do'.
She didn't try that again in a hurry.

@Eggcellent29 oh my lord, howling laughing! Mine shows up unannounced too, I might take a leaf out of your book. Also, you should consider writing how too book

My DH and in laws are Dutch, I understand what you mean about directness bordering on rudeness!

I’m currently nc with mil as she was so rude to me and when I called her out on it she was plain nasty. However there’s a lot of background there so you hopefully won’t have to go that far!

Think about all the ways you’ve been socialised to be polite and think about if your politeness is just indirectness to them.

So if you naturally apologise for just doing what you want to do (like not rushing out to see her after a shower) then don’t apologise! If you tend to give shit sandwiches, don’t bother, just say what you need to without adding on niceties each side. Never say ‘I’ll think about it’ or maybe, when you mean no. Just say no. You don’t have to justify your reasoning and if they argue just repeat you said no.

I’m still working on it as I see my in laws so rarely and I find it incredibly stressful seeing them as most of them are lovely but make me feel so awkward!

@Hopeful5million

Thanks all! I’m glad there are people who understand me! She is starting to drive me a bit nuts, she came around this afternoon unannounced and baby had just had the biggest poo of his life that ended up all over me so I decided to have a shower whilst husband watched baby, she arrived and as I was about to walk into the living room after my shower I heard her ask if I always took so long in the shower. I mean, why ask a question like that, I feel like everything she says is loaded. Anyway I turned around and spent half an hour cleaning the bathroom and bedroom before coming back out and then I said I’m sorry I don’t usually take so long but I’m not feeling well today, it would be better if you ring first next time. Although I think you are all right and the best thing is just not to engage at all! Ugh. Just wish she didn’t live so close. I have friends with such lovely mother in laws, I’m starting to feel quite envious.

"If I need your advice I'll ask for it" "You need to respect my right to deal with my child my way just like you did with yours" "I take showers for as long as I want" "That doesn't work for me" "I tnought I was the parent not you". And finally, in desperation, cover your ears and say "La la la la la la. I'm not listening" while she's giving you some very useful advice. You can add thank you or please if you wish but don't apologise for the right to deal with your own child or having a shower or anything you want to do.

Op you have my sympathy. Dd1 was born in a heatwave and exmil used to repetitively suggest I give her water in a bottle even though I was breastfeeding. I think they think things were done better in the 70s when they had kids (and smoked while pregnant wearing no seatbelts!) so I feel your pain. The point about your shower is exactly the sort of pointless comment my exmil would make. I think she spent her entire life serving her family 24 hours a day and felt it terribly self indulgent to enjoy a shower when you could be ironing your husbands underwear or some pointless act of servitude

Haha thanks all, made me laugh.
Stealth ninja mummy I think that’s it exactly, she spends her life in servitude and begrudges anyone who doesn’t do the same.

Another tip! If she asks you a direct question, (which is obviously a criticism) give an unapologetic response.
My MIL picked up a jar of peanut butter I was making DD lunch with and recoiled in horror. It was just bog standard supermarket pb (not low salt, low sugar, organic etc) and said 'do you know how much salt is in this?' to which I replied 'yes' and carried on. There were other reasons (DD ate a very narrow range of food and this was something she was still happily eating) which I didn't feel like explaining (would have then got the arched eyebrow of disapproval for that too)
But a simple yes, with no further explanation rather shut the lecture down.