This might be a long one....
I have an 8yr old with my ex, a few years back I moved into a refuge to escape his abuse, over the years he had made somewhat of an effort and I started to see positive changes that stuck for about a year and a half, we became amicable and I would even go so far as saying friends. Over this time we had spoke about getting together and in a moment of madness (or still under coercion, even though I am not using this as an excuse for my mistake) we got back together and of course the change didnt stick.
He cheated on me and got someone else pregnant as well as all the controlling side of him returning (no physical abuse this time) and I think that clouded my judgement.
I ended it and this time it wasnt so hard because I had been gaining my strength and recognising all the patterns, so there was no concern of me going back. This was last year and still have no desire to return despite all his best efforts to get back together.
He has taken this as I am the controlling one now as i am putting a stop to everything. Anyway his life has unfortunately gone a bit down hill, he lost his driving license, is in and out of temp jobs and lives in a rehabilitation centre (to my knowledge I have never known him to take drugs except weed so this was a bit of a shock to me) we still kept minimal contact so that he could see our son etc. Although he was never consistent and I had to send him an email explaining to him that he needs to call our son more often if he cant see him as I am trying to keep that relationship with his dad open
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, it all sort of came to head because I wouldnt let him stay over when he had no place to sleep, I'm sorry this may be unreasonable but I've posted before and the advice was clear that I shouldn't have to allow him in my home if i wasnt comfortable with it and although we had a pretty amicable relationship I was not comfortable because he is always so negative and causes arguement and out stays his welcome.
I'd had enough and said he needs to keep contact and communication strictly about our son. He didn't like this and has caused a massive uproar (I think he still wants that complete access to me, I am under no illusion this is about our son at all) now my son has started to speak about this at school because it is affecting him, fair enough.
I had the conversation with his dad that this needs to stop because it's a toxic situation for DS. Well he went off on one and saying things like I was controlling and making a wedge between them both. Not once have I ever.
I spoke with the school for support and they suggested early intervention. I am happy to cooperate and get the best outcome with them. Now DS dad knows this he has been emailing me all sorts of abuse. He asked to see DS today as it's his birthday. Fine. However he said he was taking him to stay over at his. Not fine. I explained that under no circumstances is my son staying in one room in a rehab house but he could pick him up and spend the day with him and bring him home. No he didnt want to do this, I have said that he cant do weeks days because DS has school and I dont want the routine changed on random days he decides he wants him.
He then called DS and said he had this really fun day planned but mummy had said no but not to worry because he will pick him up from school tomorrow when mums at work. I have to admit i snapped because i have clearly said no to both things but because he cant get away with one he tries another and now he is making me look unreasonable. So I emailed him outlining the reasons why this cant happen but that he is more than welcome to pick him up today spend the day with him and do the same next weekend, he replied saying that I am controlling and that I should just fuck off a die.
He is never consistent and he shows up whenever he feels like it, makes no plans for arrangements and just gets away with it.
So I have told the school that he is not allowed to pick him up but here is where I am stuck because he has parental responsibility as he is on the birth certificate. I do not want my son to be around him because he is so toxic but I have tried and tried to keep the relationship going between them despite this because he has half responsibility so there isn't much I can do anyway, I'm now at my wits end!
Every person whether it be friend, family, teacher, social worker has said that he is no good and I should keep DS away from him but how?! And is it really the right thing to do?
He has an ongoing court case because he got caught selling class A drugs (not when I was with him) he has a suspended sentence, lives in a rehab place, smokes weed, is abusive and controlling, is under probation....I could go on, I wasnt joking when I said his life started to fall apart.
What do I do? I've tried my best to do the right thing but obviously it's not been right. I dont want my son around him at all but i know i have to accept that if he has rights then i will need to let him, I'm not one of those mums that takes the kid away because we are not together but I'm starting to feel like i should be like that.
Sorry it's long and i know I'll get flamed for some of the things I've said and that's fine but I just need a resolution for what's in the best interests of DS.