Newborn (week 1) anxious and feeling useless

[Sda06]

Hi all,

I'm thinking this is probably common with all the raging hormones but it's been tough.

I had my little girl 6 days ago and I'm just feeling so useless especially compared to my other half who seems to just have everything sussed already and has taken to being a Dad like a duck to water.

I'm struggling changing her nappy because she obviously cries and I get so anxious and teary thinking that I'm hurting or distressing her. My other half is so calm and just gets on with it but I really struggle with something that's so basic.

I'm a bit like this with burping her too, just feel like I'm hurting her by how I'm holding her and it's making me dread my partner going back to work after his 2 week paternity leave ends.

I keep reminding myself of the things I can or have been able to do, like breastfeed (which I thought I wouldn't be able to) and grow a baby for 9 months but it's hard as all these day to day things I'm struggling with and I'm worried my other half may start resenting me for how useless I am!

Any help, similar experiences or tips are greatly appreciated.

They always cry when you change them - it doesn't hurt it's just the sudden chilliness I think. It gets easier when they start interacting as you can coo at them and make them smile whilst you change them.

Burping is tricky. Some breastfed babies don't need it but mine definitely did (she cried so much she took in more air). It'll get easier.

The first week it is normal to feel down due to the hormonal changes - your husband won't have that to deal with. Your confidence will increase and it sounds like you're doing great.

I bet your husband thinks you are amazing doing all the feeding. My husband took all daytime nappy changes when he was home as I had to do all the feeding.

I felt exactly like this! My husband just seemed so confident straight away, he could change her clothes so quickly whereas I was always anxious that I would hurt her!

I think hormones and recovery after birth don't help with these feelings. I too was nervous when he went back to work but I quickly fell into my own routine and my confidence grew.

My little girl is 7 months old now and it all seems so easy* now, like we're in sync with each other. The thing is, my husband never agreed that I was useless, and if I ask him he says he felt useless as well, for him he felt useless when she was hungry and he couldn't settle her (breastfed). I guess it's just how people see things from different perspectives!

*As easy as babies can be

never burped ours (all breastfed) so maybe don't worry about that?

I was feeling so hormonal and upset and anxious 6 weeks in with my first.
You sound like an amazing mother abs so caring.
Maybe have a chat with your husband about how you are feeling, he can support you.
Keep your feelings in check and if you aren't feeling better in a week or so then maybe have a chat with gp or health visitor.

Honestly though OP. She's so new, you've just been through something HUGE, it's perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed abs anxious and you are just figuring things out xx

Don't worry - you'll get there. Sounds silly but I was afraid of changing my baby's nappy and putting clothes over his head for a few weeks (I tried to only use wraparound ones as I was afraid of moving his head...) . My partner changed all nappies for a while but that was fair because I was breastfeeding and recovering from giving birth. Burping baby is not essential.
It will all get easier and your baby will get stronger. It's really early days - focus on feeding and resting as much as you can.

I felt exactly the same in the early days, I worried I wasn’t holding her right, I struggled with her nappy, feeding was difficult and I always felt I was doing things wrong. She’s now 10 weeks and things are completely different. You’re doing amazing, it’s a massive adjustment and you’ve just birthed a baby! Give yourself permission to adjust, accept that it will take time and there is no right or wrong time frame

Trust me OP, if you're worried about hurting her you can guarantee you won't be as I bet you're so careful. But actually think about what babies have to go through during childbirth. I had a horrific birth with my 5 week old DD and that made me realise what their little bodies can withstand. Of course you have to be gentle with them but they're not as delicate as you'd think.

You're doing brilliantly so keep going and let your confidence grow naturally

Oh bless you. Don’t worry. You aren’t useless. You are likely exhausted and have had your world turned upside down. I imagine your partner thinks you’re wonderful.

Give yourself a break.

You’re doing great.

I think it sometimes seems like men are easier with tiny babies because their hands are bigger. My DH could easily support our son in one arm with head resting in his hand. He also did nappy changes faster for the same reason - easily held both legs up in one hand and whipped nappy off with the other. Also the sound of your baby crying sounds louder to you than to other people. It really stressed me out when mine cried, could actually feel my blood pressure rising! But you will be fine, you will get the hang of it and it gets easier all the time as the baby grows and starts being interested in toys and things. I used to talk or sing all the time to try and distract mine.

I could have written this. It is so so normal to feel like this. The dad's look like they have it nailed but that is just because mummies are drowning in hormones for those first few weeks. I promise it gets much, much better and easier. You will be doing a phenomenal job and in a few months you won't understand what you ever worried about. We've all been there, and you will come out the other side too xx

Echoing all the above comments. My OH was the changing, dressing and bathing ninja too.. Infact still is bathing ninja because he does pretty much all bathing. If your OH haa been doing more of one task he will be slicker.. But you will def get there when the discomfort of birth etc has calmed down. It's very early days, but i had to reply as I felt exactly the same and almost afraid of my boy 8 months ago. As someone said, men's hands and arms are bigger, easier to support baby. You are doing brill. Congrats!

never burped ours (all breastfed) so maybe don't worry about that?

Really? You still need to burp if you BF

I think it's completely normal to feel like this. Your body's just been through a major life changing event and as you say hormones are racing around it. Plus mothering has to be learned just like anything else, whatever anyone tells you. It's instinctive to protect your baby but not to burp it or change it's nappy.

How are you doing the burping? I always hated and was crap at it and it took ages until I found out about the sitting up method www.allinahealth.org/health-conditions-and-treatments/health-library/patient-education/beginnings/newborn-feeding/how-to-burp-your-baby. It still took ages and I was still crap at it but newborns look SO CUTE sitting up like that I didn't mind as much.

Go easy on yourself. A week is a long time in politics and new parenting! What you feel like now does not indicate how you'll feel when your H goes back to work.

Thanks to you all for your kind replies, I didn't think I'd be alone in feeling like this but it is very reassuring knowing it's not just me - I think the hormones are definitely a hindrance to us Mummy's!

I found it really alien the first few weeks. DH was on nappy duty initially as I had had a c-section and was in a lot of pain and then I got stressed I'd never be able to change a nappy! Obviously, 11mos later I no longer have that fear and it seems silly now, but at the time it was very real.
You're doing great!

I think you need to congratulate yourself on the breastfeeding! So many people don’t get to the end of the first week. I’m 12 days in with second baby and struggling, so if you’re 6 days in with first baby and feeling good about feeding, that’s so awesome! Definitely pay yourself on the back.

Both breastfed babies needed winding here. It’s a pain and I have no magic answers, but they won’t break so don’t worry too much about giving a good pat. Think how baby handled birth just a few days ago, much more physically demanding than a nappy change or being burped.

Everyone is learning and your confidence will grow soon. Sounds like you’re doing great to me