Fed up mum struggling to be happy for my child

[JennieV88]

Feeling really down and fed up since going back to work full time and my 2 and half yo son is busy having fun with dad while I'm at work and then I'm expected to shop, cook, clean and tidy in the little spare time I have. It's making me miserable and my son I think picks up on this and now chooses me over his dad making me feel even more crap. The only way I'm going to get his attention is pub pretending I'm happy but I don't want to hide the fact I'm sad
I know I'm not the only mum that experiences this... how do I deal with it?!?
My partner is not domesticated at all and never will be, I've tried talking to him but he just gets angry at me :(

You've got a DP problem. Is he a SAHP?

If he is staying at home not working he should do a lot of the cleaning and cooking if you are at work all day.
If he works from home you need to share the housework.

The fact that "he gets angry" at you when you talk try to talk to him about your feelings is a massive issue.

He's chosen to live in a house with his child as part of an adult relationship - that comes with responsibilities including domestic chores so he needs to pick up on those whether he likes it or not.

Tbh I'd be reconsidering this relationship.

@Disappointedkoala

You've got a DP problem. Is he a SAHP?

What's Dp? Depression? And no he works about 6 hour day for about £10k more than my salary (which also annoys me)

@PenguinErector

The fact that "he gets angry" at you when you talk try to talk to him about your feelings is a massive issue.

He's chosen to live in a house with his child as part of an adult relationship - that comes with responsibilities including domestic chores so he needs to pick up on those whether he likes it or not.

Tbh I'd be reconsidering this relationship.

Feel like I'm defending him but he is very good with my son and does have private jobs here and there to get us extra money. He's not be any means lazy, but it's like he thinks I don't deserve to be helped and I'm making a fuss out of nothing. He's a very happy positive person so struggles to understand any emotions. We've been together 13 years and this is our first child. I coped fine before because I only had myself to worry about, now I have to think of my child first but it's so hard to be happy

He's not be any means lazy, but it's like he thinks I don't deserve to be helped and I'm making a fuss out of nothing.

OP, you (and he) are conceiving of this entire thing wrongly. In doing childcare, housework and cooking, he would not be 'helping you out' as if it's somehow all your problem because you have a vagina. He would be contributing half of the necessary work involved in running a household that involves a child.

His work is irrelevant. DH is CEO of a big organisation which is in crisis because of Covid, and still does all the cooking and most of the laundry, and his share of school drop-offs and pick-ups and DS-related stuff. The fact that he has an 'important job' and outearns me doesn't buy him out of any of this stuff.

Probably something to do with his mother doing everything for them as kids and even now..... it's not that he refuses to do it, he just doesn't think about it and it's not important to him.
And his mum does it happy with a smile, which I think he thinks is normal.
I like to make sure there is always fruit in the fridge so DS has something healthy to snack on but another thing my partner doesn't really think about. If he wanted particular food he would go and get it.
He leaves dirty clothes and food/sweet wrappers everywhere because it's not a priority so it doesn't bother him enough to even think about cleaning it up. As a result he just plays and spends time indoors or out with our son being happy.
I think I can be a bit OCD as I can't relax unless the main chores have been done and house is 'fairly' tidy (not an obsessive cleaner)

Was he like this before you had a child with him?

@AnneLovesGilbert

Was he like this before you had a child with him?

Yes :\ I guess I knew what I was getting myself into... I want to stay positive but I'm an emotional person unlike him. I think I need to go and do something with my son without dad.... will never be as fun as him but I have to try

@JennieV88, I think you're (perhaps deliberately, because you are afraid of a confrontation with your husband and what it might mean for your marriage?) coming at this all wrong. You seem to be focusing on being upset because your child sees you as the 'less fun' parent because you're harassed and miserable as you're trying to juggle a FT job with ALL the housework and cooking, while your DH either works or plays with your toddler, because, despite his high-powered job and the responsibility he presumably undertakes there, it has never occurred to him that he should do half of all house-related chores, shopping, cooking etc.

Whether your toddler thinks you're 'fun' or not isn't the problem. What you should be looking at is why your husband is a misogynist who thinks household gruntwork is a woman's problem.

Stopping doing some things.
Shopping, just buy the things your child needs and TELL your husband if he won't shop he won't eat.
Get him a washing basket, just dump his things in it.
Same for the mess, a box each with a lid, grab his crap and let it pile up in his box.
Once he sees his mess and gets angry, tell him not your problem, then WALK away, go to the loo, and count to ten.

If you're both working you need to split the household tasks together. If you place an online grocery order on a Sunday and meal plan together, he does a top up shop later in the week.

Can you carve out time with your child on a sat /sun morning as special time you two have together to go and do something nice. Even if it's just going to park... Quality time.

What time do you finish work?

I agree that you have a man problem here.

Some practical help for you though.

Together write up a list of all the chores that need to happen on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. Include all the chores you both feel need doing. Don't assign any chores at this stage or discuss who does them at the moment.

Once the list is written, together decide who is responsible for each one. If it helps you can put this somewhere visible for you to tick off when things are done. Responsibility means that he has to also deal the consequences of something not happening. He can outsource any all of of these chores to a paid service if he wants.

Thank you all for reminding me I'm not going mad!!

I will try and do some of these things and try and stay positive. At the end of the day I don't want my DS to feed off my negative emotions, I'm pushing him away from me which obviously doesn't help me or him :(
I finish 6pm mon to fri but providing it's not pissing down with rain am going to take him out with his scooter and see if DP can make a start on dinner

Came home to dinner in the oven :) he obviously agreed with some of my points