Feeling trapped- PND??

[KateEC91]

Hi, i would be so grateful to hear from anyone.
I have diagnosed post natal anxiety, although I think this is veering off into depression.
I have started to feel very very trapped in my new motherhood role. Effectively, as terrible as it sounds, I feel like all the freedom and excitement of my life is over.
I keep looking at my partners personality, humour, appearance and basically thinking... this is your life forever. You can’t ever have a new partner now (i understand that i can, but i think of all the destruction I would cause). To be clear, my partner was and I hope is my best friend, but our relationship has started to panic me because it makes me feel like im in a prison for life. He is sweet, kind and caring, but my brain finds a way to notice everything unattractive and amplify it.
I am alone with my baby 6am- 7pm and find this so difficult. I get bored, lonely etc and judge myself hugely for that. I don’t overly enjoy motherhood and wake up each morning with a distinct feeling of dread for the day ahead.
Has anyone else experienced anything similiar and if so, how did you work through it? I have been told to stay off of antidepressants but really feel I need them now.

It does gets better! (They get less demanding and you get more time back!) Try and find something positive everyday - get outside for walks!

Babies get more interesting - they are pretty full to start with! How old is your baby? 6 months is a massive turning point and 18 months is another huge one. Can you meet another mum in the park?

Everything is a phase! Literally - you will be on to the next one before you know it!

If it’s your first your life has changed so much and I think it’s a shock for anyone! It’s ok to feel that way!

How’s the sleep going?
Take turns at the weekend for lie ins.
Plan in nice things for yourself like a bath or nice food. It’s important to look after yourself too!

If you are concerned at all, speak to your doctor - you must look after yourself!

You are doing an amazing job so celebrate that and yourself!

I don't have any advice but I'm feeling really similar at the moment although my partner is considerably less perfect than yours sounds! Having a baby seems to have magnified all of our differences to me at least and I spend most days in a sort of permanent state of shock and horror that my choices are stay with him or give the baby a disrupted childhood, sell our house etc. I really can't work out whether it's hormones, pnd or actually just reality.

It definitely gets easier. I didn’t think I’d ever get over the shock and the panic that this was my life now and it would never get any better.

You won’t get the person you were back, but you’ll evolve into someone just as good, if not better. I stopped feeling like I had a sense of humour, I saw no joy in anything and everything felt like I didn’t meet my own expectations.
My ‘baby’ is three now and is in nursery and I don’t feel like a slave anymore. Although I started feeling much better when he was around 18M.

It does get easier but when you’re in the fog it’s really hard to see.

That’s exactly how I feel and I question the same- whether this is anxiety, PND or the truth. Do you find your concern regarding your partner comes in waves? Sometimes I’m ok, whereas at other points in the day I feel suffocated and feel an urge to just leave.

@MumandnotMum that’s exactly how i feel now. I just cant imagine this getting better. I have everything I wanted and really loved the idea of a couple of children if we were lucky enough. Now I feel that I won’t ever overcome how awful this feels and would be put off from having another baby. It’s really really tough and I think being cooped up during lockdown doesn’t make it easier :(

Yes, so on days when I'm generally happier and brighter I feel a sort of surface level contentedness. It's definitely much worse when I'm tired/had a tough baby day. It does feel exactly like suffocating. My partner does lots of kind helpful things but despite that all I can think is that he's not right for me. How old is your baby?

@Flackattack the sleep is actually going amazingly so i cant even pin it on that!
I feel like so many opportunities and the freedom in my life are now gone and I don’t know if the low feeling that brings is something for time to heal or antidepressants.
I have one other Mum friend and she feels the same as me but doesn’t get low about it. She wanted babies and I didn’t think I could have, so I found ways to try to make peace with that.
I can’t talk to my own Mum as she says things like... ‘but you wouldn’t be without the baby would you?’... and I think.... well I don’t think so (which makes me feel awful obviously as it should be an absolute NO) I know I love him, I dote on him, but everything has changed for me. Not so much for my partner. I feel like a 24/7 slave and deeply wish I could find enjoyment. I feel like I am missing out on so much of what other Mums talk about.
I don’t see babies and feel all warm and fuzzy. I see babies and replay the last 9 months in my head and feel panic and fear.

@Esmeralda1988
My baby is 9 months.
Exactly as you describe- a sort of contentedness and even feel quite happy some days and will reach out for a hug. Then I instantly question how I feel again. I start to dread my partner getting home from work because of how I feel and spend the evening questioning every single aspect of every move he makes. It feels cruel and totally distorts my reality. I think, for me, it could also be a touch of relationship OCD. Worth a google if you haven’t already. I saw a lot of myself in it.

I definitely felt more trapped for the first 6 months (my baby is 7!) but (on a side note) when I had the second (many years later as I found the baby stage hard!) it was different as I didn’t have the fear it won’t get better as it really does. (I also lowered my expectations about everything and felt immensely better about everything!) I personally also felt better to think - no one wins - my husband want winning going to work and I wasn’t”winning” staying at home.

I remember thinking I will never relax again!!! I do - and so will you!

I remember thinking I did this to myself!
I can’t think of a harder time than lockdown as getting out really saved my sanity.
More people feel like you than you think.
I definitely felt like I returned back to pre baby be - but a better version!
No good comes from beating yourself up - embrace how you feel and try and find small victories each day!
Even the most perfect partner is annoying as hell when you have a demanding baby!

Mine is only 11 weeks, I was wondering if yours were a similar age whether it was a hormonal stage (wishful thinking maybe!) I can see how ROCD might apply. I guess it depends on how your relationship was before, if you were entirely happy then it probably is some sort of anxiety manifestation. A few years ago I had awful anxiety/OCD with obsessive thoughts about my health and relationship and spent 8 months on anti depressants which did actually help because it gave my brain a rest from the constant thinking. When I stopped then I was in a much better place, so it might be worth giving them a go and see how you feel? I think for me it is an actual relationship issue, example being that my partner isn't exactly a conversational genius whereas I'm quite chatty and it didn't bother me so much before because I did plenty of things to chat about or I chatted to my friends, family, or went off and did things I enjoy that made me happy. Now we have the baby all that has kind of gone and it feels like everything that was gluing us together has gone with it. I think there's a lot of pressure to really enjoy being a family and a mum but the reality is actually quite mind numbing and depressing.

My baby is 7 weeks old, and I know exactly how you feel, so am following with interest. I have only just come to terms with the fact I very well may have PND (seeing my GP on tuesday so will discuss with them then). I feel I have lost myself and any freedom that I had and feel trapped.

My partner and family have been great and offer loads of support but I just cant pull myself out of it and cry a lot, and I feel guilty as I feel I should be enjoying my baby but I'm really disliking motherhood at the moment (although I do love DS very much).

My baby is 16 months. Not so much a baby now. Before lockdown I would be alone all day with my baby, and this was fine apart from the fact that I had to fight to get attention from any of my family. This was soo hard to deal with because I dont have any siblings, and I wouldn't see my parents for weeks (they live 5-10 mins away). My husband would go to work at 6 and not come back til 7. All this just made me feel so isolated. I got out sometimes to meet mums, but felt that the maintenance of everything just drove me down (cleaning bottles, getting dressed, learning a new routine every week). So often I would just stay in. Nowadays, because of lockdown, my husband works from home. And now I need time on my own! Honestly cant win! Every stage is a new challenge. Lockdown makes it harder. What I say is, take some time out for yourself. To do what YOU want to do, and don't feel guilty. Because you deserve it :)

Hi OP. I could have written your post when my baby was small. I felt like that all the time. Hes 7 months now, and like you said, it comes in waves. Im having CBT for it. I find im wishing away my sons babyhood tbh.

@xxxemzyxxx. It’s great that you’re seeing your GP. Perhaps they will suggest some Cbt? I started a couple of weeks back and haven’t got into the techniques properly yet, but talking to my therapist is just lovely in itself. I’m allowed to just let everything out of my mind. My anxiety stems from a need to control/be certain of everything, hence the concerns about my relationship. I know it’s anxiety, but when anxiety takes up more of your time than your rational mind, it can be easy to be tricked into thinking anxiety IS your reality.
Again, great that you are aware of the love for your DS. My anxiety constantly has me doubting absolutely everything. The only time it didn’t was when my baby had to go to hospital after I found a rash and I was beside myself. It was clear as day to me that this was MY baby and my world just wouldn’t have existed had anything happened to him. As soon as everything went back to normal, the doubts and anxiety came back.
7 weeks is so young and I am sure with the right treatment things will be absolutely perfect. I wish I had sought help sooner x

@xxxemzyxxx
Another thing I have recently come to terms with is that, motherhood isn’t always enjoyable, regardless of whether PND/PNA is present.
I feel bored, isolated, sad and then guilty for feeling all of those things. It is a huge responsibility and in my world, it mostly falls all on my shoulders due to my partners work.
I haven’t ever felt comfortable around babies. I felt like I was acting around them, it didn’t ever come naturally to me and it still doesn’t now. I still fret constantly whether or not that makes me a bad mother, or whether it means we lack a bond.
In my ideal world, I want someone to come to our home, study my behaviour with my baby for the day and tell me whether or not i’m normal!! In the absence of any mother and baby classes, i am completely at a loss to knowing what other mums feel. Thank god for mumsnet!