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Original poster

Toddler upset with newborn - advice pls!!

19 replies

JB86 · 12/11/2020 19:11

Just had child no 2 (7 days old) and we are experiencing issues with my first child (2yo). He goes absolutely mental hysterically crying when baby cries.
I've explained to him as calmly as possible that all is ok - she just needs a feed/nappy change, etc. and even try to involve him.... BUT he's so heartbroken that I just can't reason with him. I think it's more the volume of the cry! He was so upset a few days ago he sobbed "what about me...."

I'd be grateful for any tips / recommended books, etc. to help with this extremely difficult period!

Many thanks!

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LouiseTrees · 12/11/2020 23:21

Maybe when the baby cries you motion him to come over and get a hug too? Mini ear defenders? Sounds like it’s less about the cry and more about feeling replaced/left out though. So I’m that case when the baby sleeps could you or your partner make alone time for him and get really close (cuddling, playing etc)

Original poster

JB86 · 13/11/2020 04:17

Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately we don't get any nap time with the baby. It seems she has reflux and we can't settle her at all (different story!). We have as much alone time as possible with him but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Maybe I should look at ear defenders for him (and me! hahaha)

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vinoelle · 13/11/2020 08:21

No advice as I’ve only got 1 but mine had reflux - it’s really hard. Sympathies!

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mdh2020 · 13/11/2020 08:54

The advice that saved my sanity was something I heard on the radio: jealousy is natural in a toddler when a new baby comes along. Imagine your husband came home with another woman and said ‘we are all going to live together. I love her but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.’
The doctor giving the advice also said that it was important that the first born felt able to show their jealousy, because if it is suppressed it will warp their personality in later life. (We have experience of this in my family).
You are going through a very difficult experience but he will get used to the baby and things will get easier.

SpacePug · 13/11/2020 09:09

Ah bless him, must be a huge change for him. My DS turns 2 in December and I'm due his baby brother in January so I'll be in the same boat. Maybe show him videos about babies to show it's normal that they cry a lot, maybe whichever parent is dealing with the new baby the other can go straight over to DS and read to him/play so he has someone's full attention. Just some ideas as haven't been in this situation yet, it's only been a week so he's still getting used to it, things might look better in a week or two when he gets his head around the big change

Original poster

JB86 · 16/11/2020 03:13

Thanks all. We've a few books I've read through with him and tried explain my that nb can't talk that's why she cries for feed, etc. Not sure if it's sunk in. Ds now shouts and grunts very loudly when she makes a small sound but still has a full scale melt down when nb properly cries. I guess only time will tell. I have also heard that is like your husband moving in a girlfriend - of be extremely peed off, so keep reminding myself that. It's just so hard to juggle the two. Luckily hubby has 4 weeks off.
Thanks all!!

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AuntVictoria · 16/11/2020 03:31

Just to reassure you, I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old and my 2 year old did not react well to the baby at all. He cried when he first met her and we had two weeks of very bad behaviour, but things have gradually got better since and he is now very sweet with her (although he does still get jealous sometimes, which I'm sure will the case for a long time! He doesn't act out in the same way though, just demands some attention).
Also, I'm sure you've tried it but just in case, DS was a refluxy fussy baby and a sling was a godsend, as was a dummy.
Hang in there! It's hard but it gets easier

Anordinarymum · 16/11/2020 03:34

When my daughter was born my son was 22 months old. He was confused to say the least, and behaved badly at mums and tots because his new baby sister was getting all the attention.
I started involving him telling him I needed his help in bathing and looking after her. It worked. He didn't know where his place was in the family so I helped him to feel good about himself.

Original poster

JB86 · 16/11/2020 04:59

Thank you! This is reassuring to know. He's getting better but it's just so upsetting to see. 2-3 times a day he reverts to his bedroom now where it is 'not loud'. Sometimes we leave him to it and he seems happy playing and will come down on his accord. Other times we go up and play with him. It's hard to know what is right/wrong. Re nb - we have introduced a dummy and going to attempt the sling very soon.... She doesn't seem to like the dummy too much but I will persist!!

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Original poster

JB86 · 16/11/2020 05:03

Thank you @Anordinarymum thats a good point about making him feel good about himself. We praise him all the time when he helps with baby or helps me with the laundry etc. I think if we continue with this it'll make him feel included/important. Here's hoping it settles soon....

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MindyStClaire · 16/11/2020 05:29

Oh god, reflux and a toddler must be hell. Our eldest had silent (ha fucking ha) reflux and it was bad enough with just her.

DD1 was 2 when DD2 came along, she loves doing baby stuff with her dolls - nappies, changing clothes, putting them down to sleep etc. Would he like that?

Temple29 · 16/11/2020 06:29

I have a 10 week old baby and a 19 month old toddler. Toddler not a fan of the baby but after the first couple of weeks he hardly even takes notice of the baby crying anymore.

I just kept explaining in an upbeat way that baby was being too loud so we better change his nappy/give him lunch and tell him I found the crying loud too so we best be quick. I think it helped when he felt we were a team and in the same boat!

Also sympathy for the reflux, it’s quite tough. I second a wrap or sling for baby, it’s life changing!

Original poster

JB86 · 16/11/2020 07:05

@MindyStClaire we have dolls, etc. He was interested before baby arrived now not too bothered....?! I'll have to encourage him during one to one play when baby not around. Roleplay would be a good opportunity to discuss things.

@Temple29 that's a good idea. I'll have to try that one today and see how it goes down. If he thinks we both get fed up with the noise it'll probably make things better!

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Rubyroost · 16/11/2020 16:51

My boys are 2 years and 10 months and 8.months. I absolutely love bombed my toddlef seemed to work for us. Things got loads better after two weeks

Original poster

JB86 · 23/11/2020 20:20

Thanks all for your advice.... Although now my 2 year old had decided to move onto hitting my newborn. Anyone dealt with this? What did you do and how long did it last? It's so upsetting, I literally do not know the best way to correct this.... Don't want to shout at him and cause a divide but at the same time I don't want him getting away with it!!

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NataliaOsipova · 23/11/2020 20:26

My tactic (which worked for me) was to try to make everything as much about the older one as possible. So the baby is “his sister”, visitors are coming so that he can introduce them to his sister etc. Try to do all the activities with him that you usually do (“let’s take the baby so that you can show everyone that you’re a big brother now) and try to prioritise his needs over the baby’s (where possible - eg let’s change her nappy then you can have a nice quiet lunch).

Worked for me, anyway!

onetwothreeadventure · 23/11/2020 20:35

Mine are 15 months apart and my then 15 month old was literally heartbroken when I brought the new baby home. He cried/screamed for days, including at night when the baby woke up, and would only let my DH do anything for him. It broke my heart to see him so confused and hurt. He slowly came around and adores her now but it really did take time and a lot of one on one so he knew he was equally as important.

Regarding the hitting, explain to him about gentle hands and keep reiterating and praising when he is gentle with her and explain how much she loves him.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 23/11/2020 20:36

Pretty much all of the above & it does pass!!

But ZERO tolerance on hitting the baby
And NEVER leave them alone. Not even for a minute.

Talk to him when he's not angry, they understand SO SO SO much more than we often give them credit fir (because they can't verbalise as well as they comprehend)

Have you tried the sling yet?

Are you managing to get him outside every day? It makes a big difference.

This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass....

Original poster

JB86 · 25/11/2020 06:03

Thank you ladies.

I can't wear a sling yet as had C section and stitches still quite painful. But as soon as it's comfortable I'm intending on doing so. My husband wears the sling at the moment but will soon be back to work...

We do not leave them both in the same room on their own for fear of my son hitting her or throwing toys, etc. He does it when she cries, so we can kind of predict when it's going to kick off and consequently stand up with her or take her into another room. We encourage gentle hands but he just turns on us....I've taken to holding his arms down and saying gentle hands we don't hit. You make mummy and baby very sad. He just gets angry. He hits, kicks, throws toys, slams cupboard doors, shouts and now I've noticed he has developed a stammer when he speaks (not there pre baby) ive read that the speech regression is common.

We take DS out everyday for a walk or to the park either on his own or with baby. Sometimes twice or three times a day, it definitely works as a distraction.

I'm just wondering whether a behaviour chart will work for him at such a young age (2). We've tried a timeout cushion but he clearly doesn't understand the concept. I'm really hoping the household will get a bit more peaceful.ny Christmas.....

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