I'm an awful mum. Not much better a person. It's making me miserable.

[notthemumiwanttobe]

I have an 18 month old toddler and I'm awful with him. I am at home with him all day everyday and I barely interact with him. I sit on the sofa on my phone, he comes over to me constantly and I'll just put tv on for him so we can cuddle. I'll get annoyed when he stops wanting that and wants to play. He can only say 5 words which I'm not sure is great for his age. I actively try and avoid parenting. As soon as dh gets home I run to bed and just lie there on my phone. I feel like I avoid my life. It makes me really upset. I'm like a zombie with my phone and whilst I'm on it I'll be thinking this isn't as good as my son why am I prioritising this but I'll hide my phone in a drawer and be back on it within the hour. I don't have any friends to meet up with me and haven't gone to groups due to Covid. I struggle filling the full days with him, and it's gradually got worse and worse. I'm in such a slump. I don't even take care of myself. I realised this morning I've not even had a drink (not alcohol but of anything, even water) in the past 48 hours. I'm a lazy person who is addicted to screen time , yesterday my phone said I was on it for 16 hours.., it makes me feel ill but still I do it to the point of basically neglecting myself and my son. Even dh said to me this morning that I'm acting disgusting these last few months. This isn't the mum I was or want to be. I have no motivation no anything I just want to sit down all day and avoid life. I don't know how to sort myself out. I genuinely feel addicted. Like I may need to get rid of a smart phone altogether.

It does sound like you are using your phone as an escape OP.

However it sounds like you could have PND, and that is WHY your trying to escape.
I was diagnosed and antidepressants really helped.

Give your phone to your DH to take to work for the day?

Why don't you start small, give a fixed period of time each day you put your phone away and sit and play, or go out for a walk to the park each morning.

I think you need to contact your GP. The phone use is a symptom of what sounds like depression. Help is out there.

Sounds like PND.

First speak to your HV, you need to ditch your phone and not have access to it...give it to your dh every day.

Sit down with your dh and draw up a simple daily schedule for you and your son with outside time....walk with the buggy, drive or walk to a park etc.so you both get fresh air and he gets a run around with a ball etc. then time chunks of stuff like colouring, noisy toys, tv time, books, loading washing machine - he can bang pots while you do stuff in kitchen etc.

Try and have structured snack and meal times with him.
Have kiddie songs/ nursery rhymes on the radio/speaker so there's low level music on.

Being at home on your own with a toddler every single is soul destroying. Especially in winter and under current circumstances. I agree you should speak to your GP ASAP about possible PND. In the meantime, like a PP suggested, start small...plan a couple of simple activities a day with your DS - drawing, reading, making a den with settee cushions, etc. Get out for a walk every day even if the weather’s shit! Look after yourself, try and eat well and fill a big bottle of water to drink through the day. Look after yourself OP, this year’s been a tough one

Get to your Gp, you know this isn't healthy or sustainable, it's great that you recognize that but you need to actively do something about it.
Be aware of what your future holds, if your DH is getting pissed off there is every chance he could leave the relationship, and from what you've said I think he would get custody of your son.
Right now it probably seems very bleak to you, but with a bit of help I think you'll get your motivation back and can start to put things right.

Give yourself a break OP. Times are tough and toddlers are tough too. Double whammy , I would struggle with that too. It doesn't mean you're an awful person it means you need help. Absolutely no shame in that whatsoever. Well done for recognising that something needs to change, that's the first step. Second step is get a consultation with your GP. I'm going to shout at you now so you hear me. BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!

They actually sell phone lock boxes with timers because you're not alone in your addiction. Sounds silly but might actually help!

www.amazon.com/Kitchen-Safe-Locking-Container-Height/dp/B00E9J3MLM/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?dchild=1&psc=1&keywords=cell+phone+lock+box&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUE5VTlLWjdTUzMzR0smZW5jcnlwdGVkSWQ9QTA4MTc5MzMzNTBBVVRDTkM2NEREJmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTA4NzkzMzgxUThaNDFTNFlBSjczJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfcGhvbmVfc2VhcmNoX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1607073543&sr=8-1-spons

Timetable your day. So breakfast, half hour of chores, coats and wellies on then out for an hour (even in the rain) - go to the park, the wood, look at Xmas decorations, walk around the local shopping centre. Home and snack. Tv show. Hang washing make lunch..... do you have any friends or family you can meet for walk? If not look at local NCT groups or church groups....some are doing organised walks etc.. don't forget to pop to the library once a week, the the next day you can read little one the books. That will help his language development.

Once you have a new structure you will feel better about every thing.

Well your not a horrible person but you need to make changes and you know it. It sounds like you are struggling, but that doesn't make you awful! You sound depressed actually. You should co side speaking to your GP or health visitor.

This year has been really difficult and you need to be kind to yourself. But be honest: does going on your phone actually make you feel better? I bet it doesn't. So do some things that DO make you feel better about yourself.
Try half an hour with full attention on your son - may feel hard at first but afterwards you will feel much better about yourself.
Dont reward yourself with your phone.

These are things I used to do when I can't think of anything else to do with a toddler:

Put fun music on spotify (Christmas stuff?) and dance about.
Play catapaults: Make a sort of seesaw out of a large book balanced on a toy or something. Put a (soft) toy on one end and whack the other really hard. Toy goes flying! This used to send my child into hysterics.
Just silly, quick games and little activities that dont take long to set up or clear away. (Not necessarily pinterest ready, fancy activities: just messing about!)

Fake it till you make it. Channel your inner kids TV presenter and chat away to your son, asking questions, repeating words, etc. Its really, really hard at first, I'm not going to lie. But it gets easier! Then one day you realise you're not faking it any more.

But for a start, put your phone away in a cupboard.