Friendship problem with Dd

[mrsnec]

We live abroad. Dd and ds used to go to a private nursery. When they were there they formed a very strong friendship with a child who was the only other English child at the nursery. We had him and his parents over so they could have a play date. It was never reciprocated and the mother declined my friend request on FB, blocked me and blanked me at all nursery events. I have no idea why.

We then moved our DC to the state run facilities in our village so they were closer to home and to try and integrate into our own community more. I thought Dd would move on and make new friends but she hasn't. She mentions this child every day asking when she can see him again and she puts him in all her drawings etc.

She stays with our inlaws regularly, they keep telling her he's going to come and visit but when he doesn't I have to deal with the fall out.

DH is telling her he's been trying to call the parents and they haven't called back.

I've told DH I want DD to move on and cant we just say they've moved back to the UK? He says we can't lie to her. What would happen if we bump into them somewhere? I don't have a very good track record with friendships if my own and DH thinks I might have offended the parents but I can't think of anything I might have done or said.

Who is right and what can I do?

Good grief. You flannel them at this age...with vague answers like

"Oh his Mummy's very busy" and "Never mind...let's ask someone else instead"

You don't like or tell them you've tried to call! Who cares if you have or haven;t offended them...there's no way to know so move on. Be VERY firm with your inlaws. They're feeding your child's disappointment.

Dd is now 6. It's been 18 months since the playdate and 10 months since she moved school. So it's been going on a long time. I have tried being vague but it's not working and I'm tired of it.

But I agree about the parents and that my in-laws aren't helping the situation.

Is the child at the same school?

If not, could you say they moved away to the other side of the country/a different country and you don’t have their address. You and the grandparents are keeping her hoping/wishing otherwise.

I think you need to fill the gap this boy has created with activities/meet ups with new classmates if at all possible.

She will stop asking, I had a similar thing with my eldest DC in Montessori. It took two years before we stopped hearing his name, being asked to invite him to her parties etc.

You can’t lie. Sod’s law if you lie you’ll run into them the next day.
You just have to keep it vague.

No not at the same school. The old private nursery and the family in question is the next village from us so about 5km away.

We have had very strict Covid protocol here. We can't interact with other parents at pick up and drop off. Before lockdown I hadn't got to know any of the parents at the new school. All after school activities parks, soft play centres are all still closed here.

I will just have to put up with it for now I think.

You could be straightforward with her.

• X's mummy and daddy are very busy and don't go playdates.
• X goes to a new school now and has new friends in his class. You go to your school and your friends are in your class.

I'm pretty sure I said something similar along with many other things to my DC. For me, my DC didn't make many friends and that was the real reason for never forgetting that boy. After two years in school, DC has a few friends, not many and not any close friends, but rarely mentions the boy from Montessori these days.

I would definitely make sure the grandparents are not mentioning it. They have the best will in the world but a straight conversation telling them why there won't be any playdates with this boy is in order.

I tried the line about new friends in her new class and she said 'But I don't like them, I like X and I miss him'

It is actually possible X and his family have moved. The last time we saw them the lease was up for renewal on their house. Also we have to apply for residency before Brexit and they said they weren't going to bother but I don't know if they stayed or not.