Please listen - Really Struggling

[cakesandcookies89]

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in awhile, my little DS is 10 months old. We've had quite the journey to have him and I thank my lucky stars everyday. We were in hospital for over a week when he was born, he had terrible colic until 4 months and then was diagnosed with a milk allergy. Food has been tricky.. he spits a lot out and I keep being told I need to try harder. I cook what I can from scratch but he will not eat a vegetable unless mashed up. He has only just started crawling and again have been told he is behind. I'm a teacher and he is my first so I am well aware that they all develop at their own rate. For the first time and even since his colic I got really cross with ds today as he kept crying and had to leave the room and count to 10. I feel like the worlds worst Mum and feel so guilty. It has been a hard year for the world with lockdown but I feel being inside and losing my beloved nana has affected me more than I've realised. DP works long hours and I do all early mornings and night times since 3 months. Ds is a beautiful, generally happy little soul. I'm just concerned that I snapped. Any advice? Is this normal this far into their first year? Thank you for listening x

If you've got to 10 months before you've needed time out to calm down, I'd say you're doing brilliantly. Don't be so hard on yourself. Parenting is hard, parenting in 2020 is horrendous. Don't feel guilty, but if you can, reach out to family and friends for some real life support. 💐

Oh love. Everyone snaps- and well done for going to the other room and calming down. Letting him cry for a minute isn’t going to damage him!

Have you got any RL support? Other mins to meet up with, family?

Weaning is a total ball ache. They will eat when they are hungry, just keep offering food and if he’s having milk don’t stress. Weaning is about trying the flavours and textures. Give him a spoon to use and you have a spoon too. Give a couple of sticks of veg, maybe afew little cheerio type things and some mashed up food.

Something you’ve made is good. Something from a jar is good too.

Ha, welcome to normal parenting. Give yourself a break. We're human, not robots. And we put up with a lot of torture with a smile on our faces so the odd 'losing it' is perfectly normal.

Oh you've done brilliantly to get this far

Tbh any new mum who isn't fed up, frustrated and frankly bored senseless in these crazy times is in my mind a saint.

Hug for you.

You didn't "snap" you showed a lot more restraint and patience than many and walked away. That's the best thing you could have done, so don't beat yourself up.

Have you tried him on pouches? Take the strain off cooking from scratch, a few spoons of purée and sit him in the high chair next you whilst you eat and share little bits of finger food with him to play with, take the focus off eating and onto exploring (bonus you get to sit down and eat too).

Crawling isn't a milestone, not all children crawl and mine was over a year old before he did, he has minor coordination problems (now diagnosed as dyspraxia) but is currently doing very well at school so not crawling or walking until late hasn't harmed his development.

Hi, it sounds like your going through a terrible time. I dont have any real advice for you but If it helps its totally normal to have to take a breather every so often and everything sounds normal to me.

Have you got any support from family, friends? Someone who could take ds for a walk and let you have a rest?

As for the food situation, my advice from people was to let them eat what they will eat so if it mashed veggies then that's absolutely brilliant that he's eating and eating healthy aswell, sounds like you are doing a great job with him. Is he OK with othe finger foods? I also don't think crawling at 10 months is behind atall

I remember muttering "shut the fuck up" to my weaning DS1. He's a big 28 year old now, so neither my attempts at weaning nor my colourful language have had any lasting effects.

If you've got to 10 months before you've needed time out to calm down, I'd say you're doing brilliantly.
This!

I think I did my first 'take a minute to calm down in another room' within the first month with both of mine. And I've done it plenty of times since. In fact there have been a few occasions during the toddler years that I wanted to go outside and scream (but didn't because I thought the neighbours would assume I'd gone mad)

Don't feel guilty for finding it stressful, every parent finds it stressful sometimes. It's about how you deal with that feeling and you dealt with it well.

I had a dreadful time weaning ds and he has cmpa.
I very much embraced jars and pouches. They are a totally different texture to home made.
Ask for a referral to the dieticians as they are fantastic and will give you loads of useful help
Ds still eats some jars and pouches at 3.5, he sees certain savoury pouches as a treat.

Thank you so much to all of you for taking the time to reply to me. I've had days where I've got cross but never to little ds face. He then burst into floods of tears. To make matters worse when I popped him on the floor to go to the loo (I have crohns disease which has been terrible recently) he sometimes managed to open a nappy bag and smeared himself in poop.. :( I'll laugh later! My mum is struggling with the loss of my nana and my best friend has Covid 19. I'm trying to keep it together but feel very stressed atm especially being back at work. The dietician we are under is lovely but lots of her advice doesn't make much difference to ds sadly. I have used some jars recently but today ds wouldn't tolerate it in his mouth so had porridge for lunch. I just feel very tearful at the moment and tired in a way I can't describe. X

If you've got to 10 months before you've needed time out to calm down, I'd say you're doing brilliantly

This with absolute bells on.

If he'll only eat his veggies if they are mashed up, mash them up, that's no biggie. I have a 13 yr old that I still have to hide vegetables liquidised in food. Who is telling you that you need to try harder. If it's a professional then I'd be asking to see someone else. That's really not helpful and

It's so sad mums feel under all this pressure to have their children do things at certain times.

Look around you... all these people in the world eating normal food, drinking from cups, moving around on their feet. Did all their mums read every book? They all got there in the end

I did raise my children many years ago but my mantra was very much if they eat it and keep it down it's fine.

What you describe is totally normal and you are doing a fantastic job! I know you awful when you get a bit angry. If it's any consolation my 2 boys are 6 and 11, and I still have a little cry if I lose it (and they are big enough to argue back!)

I know it's easy for us to say, but please don't stress about weaning. He will eat when he's ready. If really smooth jars/pouches are what he will eat, then feed him those and keep offering things from your plate too. He'll get there. My DS1 went through some really fussy phases. He survived for nearly a month on yoghurt, rice cakes and houmous He now eats like a horse and never refuses anything, except cucumber which apparently is the food of the devil.

I've only been a mum for under 4 weeks and I've put my baby down for a minute safely in his crib before when he'd been crying for a long while with colic so I could take a couple of breaths, you recognized that you were finding it difficult and left your baby in a perfectly safe environment to me you sound like a great mum who is doing their best in difficult times.

You’ve lost your nana. You’re grieving. Please don’t make yourself do too much.

What about baby’s dad? Can he pitch in a bit more?

Colic is so horrible and you sound like you are doing brilliantly. I wonder with the weaning if being under a dietician for the milk allergy might make you feel a bit scrutinised about what he is eating? Just a thought. At 10 months it's still a lot about getting used to eating for a lot of babies, so I wouldn't be concerned about porridge for lunch. Try giving pouches for him to smear around and get used to the flavour and texture, and maybe some things that he can hold in his hand, like asparagus spears or toast soldiers so he can get used to the feel of eating that way. But I really wouldn't worry about the eating if he is still having formula. Be kind to yourself.

It's so easy to say with the benefit of hindsight, but everything you are feeling is normal. You have got a lot on your plate, and none of us have the benefit of being able to go to baby groups, or anywhere nice.

And just reading your post I can tell you are doing amazingly. Every parent has moments that they just can't take any more, and occasionally that expresses itself in anger - it's totally normal. (And by the way, you just wait until your baby is a toddler because that is the most frustrating time you can imagine - a battle of wills with someone totally irrational who somehow instinctively knows exactly how to push all your buttons.)

Your baby won't remember you being cross (this is why discipline always has to be immediate isn't it, because they live entirely in the moment) and it won't spoil their impression of you as the best mummy on the planet.

PS, definitely ask your partner for more help! I don't care what hours he works, you are working every single minute you're awake and you need a break. It will do you both good.