Toddler hitting newborn

[MummaBear4321]

I have a 12 day old and a DD who is turning 2 on Friday. We have love bombed the toddler since the newborn arrived, and as we are both home we are spending lots of time sitting with her playing, reading etc. We have tried to keep the newborn arriving low key and show her that the newborn hasn't changed life. But, DD hit the terrible 2 tantrum phase about 2 months ago, and her frustration levels can be shocking. She is now grabbing the newborns hand, holding on like a death grip and when we peel her off the newborn (who is screaming as she is clearly hurt) the toddler responds with hitting the newborn. We then put her in time out on the stairs, then make her come in and apologise, but honestly, she sits waiting for us to come out, no tears, no tantrums, she couldn't care less. She does it again a few hours later. We are actually nervous of what she is going yo do everytime she touches the baby. This is on top of 30+ tantrums a day, her lying on the floor kicking and screaming for every little thing. We never give in. We never distract her. We never indulge it. She just keeps doing it.

Honestly I dont know what to do. I am at the point of severely disliking my own child because she is physically hurting my baby. I can feel my anger building and building towards her. She is a nightmare to be around, and every 3 minutes it's another battle.

Hit me with your behaviour management tips. How do I react to her bad behaviour, especially towards the baby, that discourages it and shows her this is unacceptable. I need to do something. I cant just ignore it.

@Quartz that's my question basically. What battles do I pick, and how do I react to that battle? She is pushing and testing so much, from the throwing things randomly to throwing herself on the floor because I said 'no' to turning on the tv, to hitting the baby because I told her she cant stick her finger in the babys mouth. I feel like I am constantly questioning whether how I react is going to make it worse. It's like I suddenly have no confidence in how I deal with her, but to be honest she has NEVER acted like this before. I dont want to ignore it as to me that's just teaching her she can behave badly. Surely she does need to know or be told by me that what she is doing is wrong. I just dont know how to tell her that. My usual tactic of time out to calm down or just walking away and refusing to give her what she wants isnt helping.

Firstly you need to keep your baby safe. This means as others have said that toddler has no contact with baby for now. Secondly, why don't you distract her? Distraction is absolutely key! She's not choosing to strop and if you give her something else to take her mind off of it her behaviour will improve. Distract everytime if you can, try and make the environment a happy, fun, positive one. Good luck.

Anything safety related is a definite no - particularly anything that is easily explained as a boundary that exists

Things like switching the tv on - why a no, why is this wrong? She is trying to learn independence and find a voice - allow her to do this within reason

She is figuring out the world around her and needs clearly defined consistent boundaries - especially around her baby sister

Actually you might find some techniques in 'how to talk so little kids will listen' and ' siblings without rivalry'.
My ds was 2yo when his brother was born. He would smack him on the head or try to launch him out of the baby seat. So I didn't leave them alone ever. Baby came with me everywhere.
I showed ds a better way of interacting with the baby. So baby likes his feet tickling, see it makes him giggle. Using gentle hands, etc.
Also talk to her how baby is her very own special baby sister and no-one else's. Really emphasis baby is hers.
2yo are really still babies themselves no matter how much bigger they look compared to a
newborn.
The tantrums I think you could head a lot off by being less confrontational.
Try to stop using the word no.
Sounds ridiculous but it works. 2yo are very easily distracted so if she is throwing toys, redirect to a soft ball onto the sofa only. Or get out a puzzle to do with her.
If she is thumping the TV, move her away to safety and find her a different toy or activity.
The more attention you make of undesirable behavior the more they will do it.
Time outs don't work on 2yos. They just don't have the development level. Really they don't work much for any children.
Make tidy up time fun and a game eg who can put the most red toys in the box, the quickest. Dont make it a chore.
In fact all things should be a game.
Getting dressed, let her chose from 2/3 outfits. Put her trousers on her head and ask if its the right way.
Lots of ideas in the books mentioned above.
It sounds like you expect too much from her. These things come with time and maturity. Dont make everything a battle.
Hope some of this helps to calm your life down.
BTW my 2 ds a 6 and 4 and eat of friends.

I remember this well with mine. oldest was 21 months when I had my newborn. I couldn't leave him alone for a second as he would attack the baby. One time he went to kiss him and hit his head, if I needed to put newborn down on changing mat and just turn away to get a happy oldest would hit/ throw an object. I remember whenever I bathed newborn the oldest would find a toy to throw at his head. it was awfully hard work and I felt like you I started to dislike my oldest. it was this way until the newborn was around 12 months or so they are now 7 and 5 and best of friends and the oldest has turned into a lovely child (thank god)

*best of friends not eat of friends.

I’d probably go for ‘time in’ over ‘time out’ - she’s already feeling confused and left out, which is why she’s acting out. Reaffirm her place in the family, show her how loved she is. It’s really hard for them when suddenly they’re not the sole focus of your attention.

@TheMandalorian and @winetime89 you guys have made me feel so much better. I think I have genuinely been worried this week that my child is some sort of nightmare psychopath and I have caused it. It's good to know that we are not the only ones with this issue. I think you are right that I need to try distracting, and I need to make more of a game of everything. I also need to lower my standards and give in to some things, and basically focus on the big stuff for the minute. I will look at getting those books tonight and give them a read. Thank you for your suggestions

Its pretty overwhelming having a newborn and 2yo. I barely remember those days now. Make sure you take lots of photos.
I still have to take a parenting time out to remember better techniques rather than just shouting at my kids in frustration. My 4yo has just started school and is being very testing at home with me and dh. But my 6yo went through the same thing. Letting themselves go once home from school. Pushing all the boundaries including jumping into the road when told not to.
They're great though.