Anyone doing life without any help??

[MrsTiggyWrinkle]

Hi everyone! So I guess I’m looking to just get a few things off my chest and for some advice or ideas to help me cope and stay on top of things.

I am a mum to three kids (8,5 and 7 months). My DH works a lot of hours 50-60 a week and mainly from around mid morning until after 9 at night. I don’t live near my family, mine are in another country and my DHs family about 90 mins away, and they still work.

If I’m honest I’m really struggling with life at the moment, I feel exhausted from it all, just general day to day feels like such a slog some times, like I’m walking through treacle or something. I need to find a way to make things easier for myself or to make things “work” if you know what I mean. I know I’m not doing well because for the first time in a few years I am having heart palpitations most days, night panic attacks (two in the last month) and last week had my first migraine in over a year and a half. These are things I know from previous experience are linked to my stress levels and emotional state. To me alarm bells are ringing and I really need to nip this in the bud. I’m not sure what “this” is but I’m pretty sure I’m not coping with the lack of support. My DH leaves on a morning and doesn’t get back until after the kids bed time. I do all day long on my own and I’m so tired of it.

I guess like lost mums and wives I am responsible for absolutely everything near enough. You name it and I probably do it/organise it/take care of it. And with a DH who is gone all day most days and no family, I’m drowning. It’s not that DH takes advantage of me it’s just he doesn’t think to do some things or just assumes I’ve got it covered. I know he works but the mental load is exhausting as well as the physical.

The kids constantly argue and sometimes physically fight, they are fussy eaters so neither is eating their meal on an evening at the moment it’s dire, they constantly come down from being put to bed. It doesn’t sound like a lot but when I’m doing this day in and day out because I have no family and my husband is working, I’m just exhausted. I sometimes feel like running away - I never would - but it’s the relief of escaping.

I haven’t cooked a proper meal in about a week, we’ve had beans on toast, jacket potatoes or soup. My DH is home late so he doesn’t mind, but I don’t think I have the time or energy to cook even if he wanted me to. I just feel like our whole life is going down hill...

My 5 year old will be at school next year and I’ll be so glad for the break. Baby has stopped napping well so I hardly get any down time unless I’m driving around in the car. Today Baby napped 30 mins, I’m exhausted.

Any one got any tips for surviving this moment in time?? Like how to deal with fussy eaters?? How to survive so much time on my own? Has anyone else managed without any family help??

Thanks

Yes. I've done it on my own since the dcs are tiny.
Organisation is absolutely vital. Choose what matters and let the rest go.

Could you hire a mother's help for say 3 hours in the evening to help you out? You are right in a tough stage of a weaning baby so it might only be for a fixed period.

I think you need more support so if you can pay for some, it will be worth it.

Does your husband need to do those hours or is he avoiding the slog of childcare?

Will you be returning to work after Mat leave so you retain independence and he can't keep loading all the domestic work on you?

At times I have thought DH might be avoiding the toughest parts of the day - oh to walk out on a morning and come home to a quiet house at night. I haven’t done that for years. I am a SAHM and don’t work so I do most of the domestic stuff. He has an ongoing medical problem and he’s waiting for surgery, he says the morning shifts are too physical for him which I do believe, but I also think there’s perks to missing that 5-7.30pm slot at home...

I don’t know if I can hire help. I will need to look into what’s out there but we don’t have a lot of spare money. I had thought about a cleaner a few times a week... might help to lighten the load, but the house can be so messy some times.

In which ways can I be more organised? Can you give me some examples? Thanks

@MrsTiggyWrinkle

At times I have thought DH might be avoiding the toughest parts of the day - oh to walk out on a morning and come home to a quiet house at night. I haven’t done that for years. I am a SAHM and don’t work so I do most of the domestic stuff. He has an ongoing medical problem and he’s waiting for surgery, he says the morning shifts are too physical for him which I do believe, but I also think there’s perks to missing that 5-7.30pm slot at home...

I don’t know if I can hire help. I will need to look into what’s out there but we don’t have a lot of spare money. I had thought about a cleaner a few times a week... might help to lighten the load, but the house can be so messy some times.

In which ways can I be more organised? Can you give me some examples? Thanks

Plan meals so you know what you are cooking each night or use a meal ingredients delivery services, make sure laundry is done on Saturday morning or whatever day works for you. Have enough uniform for clean each day so no mid week washing.

I bought a slow cooker to organise the main meal at lunch time when things are calmer and I am less tired. But my children don’t eat any of the news... my 8 year old is down to about 6 foods that get the ok.

Does he work weekends? If not, that’s the time he needs to step up and take over so that you can also walk out of the door unencumbered and come back after a nice walk to a clean, calm house.

Does he know / care how much you’re struggling?

I have started online food shopping and I was finding e food shopping another impossible task. My 8 year old is very fussy, my 5 year old is better though. I’ll try a meal planner and see how we go, but I will need to make two lots of food I recon.

I felt like this for years, and the feeling returned over lockdown when trying to work and homeschool!

What I wished I had done was to book in some time at the weekend that is just for me to do whatever I want without being disturbed. So maybe two hours on a Saturday afternoon or whenever works for you, where you can go for a walk, have a nap, watch mindless TV, have a bath, read a book, whatever you like. But your DH has to respect that as time that is for you and not to keep interrupting you with questions etc.

It took me a while to establish and, stupidly, I felt really guilty about it at first but looking back I think I might have had a mental breakdown without it.

I have talked to my DH about how I am feeling but nothing changes, we just get up the next day and do it all over again. I think he doesn’t know what to say or do. I have said I feel like his house keeper and not his wife... I am a house keeper and child minded for him while he works.

His days off vary week to week, i definitely need some of my own time, even just a few hours. I feel so thinly spread. This feeling seems to come and go in waves, I feel overwhelmed at the moment, like it’s all just too much for one person some times.

Let go of the annoyance that your kids don't eat meals. I serve up a home cooked meal, if they don't like it they don't eat it. I don't provide anything else. It takes time but they soon get over it and start eating the food you give them.

Meal plan. 7 meals. Get all the ingredients and stick to the plan.

On a Friday after school wash all school clothes.

Saturday morning wash all work clothes.

Sunday wash bedding

Mid week wash of normal clothes.

Sunday night bath/shower kids. Tidy bedrooms then vaccum. Make beds.

Every evening. Wash up. Wipe down sides. Sweep floor.

Every evening. Lay out clothes for the next day and make lunch boxes.

Every evening--all toys away.

Every evening. Lay out breakfast stuff for the next day. 3 bowls, 3 spoons, cereal packets.

Every morning. Wash up breakfast stuff. Wipe down table.

Every day. Sort out washing. Putting it away or re hanging on the line or tumble dryer whatever you normally do. Just keep rotating that washing to get it dry and put away.

Monday- clean kitchen, all washing up done, all put away. Tidy all areas with paperwork etc. Clean fridge. Sweep and mop floor. Make sure all sides are clear and clean.

Tuesday- clean and tidy living room. Hoover and dust. Move furniture to clean. Put everything away. Leave nothing untouched.

Wednesday- hoover and dust hallways and stairs. Sort out shoes and coats.

Thursday--deep clean bathroom.

Friday--any other deep cleaning/sorting you can think of.

I think many many people are struggling st the moment, so don't feel alone in that. I can't imagine what it's like in yr situation esp with a baby at the moment.

I have fussy eaters. I sat down and listed everything that they will eat, then set out a list of what meals what nights, trying to at least ensure variety over the week. Lose the guilt about them having (eg) some form of pasta 4 nights a week. It is what it is. It'll likely change in 6 months- a year. Then the list becomes a rule and you just follow it and that's a whole load of stress and time wasting gone.

If yr DH isn't really hearing you that's more worrying. Will he take the kids at the weekend so you can have some time to yourself?

I have 4 kids and was a SAHM for a while. I struggled at first until I approached it like work and had set routines. So meal plan on a 2 week basis, online shop same day every week, change sheets/towels/washing routines, kids reading/homework etc etc and into that I planned go to playground/walks etc and me time (eg a nice bath/book 2 x a week etc). The structure worked for me - kept me sane. As regards fussy eaters- if they didn’t eat they didn’t get food until the next meal. I don’t ever make 2 lots of food now. No time. But keep a back up in the freezer. With 6 people you can’t please everyone as people prefer different meals but if the kids know what days are their favourite meals they somehow find that easier to cope with.

@MrsTiggyWrinkle

I have started online food shopping and I was finding e food shopping another impossible task. My 8 year old is very fussy, my 5 year old is better though. I’ll try a meal planner and see how we go, but I will need to make two lots of food I recon.

God no, don't start doing two lots of food. Dinner is X and X is what they get. Unless they have specific food issues relating to autism they get what they are given.

So your DH isn't not willing to make changes...what is he doing in the mornings when he is not working? Does he help then?

Honestly, you need to go back to work. He won't value your role until you do. Even if you're just working to pay childcare, it will be worth it. You sound exhausted and like you're losing yourself.

Oh I did do life without help as you ask - but that's because my husband died before my second child was born. Yours doesn't have that excuse.

Six years later I have a new partner that does half despite running a school in a pandemic...

Are you home during the day? If so, get it done then. A 8 & 5 year old are old enough to tidy up the messes they make to some extent, so you should be able to keep on top of the general chaos. A 7 month old doesn't make much mess.

When is your dh home and what does he do? We have no help (don't live near family and are generally NC with most of them anyway). Dh works probably at least 50 hours a week and I work full time as well. When we are home, we plow through the tasks that need doing. If your dh is home until mid-morning, then he can easily help the dc get up and get ready for school, put the dishwasher on in the morning, put the wash in or hang it up from the night before before he walks out the door. Or similarly, he can do the same when he walks in the door at night. Does he have commuting time he can use to get tasks done?

I used to work his hours to an extent - I was out the door by 6am and home usually 7-8pm, 3 days a week (other days I worked normal hours wfh, and we both worked in the evenings from home). I still sorted the washing and the dishwasher when I got home, or I'd lay out dc's school stuff to make it easier for dh before I left for the train. I had a long commute so I did meal planning and ordering online shopping on the train. There is no reason he can't do these things too.

Beyond that, could he adjust his hours to work flexibly so it fits better with family life? An early start and home earlier is usually a lot easier on everyone. So starting at 7am and home by 6pm? Unless he is locked into a specific shift pattern, most employers are keen on flexibly working these days.

Otherwise, you need to plan in downtime. If he isn't home much, then when he is, he does everything and you get time to rest and take care of yourself. When I didn't get home until 8pm, I often took over bath and bedtime so dh could just get caught up on anything else...or sit down...because he'd been doing all the parenting since everyone woke up. On the weekends, he should be more hands on and you can take time for yourself, sleep, exercise, read a book.

Beyond that, simplifying meal times really helped. I was usually only working massively long days a few days a week, but on those days, we planned healthy but simple meals that dh could easily cook without too much faff while keeping an eye on dc. There are no separate meals, nothing special for anyone who is being picky, one meal, everyone eats it or else they don't eat anything else. We had nicer more elaborate meals on the weekends or days when we could both be home. And cooking extra to freeze or eat as leftovers helped too.

I see you. Similar position here - just me and DH juggling kids and work without any help. All that 'you need to find your village' crap is unhelpful bollocks. Some people just don't have a ready made 'village' and can't afford to pay for one. It's an awful trope that I wish would do one in social media because it does absolutely nothing for the self esteem of mums like you who have no options but to struggle on.

I definitely think you are not alone in feeling like this. Sometimes it all feels like a huge slog. You would be better off at work really which might wake your DH up a bit!

What are the 6 foods your 8 year old will eat? We might be able to help put some meal ideas together around those things.

Definitely keep it simple at the moment and be super kind to yourself. When I feel totally overwhelmed (and this makes me sound insane ) I speak to myself like a child. I say come on Sandy, you can do this, let’s just get one child dressed first of all and then I say well done Sandy when I’ve achieved a task. Ha ha makes me laugh saying it but it does really help.

Keep meals super simple, cut corners where you can, just get through this dismal winter. Things will be so much easier in the spring

Im a sahm and have zero family help, but my DH pulls his weight. I only have 2 kids age 3 and 5, but I definitely couldn’t cope with a third.

What does DH do on a morning? Mine doesn’t start work til 9 so he gets them up breakfasted and dressed most mornings (early mornings are my exercise time now that DD sleeps all night. But I used to lie in before that) and he usually takes the toddler to preschool on her days so I’m not rushing with 2 drop offs.

Evening he usually gets home right as we eat dinner at 6 or 6.30. And then he always does one kids bedtime. Sometimes both, depending on if I’m busy with cleaning the kitchen etc. I do all the cooking and cleaning. My 5 year old is at school, but not full time due to covid so I’m in charge of all his online learning which is not fun.

Weekends we give each other a break of a few hours and also do a mix of family activities and taking one kid each. I won’t say I don’t find it tiring and my house is not the most tidy, but the main things are done and I also get some time to myself.

Does your 5 year old go to nursery? Some time with just the baby you could get stuff done? Can you afford a cleaner or a babysitter? You have 3 kids, your DH needs to step up

You are not alone. I honestly feel the same way I have a 11 year old with additional needs a 6 year old and a 9 month old and I am drowning too. That's honestly how I feel. It's so overwhelming I just dont know what to do first or next.

I do try, I meal plan, I do washing every day and hoover and I keep up to date with everything but it's all a struggle. My husband does help but he gets very stressed and it doesn't help my 2 eldest have had another 2 weeks off of school again! More homeschooling which was a nightmare. The baby doesn't sleep either! It's just so stressful. Big hugs to you. Feel free to message x