‘Fussy’ baby ?

[Daffy20]

Hello just looking for support: my 4 month son is almost constantly irritable. Put him down he cries, goes rigid and planks. The same happens when you change his nappy or clothes. He isn’t content sitting on lap, on sofa anywhere really. Only ever wants to be held on shoulder but he is 8kg so back breaking. He cries when waking, cries after feeding. He cries in pram. His cries can be apoplectic and he gets in a real state. Last week I had to walk back from town with him on shoulder whilst pushing pram. Impossible. He is a good feeder and an alright sleeper at night. He goes off to sleep without too much trouble- wakes every 3-4 hrs in night.

When he is happy he can giggle and laugh particulars likes interacting with facial expression from adults. He loves being tickled. He will go from crying to laughing ro crying again in a minute. No interest in toys. If you put him down in activity centre or on mat he would just lie there then start kicking and crying. Does not want to be left alone.
I am a single parent so finding it really hard. Baby seems miserable quite a lot - even when fed / well slept / fresh nappy etc. Often have to leave baby group early as he tenses , becomes rigid and kicks and screams.

I’m always comparing him to other friends babies who appear content.
What’s happening? Is it just temperament? Is this it now for a few years— just lurching from one meltdown to the next?

Advice please

Firstly, you need to have him checked out to make sure there is nothing wrong with him.
Secondly, it sounds as if you have created a rod for your own back. It sounds as if you pick him up whenever he cries. What would have happened if you had left him in the pram and pushed him home instead of carrying him? Babies have to learn to be on their own. If you know he has been fed and changed, try leaving him on the mat with his toys. You cant spend your life holding him.

Sounds like it could be silent reflux. My DS had silent reflux caused by CMPA. Babies can have reflux with or without allergies. I advise you to look up the symptoms and see if they seem to fit. Then talk to your GP and/or HV. If this has been going on for 5 months I'm surprised you haven't already spoken to them? They can be dismissive so you have to be persistent if you're reasonably confident it's reflux or another problem. Keeping a symptom diary can help make them take you seriously. Also it feels mean but filming them crying.

If you’re having to carry him to comfort him, how about a proper ergonomic baby carrier/sling? I don’t mean for all the time in view of his weight! But for times when you need your hands free and he won’t be put down.

But it sounds as though something isn’t right. How does he feed? He sounds like he’s an excellent weight for his age - any signs of reflux, tummy trouble or anything? The tensing sounds as though he’s in pain. Have you been able to chat to a health visitor, even just over the phone?

My second had reflux and nobody was medically interested as he was a great weight - but it did mean he hated being on his back. He was happier with the buggy raised a little, and with being in something like a Jumperoo or a doughnut cushion at that age. He was also much happier once we started weaning.

Some babies are just grumpy! Others don’t seem to like being babies and are happier once moving. But I would expect more whining if this was the case. The tensing sounds as though something is physically bothering him.

Oh, and don’t feel bad for comforting him. There’s a difference between leaving a well-fed baby to grump briefly while you eat a sandwich or get yourself ready, etc, and leaving a distressed baby to scream.

Also disagree with PP about just leaving a baby under 6 months old to cry
If they hate being put down, a good carrier can be a godsend. And my reflux babies can be quite happy in the bouncer. My first hated lying flat (play mat, nappy changes) and also hated the car seat. My second is happier but that's probably because I realised it was cmpa and cut out dairy straight away, unlike poor DC1 whose reflux and cmpa went undiagnosed for a long time.

I would not leave him in a pram which I am pushing for 20mins when he is visibility in distress. There may be times to get him used to being alone and not held but that was not one of them. I could not ‘leave the room’. I was standing over him in a pram watching him struggle.
No signs of reflux aside from occasionally some milk coming up. But it doesn’t appear to hurt him. When he cries after feeding it’s because there’s no more milk left. I ca tell. As soon as bottle is put away he’s very upset.
For the first three months he had bad colic- which I asked HV help with and now that’s cleared up. Now he just seems irritated.
But once the colic went away it appeared the irritability was still there. He is drooling a lot and sometimes appears to choke on his saliva. Could this be reflux?

Silent reflux means no vomiting. Instead, babies will often cough, and sometimes you can hear stomach gurgling and they might swallow or gulp (this is milk coming back up into their throat). Crying when laid flat, tensing up, and sometimes arching their back are all signs of pain from reflux. There is a helpfully comprehensive list of possible symptoms here:
www.reflux.org.au/information/common-characteristics-of-reflux/

There is a paediatric gastroenterologist who has written an excellent book about infant reflux called "Colic Solved", he argues that there's no such thing as colic and it's a lazy diagnosis. Reflux and other things are commonly dismissed as colic.

@mdh2020

Firstly, you need to have him checked out to make sure there is nothing wrong with him. Secondly, it sounds as if you have created a rod for your own back. It sounds as if you pick him up whenever he cries. What would have happened if you had left him in the pram and pushed him home instead of carrying him? Babies have to learn to be on their own. If you know he has been fed and changed, try leaving him on the mat with his toys. You cant spend your life holding him.

Agree with the advice to get him checked out. Disagree with everything else in this post. Babies do not need to "learn to be on their own" at 4 months old. He's dependent on you for everything including emotional regulation. The only way he will learn to self soothe is by being sufficiently soothed by his carer consistently. All this "rod for your back" shit is from a different era.

Constant sucking can, in my experience, be a sign of reflux - they suck to soothe the burn. If you offer more milk when he’s upset the bottle is empty, does he take it? Do you think he’s still hungry at this point or that he likes sucking? Mine was breastfed but didn’t seem to have an off switch and would feed until it came back out the top end!

Yes DC1 fed a lot for comfort. He always put on plenty of weight!

A dummy can be good for babies with reflux as the sucking comforts them in the same way.

Comforting a child does not make a rod for your own back. This is outdated advice which is disputed by scientific research.

Definitely get him checked out and look but CMPA and other allergy symptoms.

With both my girls I found 4 to 6 months the most difficult, they want to be able to move around but can’t really manage it yet.

If it is reflux, my experience is that it got a lot better after weaning so he may well be more cheerful in a couple of months’ time! Which may not help you get through today but still...

Honestly I was told repeatedly my daughter didn't have reflux but at 4 months we managed to diagnose silent reflux, CMPA and egg allergies. Even with medication it only got so much better, at 9 months when her stomach muscles strengthened it was like it went away overnight (though allergies persisted). I would do a diary of symptoms, milk, nappies, etc, see if you can see a pattern. If you're breastfeeding record your own diet.

Some babies are a bit cranky but discomfort on being put down screams reflux.

I’ve looked at the symptoms and I’m not entirely convinced it is reflux . He gets upset when I lower him to any position that isn’t my shoulder eg putting him down in a chair or bean bag with him sitting upright aswell as putting him down laying on his back. Also he only cries after feeding because the bottle runs out - it seems behavioural rather than physical and he can be comforted out of that cry. The issue seems to be me letting him go from my body rather than laying down per se. My gut tells me he is a high needs baby and I’ve just got to accept that I guess for who he is. But it’s so hard as he demands constant 1:1 engagement which when I’m with him all the time morning noon and night is hard. I just went him to be content in his own bones.

No advice just solidarity!

I have a fussy 4 month old too. I always leave the house with the pram and a sling and nearly always end up putting her in the sling for at least part of the journey. Initially I started like you trying to carry her and push the pram but it was too uncomfortable. The sling is a lifesaver!!

If its any consolation I did read that fussy babies leads to kids that reach milestones earlier once they get older as you have given them so much attention in the early days.
On good days it helps me stay sane on bad days I couldn't care less!

Everything you've written still makes me think it's silent reflux. SR babies like to drink as it soothes their throat when the acid comes up, which is why he might not like the bottle being empty. Does he have a dummy? These can help SR babies. Also SR is regularly misdiagnosed as 'colic'. Colic doesn't really mean anything, it just means baby is crying and it's not clear why.

Do go to the GP. If you are giving formula they can prescribe anti reflux formula which is surely worth a try?

Hi OP this sounds just like my DS was. He was an extremely grumpy baby and spent most of his early months crying. However - he got much better when he learnt to sit, then crawl, then walk and talk - I really think he just hated being a baby! If it makes you feel better he is now the sweetest, most gorgeous, sensitive, kind 3 year old. He's still an emotional boy - but generally in a very gentle way, he's just very in touch with his emotions! I found the first year SO hard. His toddler years were a mixture of great fun and v hard tantrums, but honestly now he's so much easier than most of my friend's 3 year olds! By contrast my second DS was the world's easiest baby - never cried, so settled and content. However, he's now nearly 2 and I am getting a run for my money - he's so much "naughtier" - always on and into everything, and I can't take my eyes off him for a minute! So early behaviour, in my experience, is no indication whatsoever of what they'll be like in a couple of years!!

That said, you have my complete sympathy as I really feel you on how hard it can be with a baby like that.

Solidarity OP. I had one like this and it was helllllllll. Got a bit better around 6 months and a lot better at 8/9 once learned to crawl. Is now a delightful (and very independent!) primary-age child, so they DO grow out of it!

As for PP who asked what would happen if you don’t lift screaming baby out of the pram: in my experience, screaming just went on and on and on. I have had some truly miserable car journeys with a baby who literally screamed to the point of puking and exhaustion, fell asleep, then woke up screaming again ten minutes later.

My baby has silent reflux and would cry for more milk because drinking the milk soothed his reflux. He is a large baby as prior to starting infant gaviscon would over eat to stop the pain of reflux. He also is the happiest when carried over the shoulder. He is rarely sick as he swallows is back. He does often look like he is chewing though.

My son was like this. Having now had another baby who is placid and generally happy, I'm only just realising quite how difficult he was! The main thing that helped was time - he got happier with every milestone, sitting at 6 months and then crawling at about 8 and he was a different baby.

Also be really careful about nap times, as soon as he was tired he was so grumpy and easily overtired.

(I already posted this but it didn't show up, hopefully it won't now appear twice...)

@Daffy20

Hi, I know it’s been a while since you posted but I feel like I could’ve written what you wrote. Every single thing is my DD. She has got silent reflux but the doctors and HV just keep saying we need to wait it out.

I was wondering if it got easier and if you found anything that helped? xx

Hi here’s an update.
It did not turn out to be silent reflux. He did suffer from bad colic for a few months but the biggest change came when he could crawl - he is now 17 months and a very active physical boy. I think he was maybe frustrated in his little immovable body. He’s now a lovely switched on affectionate little boy. He is the ruler of the roost at nursery and ultra confident and always trying new things. Yes there are times when he gets irritable and upset that do remind me of the early days but this is usually now only in association with food. (He wants to eat everything)
I reread my original post and remember how tough it was . Now things are much easier - I think he was too intelligent to be a newborn and realised his limitations ;)
Also think being a single parent meant I experience the full force of his emotions. I would say for all those parents who have a similar ‘fussy’ baby hang on in there. It does get better. Sometime they just need to age into their bodies a bit.

Thanks for the update OP. I've just been trawling the internet for threads like these to give me hope for my six month old. It's good to know that it gets better!