I can't get the hang of being a mum

[sophie269]

I just feel so horrendous. Why can't I work out how to be a good mum. My 3 month old is sooo unhappy all the time and I used to think it was just him but it's because I just can't work out what he wants. I can't tell the difference between his tired cry and his hungry cry, which ever other mum seems to be able to do. He never ever sleeps well. I try so hard to get him to nap but he doesn't, I think it must be something I'm doing. I can't work out how much sleep he needs. No one ever wants to come and see him either because his always so unhappy because I can't get it right. Feel so bad for him as we never get invited anywhere with my friends and there babys.

Hi @sophie269 please don’t be so hard on yourself, parenting is so hard. Have you tried the huckleberry app? That’s what got me through some tough times. It optimises your babies nap times and you can also log when baby was last fed so it may then give you an indication of wether he’s hungry or tired by looking at the app for guidance.

Honestly don’t feel bad; this is completely normal. I’ve got 2 children and I still don’t feel I’ve got the hang of it and at 3 months I had no idea what either of my children wanted. My youngest is 8 months and with both babies I never really got into much of a routine until 6 months. I also think that the cry thing is a bit of a myth as I could only say that my baby was tired or hungry based on what they were due as part of their routine and at 3 months I definitely didn’t know.
Try not to compare yourself to other mums; some babies are just tricky and particularly whingey. They grow out of it and those mums with easy babies with have a harder time at a different stage.
Have you spoken to your health visitor to try and sound it out to see what they suggest?

Also I recommend the huckleberry app too as it helps to see your patterns across the day and see what works:

Hang in there. Lots and lots of fresh air!

Why don't you tell us a bit about a typical day?
The only way I told the difference between a hungry cry and a tired cry was by first offering milk! And if they didn't want that I tried sleep. Well probably checked his nappy first
If your baby is fed and growing and cuddled you are not doing a bad job.

Not popular here, but I felt the same and a friend gave me Gina Ford. It saved my sanity. She gives you a detailed routine for the age of the baby. I felt like I’d found my baby’s instruction manual .

It is quite ridged and as I felt more confident I began to adapt the routine to suit our days, but (IMO) it is great if you’re struggling.

Neither can I and my eldest has left home

I don't mean to be flippant, but genuinely there are lots of us who don't know what we're doing half the time.

The main thing is it is clear you really care about your baby - that's what really matters and they'll feel that.

Maybe he's a baby who changes his mind every day? Make yourself a cup.of tea, just say 'sod it' and try again

My boy is 15 months now and honestly at 10 months I remember thinking that I still couldn't tell what cry meant what!
I usually try the thing that happened the longest time ago so if he'd eaten then slept then nappy changed and became fussy I would start with food again.

In the nicest possible way it’s not you it’s him. Some babies have colic, gas pains, sleeping difficulties, etc. Their little body’s are brand new and there are teething problems.
Sometimes all you can do is be there with them to smooth the way as much as possible.

My DD used to scream randomly, could never figure out what she wanted. I think it took until around 5 months where I sort of felt like I got the hang of parenting and in to a decent routine, then she started weaning and it all went tits up again ha, she's 11 months now and I think I'm finally doing ok. As long as they're fed, clean bum, somewhere to sleep, then you're doing a fab job OP, don't beat yourself up. You're not alone in feeling like you don't know what you're doing, remember you're doing your best, there's no instruction manual with babies x

Oh goodness I thought I would poke the eyes out of the next relative who said ‘oh that’s a hungry/tired cry’ . My boy would always take the boob. He had a severe lip tie that we didnt find until his first trip to the dentist. He was probably doubled over in gas pain from not flanging his lips and suckling properly.

I weaned on yo basic purée solids at 20 weeks (not what I thought I would do) Andy 6 months we were in a much better place. Sorry you probably don’t want to hear that but cut yourself some slack, roll with the next few weeks and it will get better x

OP, I never knew what the different cries were supposed to sound like, they all sounded the same to me.I just kept trying different things until she stopped! DD is now a happy, healthy and well-adjusted teenager, so it clearly didn't do her any harm!

I'm sure you're a great mum, and it won't be anything that you're doing wrong that is making him a bit grumpy. A lack of sleep could definitely be contributing to that, though, so it would be worth trying different strategies to tackle that. You will find lots of advice on here if you need it, or your GP might be able to refer you to a specialist if it's really bad.

Please don't beat yourself up about it though. All children are different, and it probably isn't anything that you're doing/not doing. You sound like a lovely, caring mum who is trying to do the best for her little boy.

Don’t be so hard on yourself! Absolutely no one can understand a 3 month old baby. They are all enigmas wrapped in a riddle.

That said, if a baby is always unhappy there is almost always an underlying (but usually solvable) issue. Could it be reflux? How is the weight gain and are nappies as expected?

Stop comparing yourself. A baby crying is just it's way of communicating with you.
When the crying starts work through the list Nappy, hungry, sleepy, etc. If it's none of those just accept that the baby probably doesn't even know what they want. Do you have a sling? Admittedly my 4 month old hardly ever cried, but she would settle right down in the sling if she was having a bad day, so might be worth a shot!

I disagree with pp about huckleberry though, If your feeling a bit fragile theres nothing worse than that app telling you your baby needs to go to sleep every 90 minutes, it says the same thing whether mine had napped 10 minutes or 2 hours, and then when she didn't want to nap it made me feel like crap cos she wasnt fitting in with the app! It is essentially a guide and I found it worked better for us to work on her cues for tiredness, my little girl plays with her ear when she tried and then I know to put her down, once the eye rubbing starts we struggle as shes usually a bit far gone then..

You'll get there, they are still learning how to communicate with you at this age, and vice versa. My lo is 4 months now and I can suddenly read her a lot better and she is getting better at communicating with me too xx

I have a 3 month old too, almost 4. Still cant work out the cries either! I do it more based on timings, e.g. how long has it been since she last fed, is it long enough that she'll be hungry? How long was it since she last napped, if it's longer than an hour and a half or so she's probably tired? What are you doing to try and get him to sleep? With working out how much sleep he needs, it takes 45 minutes for a full, restorative cycle to be complete. I'd definetely read into baby sleep online, it's helped me a lot to learn about their different cycles etc! I read that an hour and a half of sleep is good for them minimum but sometimes I find occasionally they wake after 45 min and that seems to be enough. I hope that helps!

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I was in the same position when my son was the same age. He refused to be held by anyone but me, would scream in the car and was so colicky; I felt dreadfully isolated. You know so much more than you think you do and I promise it gets better (purposely not saying easier because the challenges just change). My son is now 17 months old but I don’t feel as though I relaxed a bit more into this whole motherhood thing until he was about 8/9 months.
Be kind to yourself, it gets better and before you know it they’re running around the house causing carnage xx

Also, to echo many others yes to Huckleberry!!