Friends who parent differently

[Mumtoalittlegirl]

Just wondering how everyone deals with this.

I have a friend who just seems to be judgemental and has said a few things that I’ve found quite hurtful which I’m struggling to get past. Don’t know if I’m overreacting!

Basically she was saying how bad my nursery is (it’s not, they’re amazing and my DD has learned so much there). She was saying it in the context of her own child but I felt it was really unnecessary. Her little boy went there for a few weeks and she made no complaints at the time but for a few reasons decided to be a SAHM.

Also, on the flipside I find it hard not to feel judgemental over her parenting too. Although I would never ever say anything to her. Her son barely leaves the house, I’m talking for several days on end (I live near her- I’m not a stalker I promise). It’s nothing to do with covid/ depression as they were like that before and it’s just how they are but it makes me very uncomfortable that her little girl gets no fresh air.

I feel like it might be better to take a step back from our friendship, which is a shame as we were such good friends before the babies came along.

Anyone had similar/ been in a situation like this with a friend?

She just doesn't sound very nice...knocking the nursery your child attends is just mean.

Maybe she's not who you thought she was?

Unless you can completely avoid conversation about children then you would be better stepping back.
There can be no resolution to this because feelings and opinions can be very strong. Hard to ignore.

I don’t see my sisters because of this. We can’t even agree to disagree so I just don’t see them any more.

Do you think they were aimed at you or do you think you're taking it personally? I don't like our local nursery. Dc1 went there but not dc2. I'm very honest with friends but I don't judge them at all when they send them there. You say that you judge her parenting and I wonder if you feel like you shouldn't be friends and are projecting that?

She’s allowed to think the nursery isn’t very good. Why are you taking it so personally? Also, maybe it’s a European thing but I never heard of the almost obsession with ‘fresh air’ until I moved to England. Anyway, these seem like small nuisances and not worth falling out over.

I've had several friends like this. I think they feel like their parenting choices have to be the right ones and if you do things differently then you are saying they are wrong. I felt some parents were very defensive over what they were doing.

The things that seemed most divisive were the following:-

I breast fed. This must mean I judge and look down on people that don't.
I had a sling. Very clingy baby and it was impossible to do anything on my own.
I didn't use a dummy - we have bad teeth in the family and my baby just spat it out when a relative tried with one they'd bought themselves.
I used washable nappies - for the environment and to save money.

Yep that’s true about the nursery, maybe I was a bit sensitive. It’s hard to explain how the conversation went but it was very hard not to take something like that personally. I mean, if it was the other way round I would have kept my opinions to myself.

@PandemicAtTheDisco yes I agree, actually, the same friend was very vocal that there are no benefits to breastfeeding (she bottlefed, I BF). I would never say anything negative about her choice but it’s like the same thing doesn’t apply the other way round. But it is the kind of thing you don’t want to hear when you’ve BF for a long time and had all the challenges that go with it.

Yep maybe the fresh air thing is my own issue, totally get that. Maybe it is that I’m realising we’re actually just very different people!

To be honest I think it'd b a shame to lose a friendship over small parenting opinions, as long as it doesn't get constant or snipey.

She may not have been judging about the nursery, just saying she didn't like it as a fit for her child? And you're kind of judging her too anyway, even if you're not saying it.

I have an nct friend and we are totally different (so far!) with our babies... I'm breastfeeding and have no routine, she bottle feeds and is very structured. I go out every day, she prefers to stay home. She does full blw, I do a mix. We just do what works for us and let the other get on with it though? We still have tons of similar notes to compare! Neither sleeps well, they started crawling etc about the same time. It's good to hear different perspectives sometimes.

If you don’t want to be friends any more you don’t have to be. I have friends with different styles who don’t judge and that’s all been fine, but I wouldn’t want to feel judged by a friend.

Do you have plenty of other friends?

I completely agree that children should get fresh air and would be uncomfortable if a child was always inside. Perhaps she has a big garden and is outside a lot?

Sounds like your taking it to heart or she is very comfortable around you and able to express her opinions even if they don’t match yours with no harm done, a bit like sisters do.

However if you think this has a mean streak behind it or she is being personal then that’s over the line and you would be better off without her.

I wouldn’t loose a friendship over it- in more time she will see that people do things differently and that’s completely normal

@MissBPotter

If you don’t want to be friends any more you don’t have to be. I have friends with different styles who don’t judge and that’s all been fine, but I wouldn’t want to feel judged by a friend.

Do you have plenty of other friends?

I completely agree that children should get fresh air and would be uncomfortable if a child was always inside. Perhaps she has a big garden and is outside a lot?

Nope never ever in the garden either unfortunately- that’s what makes me feel weird about it!

Yeah, I have some lovely Mums friends and never had any competitiveness or comments.

I do agree it would be a shame to waste a friendship over little things though, so maybe I need to relax a bit. Or at least stand up for myself and just ask her not to say it. I don’t think she does it on purpose, and it isn’t often. But as a working Mum I think those nursery comments really got to me as DD does spend a lot of time there.

Sounds like your taking it to heart or she is very comfortable around you and able to express her opinions even if they don’t match yours with no harm done, a bit like sisters do.

This is a good comment and more what I’m leaning towards. Thank you.

I have many friends who parent somewhat differently to me. Some are stricter, some let things go that I would pick up on. I don't judge any of them.

Some of it is about the child. DS is a very sweet child but he's full of curiosity and mischief and has a very long "range". So I have to be more stern and shouty with him sometimes then my good friend with her little girl who always holds hands nicely and never leaves her side. Similarly, he wants to play with every child he comes across whereas she is more comfortable staying close to mum (though she plays with me, which makes me feel honoured ). As a result, I have to do more "helicopter parenting" to make sure he is interacting appropriately and nicely with other children (taking turns, no pushing, no shoving, watching out for smaller ones).

She doesn't judge my parenting and I don't judge hers. We are both parenting the child we were given. The only thing I would say is that little ones have so much energy, it's not great if they're cooped up inside all day (for either their behaviour or their health).

I have a friend who parents very differently - but we just roll with it. Kids get full sugar if we are my house. Kids get full sweetners, minimal sugar at her house.
There were some places we didnt meet when the kids were little, because our styles about freedoms caused issues. So we met up at places where we were both happy. But we both just accepted that things would be different.

The friend who parented differently, and criticised my ways? I'm no longer in contact with.

IMO it's not having different preferences, its forcing those preferences onto others that causes the issues.

I find this quite tricky now DD is pre school age particularly around discipline. I try my best to just be confident in my own decisions and do my part I’m not judging other peoples parenting. I think we all do it a bit but none of us know if we’re doing it right and none of us have all the answers. I’ve realised since having my second baby that you might think you know the “right” way to do things because it worked so well for your child but then with another child it just doesn’t work and that helps me a bit more with parents who I think are judging my parenting

Also I very much agree about @InTheLongGrass that it’s the forcing the preferences that causes the issues.
I also wanted to thank @MessAllOver as you’ve just described exactly how I feel about parenting by saying about parenting the child we’re given.