3yo won't play by himself!

[MaizeBlouse]

Hi everyone I'm after some advice or shared experiences please

I have a 3yo DS and a 1yo DS too. Ever since DS1 could "play" he has always wanted me or DP to be with him. Obviously as a baby/toddler this was to be expected but now he is 3 and still he wants us to be his play pal and rarely plays independently. This leaves neither DP or I any time to do anything really, because if one of us is with the baby the other is playing with DS1.

He is a very very active child, with an enormous imagination. Playing with him is like being in the cast of a bloody west end show with him as the director and star of the show. I have to admit that (most of the time) i like playing with him as he is a lot of fun and makes me laugh a lot with the random stuff he comes out with. Sometimes he isn't much fun to play with as he wants it to be done 'his way'. We do not pander to this but he can throw a good strop just like any 3yo.

This predates the birth of DS1 so I don't think it is down to that, though I'm sure it compounds the problem. Also my DP was on furlough for about 5 months during lockdown so we had so much home time with little else to do but play with him, so he obviously has come to expect it.

It is difficult to crush his tiny, directorial dreams when he asks "mummy will you play with me please?" Especially since a lot of the time I have to be with the baby so I do want to have this one on one time with him, especially since he enjoys it so much.

If we say 'I'm just making dinner/eating/tidying up' he usually is patient and says 'okay but afterwards will you play with me?' and then will hover until we are finished and then is overjoyed that its time to play. "Yay! Good job mummy youre all finished! Now let's play that I'm the Italian chef and you're a hungry baby who wants a cake!!!!!!!!"

Should we just say no to him?! I know that when hes a hulking 16yo I won't regret being on the floor with him playing his silly games and thats always at the forefront of my mind. But I hear rumours of these children who sit and play with cars or - gasp - colour in, for hours whilst thier parents get on with stuff. Ds1 has no interest in these types of activities (trust me ive tried!) and wants us to be his play buddy, all the while the washing, tidying, dust, admin piles up whilst I'm pretending to be a mouse whose flown to the moon in a saucepan.

I'd have said my DS1 wouldn't have played much on his own at that age either. Might his toys stand in for you from time to time?

Thanks for responding @BlueChampagne. No the toys won't suffice as a stand in frustratingly. He loves the back and forth he gets from us i think.

Just to add, of course if we sit him in front of the TV or the iPad he could not make a peep for hours and hours but this isn't something we want to encourage too much!

I just think some children are like this.
My eldest DS was, could never play by himself.
Whereas my ds2 would be able to happily entertain himself in an empty room with no one else for company.
It's just down to personality. You can't make them more of what you want them to be. They are just themselves. Individuals with preferences for play.
Allow a little time for him. Maybe set a time and a timer and say you've got 15 minutes, 30 minutes an hour etc. To play with him. After that time he gets the same amount of time to play with dad. After that he can play by himself as you've got to do things.
Soon enough little one will be old enough to be a play mate for him.

That sounds cute but exhausting! I wonder if you could steer him towards small world play. Would some figurines or something where he could re-enact books or tv shows maybe help? My DS will play for extended periods with his wooden train set with Thomas trains on it, so they all have faces, voices and storylines etc.

Thanks @FizzingWhizzbee123, he does like playing with things like this and he has figurines and all sorts but he just wants us there as well to play the other toys. We have a train set too but unfortunately DS2 is at the 'destroy train tracks' phase so we don't get them out thst often, ditto for the marble run.

And yes hopefully in a year or 2 DS2 can join in the playing likenyoy say @NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs. I definitely don't want to change him though, just need 10 mins to do all the other stuff in life!

No idea but I have a 3yo DD who is exactly the same. You’re a better person than me because I loathe playing 95% of the time. I can feel my brain cells dying. I love her, unconditionally... but playing Barbie will send me to an early grave.

But hey, this is why we had another one right? A built in play mate... just another year or so to go 🙃

I think the biggest thing that would help you would be a similarly aged friend coming round (once lockdown is over, or maybe outside if you feel safer that way). I have a son like this and before the virus ruined everything we used to meet up with his cousins and they would disappear together for hours. Same thing happens if a friend comes round. Hopefully play dates will get easier again at some point next year.

At the you can tell them to play x whilst you do the washing up etc. Let him play near you but not with you. A form no, mummy is busy will get through eventually. Try something like junk modelling or homemade play dough. It's good to not interact constantly otherwise your setting them up for problem at school when there's a good few others. A routine of play and set times to entertain himself would help.

My eldest is the same, getting a little bit better now aged 5

I tend to do “Mum will play with you for five minutes and then I need to do x and you can carry on playing by yourself/with teddy”.

I feel terrible but I rue the day I bought that sodding dolls’ house .

My DS was the same. He wouldn't really watch TV either as he only liked some programmes, and as you said, it's not ideal. I never figured out how to make him play by himself, he just started doing it a bit when he was about 6 or 7 I think. It's very hard, OP, you have my sympathy.

Thanks for the replies all.. i am steeling myself for another 3 years of playing with him at this rate ha

Like I said, he isn't a sit down and do play doh kind of child.. i have honestly really really tried to do this with him and he just isn't in to it. In fact he made a little head out of play doh once and named it McJiminy or something and ended up playing with that elsewhere (with me, of course).

He goes to nursery 3 X a week and will be going for 4 days from jan so I'm not worried in terms of him having an expectation of total attention all the time.

Playdates would be good but obvs out of the question for now. Before lockdown (when he was still 2 so not as social) he was a nightmare on playdates and i actuslly stopped them for a while. But we had just moved house and had newborn DS1 so I think he was feeling a bit like his whole world had been turned upside down. But safe to say we had a few playdates that were just awful with him not sharing or listening. Bloody hope he's better behaved now!