Lazy dad

[Razpoot]

I have an almost 4 month old, on maternity leave. I am at my wits end as her dad does hardly anything. I am doing all of the housework, I literally asked him yesterday to do the washing up for once as I was tired (it was only FOUR dishes) and he refused. When he finally did he was only running them under cold water and putting them away, i asked him to do it properly and he stormed upstairs slamming the doors. We have 4 rats that's he LOVED before she was born, now he ignores them, claims he hates them and all the cleaning of the cage and playing with them goes to me. His excuse is that he's always working (usually 6 hours a day but its only been 4 some of these days!!). Daughter was going through sleep horribly after her vaccinations and i asked him to take her so I could sleep, an hour later she isnt even crying and he wakes me up and gives her back to me because he got bored, and I was mortified to find the whole time he had just sat her in her bouncer in front of the TV while he watched some shows. It makes me furious, firstly he knows she shouldn't watch TV and secondly why does he get a break! When she wakes up at 4am wanting to play and I'm shattered i do it anyway and interact with her, even though my dying wish is to sit and relax with some TV. The last time I tried to bring this all up he called me a psychopath

I am beyond frustrated. I feel like im doing this all alone. I really want her to have a proper family together, but is it worth it? I'm beginning to feel as though it would make no difference if he was gone

Tell him that.

Tell him you feel/are a single parent

He needs to step up otherwise what's the point in him being there

Draw up a list of jobs both baby and house hold related that needs to be fine and divide up

It sounds like it would make a huge difference if he was gone -a positive one.

If you stay, you're teaching your child that it is normal to be with someone who does literally nothing useful. It creates a cycle that your child will struggle to break out of later in life and will negatively impact their future relationships.

Leave now, you've nothing to lose by the sounds of it

This is the second thread where the Dad of a new baby is totally inept. Tell him to get his act together or get lost.
Got bored of his baby, indeed

The dishes and refusing to do them isn't acceptable. The fact he used to love the rats and now can't be bothered suggests a shift in how he's feeling. I mean this nicely but are you critisicing how he does things often? E. G him sitting down with TV whilst a 4 month old is in a bouncer isn't that bad. When you say 'he knows she shouldn't watch TV' trust me that square box will be your best friend when she's 3. She is your first born right? We all start off with no TV, only bread sticks and raisins and they must have our undivided attention. Trust me it does and will change for you too. If he's chilling out with the TV is it really a battle to pick? Perhaps he feels you're critiquing him often. However him not helping you with housework is not acceptable. That needs addressing. Tackle him on this one. Try to pick your battles wisely.

I'd tell him that this is harder than of you were single as you're also picking up after him. So of you're struggling to cope now, maybe you'd do better to be single if he isn't prepared to step up and be a Dad.

Sell the rats.

Don't do his clothes washing, or picking up after him etc. Tell him you don't have time

And I wouldn't be humouring the 4 am play session. Milk, cuddle, shush and pat to sleep for your sanitys same x

Yes, i will admit i do critique him often. It is making me pretty angry and I think hes definetely started to see me as nagging. I just see so many problems aside from this though, he spends all of his money he earns so im paying for everything, our sex life died and everytime I approach him it changes for a week then returns to normal
Its made me quite resentful

Ive tried not picking up after him but then the place just becomes a tip and it ends it annoying me too much

I just see so many problems aside from this though, he spends all of his money he earns so im paying for everything, our sex life died and everytime I approach him it changes for a week then returns to normal

He’s showing you that he doesn’t care what you think or want.

Parenting is difficult; it’s also a lot more difficult than some people assume it will be. If you did most of the housework and managed finances etc before having a baby, the difference is just magnified now as he needs to do much more, but was starting from a low bar anyway.

I’d ask him to leave. Resentment will just build up otherwise.

So he's there to have his dinner cooked, his clothes laundered and a shag when he feels like it and you're basically paying him to do that

Sorry to go off topic but why are you playing with her at 4am? Night time should be quiet time to encourage rest, not stimulated or of course she won’t go back to sleep!

It's when she wakes up for the day. She goes to sleep very early.

Are you happy starting your day at 4 and going to bed early? Cos o really wouldn't be and if DH decide he was, he'd be doing it alone.

...put her to bed later!

Honestly op I know it's not what you asked, and I still think your DP needs a kick up the bum, but I think you'll feel alot better if you're not getting up at 4 every morning.

At that age they're still downstairs with you until bed so I wouldn't be rushing to make it quiet or dark downstairs (we never did at all tbh) , give a feed when you go to bed if needed, give at a bottle at 4 when she wakes, keep room dark etc bad put her back down for a few hours

I kind of want to keep his on topic if that's okay. I understand your concerns but she is only 3 months old not even hit regression yet and i am going with her flow, not training her. 4am was a rough example but its different all the time. Thanks! As for the dad, I've decided I had enough, i suppose the vent today and replies today (thank you for them) were just the final push I needed and I've asked him to leave

Well done OP, good for you. What was his reaction?

Well done you.

Not very good. I composed myself and kept calm, while he was shouting angrily every insult under the sun, (baby was upstairs sleeping thankfully) saying he hates me, im a horrible person, a "scroat", pathetic. I honestly didn't feel that i cared much because ive made my decision and it only reassured me it was the right thing to do. I'm really upset that my daughter wont have two parents around, im quite worried about that. My parents were divorced and i found travelling back and forth confusing and uncomfortable, and i really felt i missed out on that big happy family life and wondered what it was like

He will go through every emotion to get you back, bully you into it, emotional blackmail, begging, denial, aggressive. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse. Stick to your guns, don't be swayed. Your child will have a much better life in a single parent household.

I left my abusive relationship when my baby was 9 months. Although all the abuse was aimed at me, I didn't realise until he left the effect he had on her, took two years to heal her.

Be strong you made the right (but not easy decision) x