Returning to work

[Louise035]

Hi,
Wow it feels like a long time since I posted in here from those later days of pregnancy panicking about birth ha! In reality, it was almost a year ago!

So, after extending my maternity leave due to Covid circumstances, I return on Monday after a year away. I’m lucky that I am returning on a 3 day per week basis and she will be with her grandparents while I’m at work. Rationally, I know how lucky I am. However, I am really struggling. Every time I look at her, I want to cry at the thought of not spending every day together. I was extremely clingy as a child and I always swore I wouldn’t want my own child to feel the feelings and anxiety I did when I eventually went to school etc. However, because of lockdown, we’ve barely been apart at all. I haven’t been able to leave her while I popped to the shop or out for tea etc. Every part of my rational brain tells me I’m being silly... but I’m just so anxious and worried about the return. I worry she will think I’ve abandoned her or that I’m not coming back. I have left her for an hour or two over the past few weeks to build up and she’s done really well. It’s just me! I can’t shake this awful feeling and keep randomly crying about it. Is it normal?

She will be absolutely fine. I returned 34 hours per week when my little boy was 5 months old (back in April). The thought is worse than the reality. Just don't project any anxieties.

Hi @Louise035
I’ve come to this thread for the same reason. I’m back to work in January and my lo is almost eight months, will be 8.5 months when I leave him. I am devastated and similarly can’t stop crying.

He’s never ever been alone with anyone except me or his dad. We’ve been in lockdown with no local family, so it’s just us. The idea of handing him over to a key worker at nursery terrifies me. He’s a very sensitive wee man and already cries when I leave the room, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can do anything!

So I’m here for moral support and any answers that Mumsnetters might have

I think the idea of it is often worse than the reality.

I went back to work at ten months with my son and nine months with my daughter. Being able to leave your son with family will be a huge help. Both mine went/go to nursery and it was hard with my eldest as he did cry when I left. But then some days he started crying if we walked past the nursery and DIDN’T go in - so I realised he must have enjoyed it there! Wave goodbye with a big smile and tell him you’ll come back.

Thank you @3rdtimelucky2019 and @Debradoyourecall - I know deep down that you are both right. The silly thing is, I’m a teacher and I’ve worked in nursery before. I’ve seen them cry and cry and then when the parents have gone, be so distracted and happy that I always ended up feeling sorry for the poor parents who would’ve gone home worrying. @Bookishnerd this should hopefully reassure you. I do think that lockdown has made us especially tough. When she was a month or two old, I’d leave her to go to a shop or something whereas since March, which is when I think she started developing more awareness anyway, is when she hasn’t really been with anyone else. @Bookishnerd are you returning full time? X

@Louise035 four days a week. My husband works weird shifts so it’s also possible that we’ll be able to do some half-days, with him shouldering the childcare until he goes to work/after he comes home, depending on his shift pattern. That would be nice as I’d be working from home and could pop down and see him on breaks from calls etc.

In my rational brain, I know that parenting is wider than childcare, and that paying someone to look after him while I work is not being a bad parent. In fact, I’m not great at finding things to do to entertain my LO and am very happy to hand him over to a professional who has experience and qualifications in early years care (I’m winging it!)

In theory*

In reality, I feel like I’m about to put him through some sort of mental torture from which he’ll never recover. He’s going to be so distressed and anxious and I’m willingly putting him through that, and I feel like a horrendous mother for doing that.

I know it’s just anxious FTM brain in the middle of lockdown. But what I really want is for someone to wave a magic wand and invent a world where I get to do work that I find interesting and fulfilling, with my baby on hand so I can have cuddles all day long on demand, and be there for all the fun, warm, wonderful bits, and have someone else do all hard stuff while I work.

*also should say that I admire and respect SAHM, it’s just not for me.

I am a full time teacher, DP works full time so our daughter spends four days a week with the in laws and one day at nursery. Her bond with her ‘Nanny and Gaga’ is incredible to witness. Thinking of it that way makes the lost time together much easier to stomach.

DS went to nursery at 9.5months and DD will be going at 8months. I am also really anxious about her going despite knowing my son loves nursery and runs in. Think it is especially hard with lockdown and them not being used to seeing other people or maybe it's because we haven't left them with anyone before it's harder. Agree the rational part of my brain says it will be fine but the emotional side is screaming hysterically at the thought!