Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

I am just being nosy but what do with?

13 replies

KangaMummy · 21/10/2004 23:21

children of divorced parents.

One of DS friends came for tea today, his parents divorced about 1 or 2 years ago. They both live in same town and he goes home to Mum and dad on different nights and weekends.

They are both together at parents nights etc.

DS and his friend are both 9 years. His friend is an only child.

My nosey question is what do they do about clothes and toys etc?

Does he have clothes in both houses? Does he have same toys in both houses? He was telling me about a playstion 2 game that he wanted to buy with his pocket money.

Well does he take it back and forth? So does he have 2 playstations?

He also plays an brass instrument now they have lessons at school on tuesdays How does he do practice? DS is also learning trumpet and practises nearly every day.

He went to school this morning with mum and dad collected him tonight.

He is a very quiet boy and so I didn't want to ask him I don't know the parents well enough to ask them questions about their private lives. IYSWIM.

The parents are quite well off so money may not be a problem as far as toys are concerned.

I am just being nosey about the organisational aspects of it.

I wondered what mumsnetters did in this situation

OP posts:

happygolucky · 22/10/2004 10:08

My ss brings his special things with him, ie his teddy and any other game/toy he wants to.
He has clothes here and a few other essentials. We make sure he has his own drawers and bed space etc.
He has a ps2 at home and my ds has one here so he brings his own games to play here if he wants to or shares with ds.
If ds wants ss to bring something particular for the weekend, then he asks dh to phone BM/ss to ask her/him to bring it when he visits.

dh and BM are not at all communicative where the children are concerned, they go to parents evenings but not together, they go as individuals and meet up at the allotted time then go their separate ways.

Thankfully, if anything urgent comes up or a visit date needs changing etc. then she phones dh. Otherwise ss's life here is as normal as possible.

MarmaladeSun · 22/10/2004 11:03

I'm amazed that 'children of divorced parents' still attract curiosity TBH. I'm divorced from my first DH, and we now live 150 miles away from him with DH2. DH1 and I are now very good friends, and he and his gf (who caused the marriage break up) come up here quite a lot when DS is playing football. When they go to their Dad's they bring clothes and special toys, and as both homes have PS2 there is no problem there. If they want to bring their scooters/bikes/skates etc they put them in the car when he pickes them up or when I drop them off. I supply their clothes and he returns them washed and dried so I don't have a mountain of washing to look forward to! lol. He doesn't come to parents evenings as he lives a longish way away but I always give him a copy of their reports. It doesn't have to be a complicated situation.

littlerach · 22/10/2004 11:13

My sd and ss stay once a month, and DH visits them once or twice a month. They have some stuff here, again, they bring computer games between the two houses.
We receive a copy of school reports, and DH tries to see their class teacher and room when he can, often when they are in a school play. He also goes to watch them riding or swimming if he can, as he likes to feel involved in their lives where they live.
Ss ihas CP, so if he is in hospital or unwell, DH tries to be involvrd where he can.
We speak to DH's ex, not a lot, but when necessary. She moved when they divorced, so they are now almost 100 miles away. It does become difficult, as she rarely brings them up here, DH has to go and fetch them, and take them back afterwards. This is hard for us, as we have DD, 3, and DD 10 weeks, so cuts into all of our time.
The key is to adapt when necessary.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

KangaMummy · 22/10/2004 11:27

Oh dear sorry I never meant to offend anyone I am so sorry

I was just curious or nosey is probably a better word for it.

It is just that I couldn't figure out the day to day workings of the situation,

If he took bags back and forth it would be obvious and there are no extra children on either side.

Once again I didn't want to upset anyone please do not be offended

OP posts:

MarmaladeSun · 22/10/2004 17:03

Kanga Mummy...you didn't offend .It's just that it's so commonplace now that I didn't think of it as anything other than 'normal' I suppose. No offense taken.

hmb · 22/10/2004 17:08

I don't think that it is 'odd' and I realise that lots of people get divorced. However, none of my friends are divorced, and I am at the grand old age of 42. Dhs parents divorced but his father just nobbed off and left them so there was no joint custody or anything like that.

ladymuck · 22/10/2004 17:13

It's interesting I guess. I don't (yet) really know of any children of divorced parents - ds1 is 3 and a half, and we haven't really encountered the situations. We know a couple of single parents, but there is no contact with the father so the question doesn't exist. And in looking through the yearbook for the current reception class at the nearest school I did note that there was only one single parent in the class - no mention of step-dads or mums, so don't know whether there aren't any (possibly not as it is a church school),or whether not mentioned.

So I guess whilst I would view divorce as common, it doesn't seem to be that common within my circle of friends/family etc.

Sorry - rambling a bit. I could understand Marmaladesun's comment, but then when I thought about suddenly realised that I don't seem to know any children of divorced parents.

SofiaAmes · 22/10/2004 22:12

Marmaladesun, I think maybe the curiousity was less about divorced kids in general and more about what happens in a shared care relationship (ie where the child(ren) is/are spending equal amount of time in two households. I think that does have different types of logistics than a situation where the children are mainly with one parent and see the other parent on alternate weekends.

My boss has 50% custody of his 3 children and his ex won't even say hello to him (even though she's the one who left for a guy she met on the internet), but it seems to work relatively well once the initial logistics were overcome. The children have clothes/books/games in both houses. They bring some things back and forth...it seems that they have had to work out over time which types of things these are. I think it's generally special items and things that are too expensive or impractical to own two of. And there are occasional phone calls to the office from the kids saying...I've left this or that at your house/mum's house and I need it for school/practice/etc. can you go and get it for me? This shared custody has been going on for about a year and I've noticed a gradual decrease in those type of calls over the last year, so presumably they are getting the hang of it. Both parents attend all school things (but not together) and the kids get to have two birthday parties (one in each house). Hope that helps a bit.

MarmaladeSun · 22/10/2004 23:01

It certainly makes it a lot easier when the 2 parents are friendly. My divorce was extremely bitter; I divorced him for unreasonable behaviour (including infidelity) as he had been havign an affair and making a real mug of me. The police were involved several times; it was awful. However, we both adore our children and realised that they would be the ones to be most hurt so we managed to grit our teeth and be civil and now we are really good friends...possibly better than before we divorced! Onto the point about there being no mention of step parents in the schoo, year book; I think that there are probably more than you realise, it's just that it's not something that is made a point of. I don't go out of my way to say that DH is the children's step dad...and if he is talking about the children he will say 'my son or my daughter'. The children in my kids' class will often call me by the children's surname i.e. my previous married name and I will answer to it. And I don't think that it being a church school has anything to do with it TBH...I'm a Roman Catholic myself. Oops...sorry I've rambled on a bit! LOL

SofiaAmes · 23/10/2004 01:21

marmaladesun, your children will be the winners from your sacrifices. Well done for being strong, wise and selfless.

MarmaladeSun · 23/10/2004 16:23

Oh no...now I sound like a martyr!

happygolucky · 23/10/2004 23:43

I can empathise with you MarmaladeSun. I wish my ex and I could bury the hatchet even just for the childrens' sakes. It has been 6 yrs now and not any better.
Dh is very similar to your dh. He refers to his skids as my ds etc. I too am called by my old married name. Sounds weird when it happens, I just say yes, I am (ds name)'s mum and carry on from there. I don't mind but dh has been called Mr ex and at first was a little put out but now he can see there is no harm.

childmindersam · 23/10/2004 23:50

My sd brings nothing with her! She has toys and clothes and coats and shoes here! She said today that her things here are nicer than her things at home and i know thats true!!

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread