Help dinner time becoming unbearable

[Foxycleo]

Hi help.
I have 2 year old who screams and goes into meltdown everytime I bring his dinner up , he throws a fit and won’t even try it , he’s such a fussy eater he will hardly eat anything generally anyway, I find it hard as to what to feed him nosy says and I don’t know what do to at dinners times and why he screams and cries every evening . We try to eat At the table but I end up getting him down coz he’s so hysterical when i try to feed him or if I let him do it himself he just slaps it off the table or out of my hand .
I’ve tried to also feed him on the sofa and have the same issue it’s a meltdown every time .
I don’t know what’s wrong with him , he’s starting hitting the last few months also and even when we tell him no he still does it and tries to slap u In the face . I’m finding it all really hard work and due another baby in March next year! Help!

ah it's so hard.
It is a phase nd will pass.
I would be tempted to put the food down in front of him a nd ignore the behaviour completely.

only acknowledge him for positive behaviour.
what about picnics on the carpet or out and about?

I think at this age it’s more likely to be about control than anything else. So I would put the food on the table but leave his plate empty. Make sure there is something you know he likes out - I’ll put a slice of bread and butter out if I’m worried my youngest will be trouble! She’s almost two and dinner has been hard lately.

So with my daughter it goes like this she’ll say “I don’t like dinner. Yuck” 😂 before she’s even seen it. Then she’ll run through. She’ll have a look. I offer her and put a few bits out for her and then often she’ll eat a decent amount. She just feeds herself.

She was being really hard work - just getting down off her chair and running off. I’ve basically just ignored all of that and when the rest of us have eaten offered her yoghurt / fruit back at the table.

So I think you need to appear supremely unconcerned with the behaviour and take all stress out of meals. I know this is hard but it has improved the situation a bit here!

Put the tv on to distract him until the phase passes.

I think at this age it’s more likely to be about control than anything else. So I would put the food on the table but leave his plate empty. Make sure there is something you know he likes out

I was going to suggest exactly this - food in middle of table, no need to eat if they don't want and let them bring a toy to table.

Dial down all pressure and just eat what you like.

I remember at this age I often gave a grazing tray which was an ice cube tray with loads of different things in it.

Thank you all will try being less concerned
We currently feed him at moment As he still doesn’t use a knife ans fork , unless it’s like a finger food dinner which we don’t have often give to him .
I wondered if he wants to feed himself but usually just throws of off the plate , it’s very stressful indeed but I’m glad it’s not just us!

Just put a small portion of the food down for him and that's the end of it, it's there if he wants it and not if he doesn't. He's playing up because of all the attention/pressure to eat.
No snacks or milk before dinner or alternatives afterwards if he doesn't eat and don't use pudding as a reward.
Stop feeding him, he should be well able to shovel food in to his mouth with a fork/spoon at this age, he needs to keep practicing until he learns. It's on the 2 year check and is something he'll be expected to do well in any childcare/school setting.

My son can be difficult but he loves his yogurt/ custard so often if we explain he has to eat 3 forks of his main he gets his yogurt that works if he doesn't eat it he doesn't get the yogurt. Can take a bit for this to be understood initially but now works on a regular basis or he will just eat

What is he like at breakfast and lunch?? Is it just dinner??

Yes stop chasing him and allowing him to set the rules. Step back and relax instead of turning up the temperature.
Let him help cook. Let him serve himself. Let him make a mess. Let him eat or not. Stop the fussing and labelling. Pop a few finger foods alongside the main course. If your having shepherds pie add vegetable sticks and grated cheese on a plate that he can choose for himself.
Give him a spoon not a knife and fork. Don’t feed him at two; he’s plenty old enough to feed himself.

Does he get given a fork and spoon with his meals for him to have a go?

When he gets down from the table what does he then go and do?

We currently feed him at moment As he still doesn’t use a knife ans fork

Is there any reason for this? His reluctance is more then likely related to his absolute lack of control.

I've had a really fussy eater, extremely fussy so you have my total sympathy.

First you need to stop feeding him and chasing him, he knows that if he screams and rinds off he's getting you into a flap and that's what some two year olds like to do.

Like another poster said, give him a really small portion and just ignore him. If there is someone else at the table chat to them or read a book/newspaper whist you eat your food.

Make sure that he's having no more than 300 mls if full fat cows milk a day and I'd stop any snacks for now, if he refuses a meal and then asks for something later, sit him back at the table and offer som sone of the same meal again.

And never, ever, ever offer an alternative if he refuse a meal.

Is this every meal or just dinner?
I found my 2yo would be so tired at the end of the day he wouldn't eat.

Bad parent but I used to give him a small treat before which perked him up enough and he would eat dinner with almost no drama.

I'd put a small plate of things including something ''sweet'' as I don't encourage a dessert if food has or hasn't been eaten. Something like - a spoon of pasta, a spoon of ragu sauce, a piece of broccoli, 3 orange segments and a spoon of youghurt. I give enough that there's enough safe food to take the stress out of eating, but also scope with appetite to try the 'new' things. I make no fuss of what gets eaten - either praise or encouragement / disappointment. When they say they're done they're done.

Stop trying to feed him. Give him small cutlery but also give him access to finger foods. Small cubes of bread/butter, cubes of cheese, vegetables and fruit, cold meats, pasta etc. Then let him choose what he wants.

I forgot to say that my DD2 hated 'wet' food at that age and would only eat dry finger food. She eats everything now as an adult.

Thank you everyone for your help!
I have been feeding him to avoid mess if I’m honest !
I know that’s more of a selfish reason and it’s not good he doesn’t use a folk or spoon at nearly 2 , we don’t have any dinners that are really finger food dinner so everything is really messy , I think how do u pick up a chicken stew , that kind of thing so just fed him really , but from today I will give him a spoon and let him do it himself .
He always eats breakfast, any cereal and toast with marmite but won’t eat ham or peanut butter , rarely eats any lunch , we would try all sorts , variety of sandwiches or egg bread or scrambled egg which he used to eat but won’t touch them now and hasn’t for a long time, won’t eat fruit of veg unless it’s hidden in something, he always used to eat fruit , the only thing he may eat is a Nutella sandwich at lunchtime and then snacks obviously like biscuits and chocolate, sometimes won’t even eat crisps .
I don’t feel he’s getting any variety with his diet and won’t take vitamins either .
He has a small cows milk in the mornings 5/6 Oz and then one before bed after dinner around 11oz

Sorry it’s mainly dinner he goes hysterical but sometimes lunch too and he starts smacking me for no reason .
We try him up the table to feed him when we eat then I’ve also tried feeding him sitting on the sofa

I have given him cutlery before but he’s never used it just throws it off the high chair so we haven’t bothered since

Do you “scold” him for hitting you?
Is his milk given in a cup?
Mix liquid vitamins into his water/ milk.
Would a child sized table help?
TBH he sounds very babied I’m afraid.

I had a friend with exactly the same issue. She did as others suggested and laid dinner out on the middle of the table, her DS saw everyone helping themselves to the various items and would then reach to take his own. She used to put a lot of pressure on it, but then realised if they're hungry - they will eat something!
He's now 3, but to keep this up she also now gets him to help prepare - where suitable of course (I.e the mash would be ready but then letting him have a go at mashing) so he felt like food was a bit more fun?

Embrace the mess for longer term healthy attitudes. No mess means no learning.
Widen your perspective of what is finger food.
Chicken stew is finger food if you use a slotted spoon to drain off the sauce/gravy. It becomes lumps of chicken and vegetables with a lovely doughy dumpling to play with.
Spaghetti is definitely finger and spoon food.
Fish fingers and peas are finger food.

You do need to let him work through the messy stage as he’s quite late to come to finger food stage and will be left behind with a difficult relationship with food.

Toddlers wash. Kitchen floors and tables wash. Let him learn to enjoy mealtimes. That might mean breaking the negative cycle you’re in by having picnics or eating outside for now. Hope lockdown lifts and you can go to a few child tolerant restaurants soon to give table eating in a new environment.

I was also going to suggest mixing vitamins into his milk. Also let him feed himself and take the pressure off. My youngest hated being spoon fed from the off so it was baby led weaning all the way. It is messy but our table is on tiles so it didn't matter. If your table is on carpet then you could lay a shower curtain or plastic table cloth under his seat to catch the mess.

Make sure there's always something on his plate that you know he likes and is healthy. For my fussy 4yo we always make she she has a few bits of plain pasta on her plate and tomatoes and cucumber which we know she'll eat alongside whatever the rest of us are eating. Sometimes she'll just eat that, sometimes she will try a bit of what we're having but if she doesn't we don't push it. If she wants to get down from the table while we're still eating we let her. I was a fussy eater and remember mealtimes being so stressful for me as a child, I don't want that for my children. It should be a nice family time. My 6yo was the same until she started school and now she'll try anything, sit at the table and eat nicely so it will happen when they're ready. Everything is just a phase but don't make it a battle.

At 2 he's frustrated that he can't feed himself. He won't learn how if he doesn't get the chance to try. Give him blunt tools and chop his dinner up small but looking like a tiny version of yours and let him crack on. If he uses his fingers that's fine. If he gets covered in food that's fine.
You can always clean him off afterwards. Put a mat down to protect the floor but do not wipe him between mouthfuls or make him uncomfortable in any way. Smile and laugh and eat the same foods as him but in bigger bites.

Give him a petit filous with the foil off and a spoon. Sit down beside him and eat a petit filous yourself. Enjoy watching him play. Every bite that goes in is a mini victory for him. He's trying to learn.
At nursery they don't spoon feed 2 year olds. They just let them learn and clear up the mess!

What you are going through at mealtimes sounds so stressful. Release the pressure for you both and try to enjoy him (in spite of the mess).

How did you get on with lunch today OP?

I think I might have glossed over the hitting in my last post. It's much better to sort this out now, long before he is around the new baby.

Have z look at these tips from Dr Sears.

How is is speech and understanding too? There a useful progress checker here.

Sometimes they can become frustrated and start to hit out but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with it

Totally agree with embracing the mess too. You need to think how you are going to cope with a newborn, are you realistically going to be able to feed them both at the same time? Much better to get some long sleeved bibs and out a shower curtain down if mess is an issue for you.

I'm the list of foods you e given he will eat, it seems there is a lot he won't. At this she I really would keep serving a variety and let him get in with it, try not to stress and don't give alternatives. Very few children are going to try a new food if you are anxious and they know that they can get a biscuit or crisps if that let refuse