Missing my first child

[PSL1990]

I'm a SAHM of an 8 month old and a 2 year old. My baby can be tricky.... he is unsettled and very clingy, he's in my arms nearly all day. Some days, despite trying trying to make it more even, the baby is getting 80/90% of my attention. My toddler then gets fed up and starts to play up and then I end up telling him off for something! I feel like I'm not spending any quality time with my toddler. Weekends are really my only time for 1 on 1 time with him when my husband can look after that baby but come the weekend I'm absolutely shattered from the week and feel what I'm giving the toddler is second rate. I've noticed my toddler now asks for daddy more than mummy as he just assumes I'm dealing with the baby. I miss time with my first baby so much and the relationship we had. I think about it at the end of everyday! Has anyone else experienced this?

Why isn’t your husband doing more with the baby during the week?

He works full time. We get up together, have breakfast as a family. He has them both in the playroom whilst I get showered then I take them and he goes to work. He gets finishes at 5.30pm and we are straight into our dinner, bath and bed routine. The baby is exclusively breastfed so we don't share feeding. What else can he do during the week?!

I'm guessing her husband works during the week?

OP I'm in a similar boat with a 2 year old and a 4 month old. My husband works 6 days a week and long hours so it's tough. The only way I cope is to have the toddler in nursery 3 days a week (can't really afford it on my mat pay and means dipping into savings but worth it for sanity!) so I can give the baby my full attention on those days, and then feel less guilty about practically ignoring the baby on the other 3 days when I have both. Then on Sundays my husband and I are both around and that's so nice. I don't know if some sort of occasional childcare is an option for you - or maybe even to get someone to look after the baby for a morning a week or something so you can have some quality time with the toddler? I agree it's really hard and I have no easy (or cheap!!) solution. I must admit though that my baby is an easy one although I do know what it's like to have a tough one as my toddler was a nightmare as a baby! I guess I'm lucky I had them this way round. I know everyone's probably suggested this but does the baby take well to a sling? Can you carry the baby in a sling while on a walk with your toddler? I know it's not the same as 1-1 time...

@surreygirl1987 thanks! The baby carrier would solve a lot of this, definitely! But my baby weighs over 10kg and when I have him in the sling for any length of time it aggravates the pelvic girdle pain I got during pregnancy. Things are better outside of lockdown, my mum will come over and look after the baby whilst I do something fun with the toddler but like you said and what @LouiseTrees didn't understand is that my husband can't do much to help during the week. My baby is definitely higher maintenance than my toddler was, I really can't put him down for a minute without him shouting to be picked back up!

Oh that's really tricky... PGP is no joke! Yeh all I can really suggest is some sort of childminder arrangement I'm afraid or even just someone willing to come over once a week for s few hours to entertain the baby while you focus on the toddler. I do sympathise. The mum guilt is so real!

Some suggestions. Husband makes dinner or you do a microwave one and feeds baby solids. You focus while attention on 2 year old at that time. Even just a couple of days a week. Husband does baby’s bath while you spend time with toddler upstairs. You do toddler bath alone.

It will honestly get better, just do your best to get through this tricky time. You only have to be good enough not perfect. I'm sure you are lovely with your toddler as much as you can.

Could your mum take the baby for a walk to give you a bit of one to one time at home with your eldest? I think that would be allowed as part of a childcare bubble, if you don't already have one? Or your mum watch baby at home (yours or hers) whilst you go out with the toddler?

With a carrier, I find a back-carry by far the most comfortable with a bigger child, but I'm not dealing with PGP specifically, so not sure if it would help you.

My DD is school age so not exactly the same situation but we have dinner together then OH will take baby (8 month old) and entertain/bath/get him ready for bed. This means me and DD get time to do stuff just the two of us, especially as she has been at school all day. We usually do some cooking/colouring together then I do reading and bed with her too. If your breastfeeding it might making timing a bit harder but if he has recently had solids I am assuming he will be ok to hold off the feed whilst you do your eldest play/bath/bedtime routine?