I need help with my son's eating

[Rosebud1302]

I've posted about this before but my son was much younger and I was hoping he would start eating better by now. Well, he hasn't :( he is nearly 2.5 and just wants carbs. Dinner is the worst meal by far. He won't eat any vegetables (he might pick up one or two bits of sweetcorn). Won't eat meat or fish. Just wants pasta (and even then he is fussy if it's in some sauces) or bread based things. Of course he will eat freezer shit. I want to point out that this NOT all I give him at all. Far from it. I cook a wide range of healthy meals but he won't touch them. It's getting me down and I'm really getting frustrated now. I try so hard (and apart from tonight, succeed) in not getting annoyed but I just want him to eat :( he eats so well at nursery. Every single amazing healthy meal they offer. Often two portions. So what am I doing wrong?! I'm so conscious he isn't getting the foods he needs.

I have tried completely not talking about food at all. Doesn't matter, he just won't eat it. I've tried asking him to try it. He might sometimes put a bit in his mouth then spits it out. I always make sure there is at least one thing on his plate he likes. He eats that and asks for more (I don't give him more as I know he will just fill up on that - it's the carbs he wants).

I know he's young. I get that. But I just can't see this changing. I think I need some help from someone. Can you pay for eating consultants like you can sleep consultants?! Or can anyone offer advice or reassurance that this might not be him forever!!

Sorry. Dramatic post. I'm having a bad day haha.

If he's eating healthy meals at nursery I would just stop worrying about it. Carry on offering some of what he likes, refusing to allow him to fill up on carbs every meal and not reacting to what he does or doesn't eat.

Time will sort this, unless you let him pick up on your stress or put pressure on him to eat.

The strategy of not talking about it is about not prolonging the issue. It isn't a cure so it can't make him want to eat a more varied diet. If you get over-involved, you will make the issue worse and longer lasting.

You're doing the right thing. Just keep doing it. He will be getting what he needs to be healthy in his meals at nursery. He probably doesn't refuse there because they aren't emotionally invested in him eating and giving out stress signals. Be grateful that he's eating there and try to do the same at home.

I do know how hard it is. It won't last forever.

Try not to stress or let him see you a fed up about it, as he may enjoy the battle. Toddlers don't get much control over their lives and this is one thing he can exert his own will over. Just keep offering him the mpst healthy versions of food you know he likes and add a small amount of veg or meat alongside it, without pushing him to eat it. Keep a food diary, you may be surprised how much he eats or it may reveal a pattern of whe he is more likely to try new things. One of the most important things is to sit together and eat with him even if you only have a small amount and eat properly later. This way the main focus is having family time and not his eating, he may want to try things fro plates on the table you all help yourself from. That way he gets an element of control to pick things from serving dishes rather than being presented with a plate he is told to eat. Make sure between meals he is only offered fruit or veg for snacks, if he is genuinely hungry he will eat, plus only let him have water to drink. Keep an eye on his milk intake, he only needs one cup a day. Give him vitamins. Get him involved with unpacking shopping so he is touching and smelling foods without being pressured to eat them, he can help make food for family members, plus messy play is good. Hope that helps. My brother only ate beans on toast all through his childhood and is a health adult, eating a varied diet

If by “freezer shit” you mean stuff like
nuggets and potato waffles....give him freezer shit. Just put a bit of veg at the side.
Or on nursery days a sandwich and veg sticks (then eat the veg sticks yourself later when he leaves them on his plate).
I really would try not to worry (easier said than done, I know).

@Poppinjay thank you, I know you are right and I know I shouldn't be stressing. I genuinely normally don't react at all but tonight it's just been one of those days. Thank you for the reassurance.

@missminimum loads of great tips thank you. Yep so we have dinner together 3 days a week (3 he has a nursery and 1 we have a naughty takeaway once he is in bed!) It is so lovely being able to do that. He doesn't fill up on milk and only has water. I do think I probably let him have typical easy packaged snack foods too much (yanno like the Organix type stuff). But I try really hard to limit this so he has hours between this and meals and he doesn't get a lot.
One question - I really like the serving bowls in the middle idea but if I put a bowl of potatoes down he will 100% eat 10kg of potatoes and nothing else. Should I let him eat as much as he wants of these??
He does the shopping every week with me and we talk about the food I'm putting in. He knows what they are and sometimes briefly helps with food prep before he gets bored. He's very happy to do all that stuff.

@FelicityPike thank you. He is always given veg alongside dinner. He likes peas and sweetcorn. Sometimes more than others! It seems to be very much "stick to what you know" which I guess is normal but. Even when it's stuff I know he will like and really isn't that crazy - like chicken. He just won't entertain the idea.

We've had constant battles with my son over eating since he was about 2 (he's now 3.5). Honestly it's a power game with him, he loves the control he has and the more attention we pay to what and how he eats, the worse it gets. Now I minimise snacks, put the food down, turn to feed my twins (this part really helps! but you could focus on your own meal or potter) and let him have at it. If he doesn't eat it, it goes on the side and he gets it back later if he's hungry. But mostly he just eats it now. Another thing which helped is not to overload the plate - a tablespoon of each food is plenty and he can always ask for more.

@lifesnotaspectatorsport thank you for your advice. As sorry I am that you are having trouble too, it is reassuring to hear people in similar situations. I definitely need to work on just letting it go. That has definitely slipped with my frustration levels growing. I also need to be mindful about portion sizes I think as I think he gets overwhelmed.

I just wanted to say your post sounds exactly like my 2 year old daughter except she won't even touch potatoes.
I put healthy meals in front of her (the same as what we have) but all she eats is plain pasta. Tonight I gave her tuna pasta with sweetcorn and she refused it! It doesnt help in my situation that my DH will then just cook up a bowl of plain pasta because he 'hates the thought of her being hungry' .
She eats healthy meals at nursery 5 days per week & a lot of fruit for snacks so I've decided to stop trying to force the issue because it was stressing me out & would then result in me & DH bickering.
I just put it in front of her now and if she doesn't eat it, more for me!

he will 100% eat 10kg of potatoes and nothing else. Should I let him eat as much as he wants of these??

^

Yes. Spuds are fine. Vit C and fibre.

Plus, he's only 2.5. DS only ate scrambled egg, apple sauce, biscuits and blended macaroni Bolognese till he was 3.

There's time for your son.

If he doesn't eat much dinner you don't need to worry because he'll probably just have an extra helping at nursery, so he won't miss out on any nutrition.

Best you can do is convince yourself not to care what he eats at dinner

It's really hard isn't it. I've had two children who just eat but my youngest is awful. Eats like a sparrow and what he likes one day he will refuse the next.
I find sometimes I over face him. Their portion sizes at that age are actually small and you can always give more.

I always include something on his plate I know he will eat. Just give him the plate and then we eat ours. Once he's "finished" I take it away and offer some fruit or yoghurt.
Try and be neutral about it all. I know it's easier said than done.
My youngest wouldn't eat any veg except peas for ages. He just used to take it off his plate saying "don't want that"
I kept giving it to him and one day he just ate it!

We still have days when he eats very little but some days he does. He very rarely eats breakfast either!

Good luck

Another thing that my son likes is those plates with compartments. He chooses which order to eat and the individual portions are small. So for dinner I might give him 1-2 tbsp of pasta plus one square filled with natural yoghurt and one section with pieces of cheese and fruit (he likes them on sticks to pick up).

Could l just say, no one could have been worse than my dd. She was bloody terrible.

She’s 14 now, 5ft 11 and eats most things. I didn’t ever make a fuss and fed her the very limited diet she would eat. I’d give her new stuff. She’d rarely eat it.

It will pass

My 2.5 year old is the same (except he doesn't eat much at nursery either)
I'm hoping it will pass. I do give the freezer food - cod fish fingers he will eat, chicken fingers is more hit and miss. I feel at least he's eating some meat! I give a multi vitamin.. He eats pizza with chicken /bacon / pepperoni / ham on it (if tiny pieces hidden under cheese) and would eat plain pasta with butter to the cows come home.
Drives dh mad that he won't eat sauces or more variety

Another one with a fussy 2yo! Anything new gets rejected, anything green gets rejected yet she's never met a crisp she didn't enjoy!

I'll offer "safe" foods alongside new foods (which usually get rejected without trying) and try to make healthy choices so we have homemade sweet potato wedges, I'll put grated veg and lentils in a tomato pasta sauce or mashed up cauliflower in a cheese sauce. I try not to make food and dinner a battle ground but it's really hard sometimes, especially when you're seeing what you know is a tasty dinner just going in the bin!

Thank you so much everyone! Some of these replies made me smile and it's so nice to know I'm not alone although it can feel like it when it's just us in the house! I am going into this week with my old attitude of "not caring". I am also going to make sure he has stuff on his plate I know he will eat. Perhaps a bit more of that and less of the "scary" stuff to start with. I know i need to relax I was just having a particularly bad day haha. Yeah he has those compartment plates they are great! Also going to try the serving bowls option. Thank you so much. I hope the other children in these posts grow out of it soon too!!!

Try blending all the veg into a pasta sauce so he doesnt know hes eating them. Also try crudite with dips, many children prefer the crunch of raw veg.

I have another question sorry haha. So recently he has started not wanting to even come up the table (this was prior to my little breakdown yesterday haha). He wouldn't get upset or anything but he just says "no" and wants to stay playing. I am right in saying he should still come up the table or sit with us even if he doesn't want to eat? Or is that adding too much pressure again to eat.

Personally, I would try hard to get him to sit at the table for 5 minutes or do, to give him a chance to eat but after that let him get down if he wants to. Dont forget that the evening meal is a prime time for business because they are often not that hungry.

As for the rest, your job is to provide a balanced meal. His job is to decide which bits of it he wants to eat.

That said, when mine got to about 3 I did use the once/then method, as in "once you've had 2 bites of peas (or whichever bits of the meal they did want but it was usually veg w ds2) then you can have your yogurt". They do need to be a bit older to use that though.

didnt want Ds2 was a veg refuser

A health visitor once said to me ‘you can’t control what goes they will put in their mouth or what comes out their bum’ - less random than it sounds as I was stressing about DD2 who was a fussy eater with pooing issues. Anyway she is 15 now and eats like a normal human. I agree with the above ideas, try not to stress, stick to a small range . Sneak veg into tomato sauce for pasta . Baby spinach cooked gently in butter and blitzed with Phillidephia soft cheese makes a surprisingly mild green sauce that sticks well to pasta.

If you have insta I really recommend following “kids eat in color” for very practical and reassuring tips - I think she’s also a dietician.

My kids are awfully fussy (5 year old won’t eat sauce of any kind or cooked veg) but then so was I and now I eat almost everything. So I think it’s something they can grow out of, and also from what I’ve read there’s a strong genetic element to fussy eating - it’s probably not anything you’ve done or not done!

I’d say yes keep insisting on his presence at the table for family mealtimes. Let him know he doesn’t have to eat anything if he’s not hungry and keep encouraging him to listen to his body’s signals.

Sounds like you’re doing great!

Thank you again everyone. Love the spinach sauce idea!!! He loves a good pasta sauce haha. I think I will encourage him to come and sit with us as I have been doing but just put absolutely no emphasis on the food

I'd ask him to come to the table but let him get down as soon as he said he had finished eating.

What I wouldn't do is then let him get back up again until the next meal. It's great reverse psychology.

I could have wrote this. Mine daughter is a year older than your son but things are starting to get easier. I started reward charts for getting a clear plate (not pushing her to clear it) then started introducing more veg - one piece of a new veg etc and just adding the reward for having one thing. A week ago I said if she tried something new every day until Xmas she would ask Santa for an extra present - it's working. She normally won't eat anything with sauce or cooked veg but she's trying it. Some stuff she has said can I eat more, some stuff she's just eaten and not been bothered. I've not pushed it and praised for trying something new. She eats well at nursery but tbh I've let her eat the freezer shit especially during lockdown I didn't need any extra battles!! She's doing fine, and I'm sure it's because I'm not stressing

Not stressing is the most important strategy you can use, even though it's incredibly hard.

The best advise is not to use rewards or praise at all. Although it can increase compliance in some children, in others, even that small amount of pressure can be counter productive and make matters worse.

I would strongly advocate making the food available and stepping right back. No praise, no rewards, no opinions of any kind.

It's not our job to comment on what children eat. Our role is just to make a balanced selection of food available.

Enabling children to listen to their appetites is the way to set them up with a healthy relationship with food in later life.

We don't want them to see any sort of food as something we need to be rewarded to eat or to feel that eating food when we don't feel hungry or enjoy it as something we should strive to do.