Half siblings

[marsden2008]

Hi just wanted people advise really my ex husband was abusive to me for years we finally split up as he got that violent i had to ring police and he was arrested and charged at the time we had 2 kids aged 1 and 3 and my ex had a child with someone else he was 5 at the time. After we broke up he still threatened me but didnt want anything to do with the kids fast forward to now he has not had any contact with me or the kids for the last 9 years the kids have also not seen their half brother for 9 years also the kids dont really remember anything either and dont really remember their halfbrother. I am with someone else and married the kidsnow have a younger brother with us they regard mh husband and dad and have changed their surname to ours. Today my ex husband son messaged me via facebook and asked if he could see my kids he is now 14 and my kids are 12 and 10 i dont know if i want them to meet as i feel it will bring everything back for them but also will open the gate for their biological dad to get bk in their lives important point is that their halfbrother has always still seen his dad i just feel like scared allover again even at the thought of it but then i dont want my kids to hate me in a few years for not allowing them to meet it just terrifies me thanks

I'd be worried the ex was making his son contact you to get in your life again. Where has he been for the last 9 years?

Yes thats what i was thinking ive no idea where he is but he said he didnt want anything to do with kids to be honest he is not stable and had a problem with drinking and gambling ive no idea if he still does but im just worried it will uproot or unsettle my kids they are both doing great now x

Given that this could be putting you and the DCs at risk I’d delete the message, and block. Make sure your privacy settings are stronger so you can’t be found as easily.

Yes im just worried that when my kids are older they will hate me for not letting them contact their half brother but i feel whilst they are still kids its just not safe it really scares me as it was just horrific time of my life do u think its ok to just ignore the message and just explain to the kids when they are older (adults) the reasons why? Thank you

I would talk to the boys mum to try and work out what role the dad plays in his life now and what their attitude is towards the dad. I think that will help with your decision as if they think you’ve been unfair and the dad is great then that rings alarm bells but if they barely have anything to do with him then it’s a different situation.
You could also suggest that they could all write to each other and send photos but hold off meeting until your boys are a little older. I do think that by saying no without trying to find a more creative way around it that you risk your boys feeling quite resentful when they’re older and didn’t get a chance to form a relationship with their sibling.

As far as i know their step brother still sees his dad but he is still unpredictable i just feel like its going to open the gates for his their biological dad to get contact i feel like what if the kids met and then my kids told their half brother my address just in like conversation snd his dad founc out i know i can say to my kids dont give address but at the end of the day they are kids but i know whst u mean about them being resentful this is what im worried about thanks

I agree with @user1493413286 You need to do everything you can to work out whether this is safe or not and then make your decision. Maybe it will work out and your kids will have their sibling in their lives again, which would be great. Maybe it won’t - but at least your kids will know you did everything you could.

Talk to the boy’s mum first. See where that takes you.

Thank you x

I would also talk to the boys mum and see how you feel after that.
A sibling bond can be incredible, but at the moment they are all strangers to each other. I think you do have to think about the future and how your children will feel if they find out you denied access.
But the most important thing to me is your children's well-being, if you are concerned it might open the floodgates for your ex to get back into their lives, and your sure that will be a bad thing for them then I think you have to ensure your children's well being, and not allow it to happen. But I would talk to the the boys mum first and see if that helps you own way or the other.

It sounds like a teenager reaching out to his siblings, it doesn't hurt to exchange messages. He may no even be in contact with his father!

Your kids are old enough to be told the truth, and to make a decision about supervised contact with their brother - do you want your children to be contacted directly via social media which can easily happen once they have it. Far better to be in a controlled manner via you

Yes thank you i will try and speak to her but i think she will just be bothered about the kids seeing each other to be honest but from my point of view if the kids see each other at some point in the near future the step brother will find out where we live and the thought of my ex knowing where i live just scares me to death as he is so unpredictable in the past he has threatened to fire bomb my house and he actually threw a lit match into my kids bedroom whilst they were asleep 😣

This was all mine years ago so I assume you haven’t spoken to her in nine years? If so you have no idea what she thinks - she may feel exactly the same way as you do.

I spoke to her about 3 years ago as i saw her whilst i was out and she just wants the kids to meet but to her this poses no risk but i just really fear for our safety if my ex found out where we live whilst i can see they are still siblings its just hard