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Original poster

Should I report her?

26 replies

pootlebaby · 17/10/2007 14:25

I am concerned about my friend and her 12 year old daughter. My friend is leaving her daughter home alone in the evenings, initially to work, but lately she's been going out and drinking, leaving the child to make a marmite sandwich for her supper. She has started to drink drive herself and her daughter around also. Anyone who confronts her or challenges her is excommunicated. I don't want this to happen to me as I am worried about them both and if I challenge her I will be out of the loop completely and will be unable to help at all. My friend is a single mum and a depressive. She has moved a lodger in and consequently developed a crush on him. I advised her against letting a stranger in her house but she ignored me as she ignores everyone. Her daughter is withdrawn and in my opionion heading towards depression herself. I really think the emotional needs of this child are not being met, and consequently she is being neglected. I am in some denial about it myself but I cannot watch anymore. I am too chicken to challenge her (it will certainly mean an end to the friendship) and I am hating myself for considering asking the social services to investigate.

Please, can anyone advise? I feel they are on borrowed time.

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fortyplus · 17/10/2007 14:26

Assuming that you are in the same area, make your concerns known to your Health Visitor. She will deal with it tactfully - I have done this once in the past, though the child involved was younger (6).

Original poster
pootlebaby · 17/10/2007 14:29

Sadly we are not in the same area

OP posts:
SpooKAYsamuels · 17/10/2007 14:30

Report her - I had a friend who did this, was shocked at how bad a family she knew were getting. Social services visited her, se is under treatment for depression, helping out at school etc, and seems to be on the up now so to speak. My friend was concerned what would happen if she called but it honestly helped the situation.

When you say supper do you mean this child's evening meal or a quick snack before bed?? Also in an evening is this 12 year old child home alone with the lodger then??

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Tommy · 17/10/2007 14:31

have you thought about giving the NSPCC helpline a call? I phoned them once about some worries about another child and they were really helpful and gave me some good advice. They didn't demand to know all the details or anything

fortyplus · 17/10/2007 14:34

They probably wouldn't be unduly concerned if the child is in the care of an adult (ie the lodger).

Maybe your friend has an arrangement whereby the lodger babysits sometimes?

But generally I would say it's better to report her - I'd rather be safe than sorry. You can remain anonymous.

Don't forget that if other people have had concerns they may have called, too, and that will carry more weight with SS.

Original poster
pootlebaby · 17/10/2007 14:35

The marmite sandwich is her only evening meal, as i understand it.

The lodger has only been there for 3 weeks but he has been there alone with her daughter. It's either a blessing or a huge risk depending which way you look at it. Daughter has developed a strong aversion to him - most likely because mum has developed a crush on him and follows him round the pubs

OP posts:
Ico · 17/10/2007 14:37

The girl is very vulnerable with an incapcitated mother and an unrelated man in the house. Sounds like a recipe for disater to me.

If you report her I think the worst that would happen is that she would be encouraged to get some help - and that would obviously be a goog thing

fortyplus · 17/10/2007 14:37

Maybe she has a cooked meal at shool at lunchtime? My 2 have a sandwich at lunchtime then a cooked meal in the evening. Is the child thin? If not then maybe the food issue isn't a problem?

Just trying to look on the bright side

nappyaddict · 17/10/2007 14:42

Whilst I don't think there is anything wrong with leaving a 12 year old at home alone in evenings drink driving her daughter around is totally unacceptable.

Original poster
pootlebaby · 17/10/2007 14:42

It's not so much the food issue that concerns me, although I have bought them food in the past because she has run out of money, which i find a big worry. It's the drink driving and the physical and emotional absence of the mum.

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Original poster
pootlebaby · 17/10/2007 14:44

Really? Do you think there is nothing wrong with leaving a 12 year old home alone at night???

Is it me then?

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SpooKAYsamuels · 17/10/2007 14:47

I wouldn't worry about a 12yr old being at home alone for a few hours if everything else was alright - but think the whole picture is rather worrying (drink driving, agressive, withdrawn child,emotional aspects etc.

Tortington · 17/10/2007 14:48

ask social services.

if you are certain she in inhebriated wen driving - at that point call the police - for eeryones safety

fortyplus · 17/10/2007 14:50

My 2 are 12 and 13 (nearly 14). They have never been left at night until this year, when I have sometimes left them until about 10pm as long as they know where I am and can phone me if they need to.

12 is too young to be home alone at night.

kittywitch · 17/10/2007 14:52

Yeak, report, for the sake of the poor kid

mrspnut · 17/10/2007 15:20

I'd call social services - it may be that the girls school also have concerns and your call may be the catalyst for the family to get some help.

If your friend refuses to listen to people who try and advise her then getting a statutory body in may be the only way to get her to take notice.

pania · 17/10/2007 16:32

From everything you say in your post I think you really must report her. If you compare the worst that can happen if you do to the worst that can happen if you don't, I really don't think there's any question that it's the right thing to do.

nappyaddict · 17/10/2007 17:08

no, my friend works and she leaves her 12 and 10 year old at home between 5 and 10 three nights a week.

hanaflower · 17/10/2007 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

salsmum · 17/10/2007 17:20

Is it actually legal to leave a minor on their own in the house? i'm not sure what the age is legally though 14 rings a bell.
Could you possibly arrange a sleepover at your house for this young girl?.
Maybe then theres a chance she'll confide in you and you can get the full picture of whats going on.
I don't know if you give this lodgers name to the police if they can tell you [as a worried friend] if he has any convictions against kids.
More often than not peadophiles will target lone parents to get to the kids.

nappyaddict · 17/10/2007 17:32

there is no legal age. unless something actually happens to the child as a result of neglect nothing can be done afaik.

kindersurprise · 17/10/2007 18:13

I think that 12 is very young to be left at home alone, ok during the day when parents are working. Certainly not for Mum to go out drinking.

I do hope you can help your friend get the assistance she obviously needs.

NineUnlikelyTales · 17/10/2007 18:21

All you have to do is let the NSPCC/SS know about what is happening, then all the worry about whether there is a problem is out of your hands and they will investigate. If there is nothing to worry about then they won't take any action, if there is then they will do something.

TBH I don't think anyone here can make a decision based on the information you have given, other than to contact SS. There are clearly some causes for concern and to dismiss them as "Well it might be okay because x,y or z" could be really dangerous for this girl. It is almost always possible to look on the bright side but if this is what is known to the OP, God alone knows what goes on that she isn't aware of. And I speak as someone who wishes somebody had voiced their concerns about the situation I was living in aged 12

Original poster
pootlebaby · 17/10/2007 20:26

Thank you. I eill phone the nspcc.

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professorplum · 17/10/2007 20:36

I think most 12yo are capable of manageing in the house for a few hours but they should be fed properly and be able to contact a sober parent who can safely drive home if needed. Leaving a 12yo girl with a grown man they dislike is not on. Even if he is ok, she will feel very vunerable. I don't want to sound like there is a peadophile round every corner but if you were a peadophile then lodging with a drunk women who has a crush on you with a neglected 12 yo girl sound like an ideal situation.

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