I’m just not good enough

[WingingIt101]

Hi everyone

I’m having a bit of a pity party and need to snap out of it. I’m hoping some of you can share experiences and maybe I won’t feel so totally alone.

Dd is 7 months. Born the week of lockdown (version 1) and our first child, we basically guessed our way through her first two months before deciding to go against the guidelines and see family for help.
We have had no support from health visitors and our gp has done their best within Covid restrictions.

I just feel so bloody overwhelmed and not good enough.
I look at my beautiful girl who smiles and laughs, she is so innocent and needs me so much. I love her with every fibre of my being.
But I’m not good enough. I look at her and know she deserves better.

I don’t know how to play with her properly - I can never think up games for us to play etc. She always gets bored.
I can’t get her to sleep. We paid for a sleep consultant and aren’t seeing good progress - I feel it’s my fault as I’m the grown up who should be giving her the tools to sleep
She has terrible dribble rash in her chin. I’m folllowing all the steps to help her but it won’t improve.
She seems to have some more teeth coming in but it’s impossible to get calpol into her to help her so she ends up upset
She screams blue murder if I’m out of sight

We are so stressed at the moment with a number of life things (bereavement, house move, potential new jobs etc) that I just feel overloaded. I want us to be enjoying our time together. I don’t want to look back and wish I’d done more/better/different. I want to be the mummy she deserves. She should have the best and I’m not even close to that.

You sound like you have PND. I wouldn’t worry about thinking up games unless she needs that attention, some kids just play themselves if you have toys out. There are online things like recorded bookbug singing though if you are really stuck. Re calpol, do use a syringe or a measuring spoon to dispense? Try the other if your normal method isn’t working but there are also tricks with syringe and bottle bibs you can try. The screaming when you are out of sight unfortunately is entirely normal and not much you can do there really apart from reassuring them it’s alright when you return and trying to gradually have larger alone periods rather than just leaving them with someone else/in something else for a while. What have you been trying re the bib rash? PS being a parent is hard and the lack of resources right now is ridiculous. I have a one year old so at least had help for the first 4 months. Happy to be a sounding board.

Also happy to give sleep tips if you want to PM what happens generally ie when she’ll generally nap and fall asleep, where and how, how long for, what she wears for sleep, how warm the room is etc

You are doing a great job. You love her, and that is what matters.
I think a big secret of being a new mum is that no one knows what to do- we are all just kind of winging it. Your daughter smiles and laughs, and that means she is happy!! I do agree with the first poster that it sounds like you could be suffering with PND, and I would reach out to your GP because you shouldn't have to continue feeling as you do.

You are a great mum; motherhood is hard and babies can be the most confusing little things, but it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job.

She doesn't need games. Just talk to her and tickle her feet. Take her for a walk and chat to her. Put Vaseline on her chin.

Omg my 6 month finds me so boring OP! I just end up playing with the same old squeaky toy with her, over and over. I have no imagination when I've had eff all sleep!

She's happy, fed and loved. You are doing great. Plus she won't remember any of this!

I get reoccurring mum guilt all the time. I often stick DD in her highchair just so I can get some cooking or cleaning done when it's clear she'd rather I just carried and cuddled her all day long.

Honestly, you are doing fine. Babies are HARD, but also resilient and only need the basics to thrive, love, food and sleep. It's us as parents who over complicate it by thinking we should be doing more (usually because we are comparing ourselves to other parents or social media)

Be kinder to yourself. You got this!

Also on a practical level, spoon feeding baby nurofen works for us regarding teething. Lean her back a bit on your lap so it doesn't all pour out of her mouth and get your partner to feed it to her.

You sound depressed. Whether that is sleep deprivation or PND is up to you and a healthcare professional to work out.

Everything else is fine. The reason she screams when you are out of sight is that, contrary to your opinion, in her opinion you are the world's best human. The sun rises and sets with you and she thinks you are best. No question or argument. You don't have to be perfect, or interesting or anything really. Show up, love her, carry on trying. You are brilliant.

BTW I hated the baby stage and an a fantastic mother from about 3-9 yo. You don't have to love the baby stage. Just love your baby and get through it!

Thank you all. I really appreciate your replies.
It doesn’t feel like depression more just overwhelmed.
I have a diagnosis of perfectionism so it may be that coming through though

Hey OP. I'm very similar to you. A perfectionist who struggles with overwhelming guilt about everything.

I have no advice but know that you aren't alone

I dose a bottle of milk with Calpol to get it in. They are awkward little characters who don't help themselves!

Vaseline for sore patch to protect it? I don't know though. We don't use soap and olive oil moisturise all over after every wash. Skin (in my experience as an adult) is different for different people and some people are just more vulnerable to some things. Not your fault, just keep trying to fix it.

Sleep - learning to sleep is a developmental thing. Some babies take longer. Mine was 15 months before he started sleeping through the night - now he regularly sometimes does but teething/nappy leaks/feelings wake him sometimes too. It's incredibly tough - chronic sleep deprivation - and you're not failing. Just keep doing what you can to maximise sleep for the whole team until your baby is older and sleep skills develop naturally. It will get better.

And entertainment - my baby used to get bored. Some request much more entertainment than others and it is an extra later of tough. And very isolating from other parents and their experience of a baby who is happy to sling around or chill with one toy for 20mins. I used to recycle the same entertainment every time he was awake. Made a list i could add ideas too and didn't have to remember spontaneously each time. Moving through all the space I could - every room in the house and outdoors. In each found experiences for eyes/ears/nose/taste/touch (where possible!) Singing with movements, music on, chores I could get away with (hanging up clothes up), sitting on the draining board to play with taps, mirrors hide and seek, who is at the door (no-one), watching cars and bikes go by, pans to hit in kitchen, smelling herbs in tiny garden, lots of talking. And buying enormous numbers of toys. Basically anything I could find in the house that was safe, I tried to make interesting somehow. We also did lots of baby clubs and trips out but that is not helpful for you now. Still he was bored and I was bored but knowing I was trying everything meant I felt less like it was my fault. He started nursery at 6 months and that made an enormous happiness/entertainment difference to all of us! Also babies are more fun and have more fun the older they get. Nursery, walking, 1 year, and 15 months were all times things got noticeably easier and happier for us. It's still really hard work, of course. But maybe you're not far off things feeling better in some way.

It sounds like you are overloaded. That's not you failing, that's the situation you're in being too much. It's a tough time to have a baby. People can be shit at offering help - ask for what you want. Keep going. It gets better. Generally and in terms of having a baby!

Sweetheart don’t give yourself such a hard time. It’s easier said than done I know. My DS was born the week of lockdown too and I completely get how you are feeling. Just the other night when he fell asleep on me I was saying sorry to him (and had a little cry) for not being the mom he deserves.

Have you tried a medicine dummy? My DS will take it from there or a spoon now. He will also only take the strawberry flavour.

Life is hard at the moment and I’m sure your maternity leave has not been as you planned. I have found this very hard to deal with. In terms of your DD being bored, we play with kitchen utilities/anything I can find in the house a lot like a wooden spoon, bowls, cups, cardboard boxes (from my Amazon addiction) etc as he is just not that interested in his toys. He loves whacking me (not on purpose I hope) with the spoon. But it will only keep him occupied for 10 minutes. We walk a lot too. He loves the outdoors so when the weather is dry we walk for miles.

Just keep doing what you are doing. It sounds like your a fab mum. Cuddle her, enjoy her and try give yourself a break. Mum guilt is the thing I personally have found the hardest. I have to remind myself daily that I am doing the best I can do for him.

Try ask for help if you need it. It is out there even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. Xx

Hi op, sounds like you have so much on your plate, it's understandable that you're overwhelmed!

We're all muddling through, but lockdown means it's so much harder. My ds is 10 months and still doesn't sleep well, some babies just don't. I still worry about it but not nearly as much as I used to. We've tried almost everything, so can't really give you much advice there except to try and rest when you can and don't beat yourself up.

Ds had an awful dribble rash in his neck folds and the only thing that helped was child's farm nappy cream and trying to get air to it; sometimes with tummy time and sometimes I'd just very gently open the folds a little (if he'd let me!) and hold them apart to get air to them.

Games, I wouldn't worry either. Just talk to her, sing, show her bits around the house/outside. Put her in a high chair while you're doing jobs so she can watch maybe? Does she like a bath? I think at that age mine loved nappy free time so I'd let him roll around on a big towel in the nip and he was happy as Larry! Oh and taking things out of boxes/bags etc was a big hit as well.

You're doing great op, she's smiling and laughing and it's really normal for her to be upset when you go.

God I feel for these new mothers don’t think I could have got through first 6 months with first baby without our big jolly nct meet ups and guess none of that allowed?

If you see your peers and their babies and share experiences it can make you feel so much better and you realise you are absolutely fine

@WingingIt101 If it helps , I felt much the same as you , so bit overwhelmed and not doing what some friends were doing ( so clubs and playing Mozart to their babies - I exaggerate for effect ) I luckily had a sensible husband who all whilst bf etc wasn't working - just said - he's breathing and growing. It's a time IMHO you just have to get through and -

20 odd years on DS has grown up very nicely - , nice friends , decent possibility of a decent job , and all despite his rubbish mother ( me ) I would keep doing what you are doing and it will probably work out well

OP in the gentlest way possible, please do not put too much pressure on you and your daughters relationship to be perfect. It will not be. It will never be and you are going to have to accept that for her whole childhood! Some days you will be At the end of your tether and you will let her watch too much TV. Other days you can’t be bothered to cook properly and they get a frozen pizza or beans on toast. And occasionally you may shout or get frustrated when she’s a toddler and having a huge meltdown or whatever it may be.

Part of parenting is that none of us know what we are doing and it’s a tough gig. Not every aspect of her life has to be perfect, as long as she is warm and fed and loved then she will be fine.

It sounds a bit like there’s a lot going on in your life that is stressful and you can’t control and you are putting all of those feelings onto your relationship with your daughter because you feel you can control that and what you do for her Don’t let that become your default because like I say it will never be perfect, and you can’t control babies either! Some days they are grumpy for no reason. Sometimes you put loads of effort into thinking up new games and activities and they aren’t interested! You just have to accept that you try your best and it won’t always work but it’s good enough.

Everything you describe in your OP sounds perfectly normal, I couldn’t get mine to take calpol until she was over 1, on a couple of occasions trying to get her to take it made her throw up everywhere. I felt awful but she’s 2 now and doesn’t remember it!

You sound like a lovely, attentive mum who is tuned into her baby's needs. It sounds like anxiety (and your perfectionism) are creeping in and stopping you from feeling confident and enjoying being a mum.

Everything you have described are the normal, tough things about motherhood. None of it is your fault - its just bloody hard sometimes. I thought I had everything planned out with DD2 as DD1 was such a good sleeper, I must have been doing it 'right'- nope! I have followed all the routines etc, used things that worked with DD1 but no - I cannot get this baby to sleep well.

The fact that she is happy and smiley and screams if you're not there is because she has a wonderful attachment to you - because you are doing a fantastic job and she has a strong bond with you. This is a good thing!!

I have been diagnosed with postnatal anxiety this time round, and am taking some medication as well as having CBT. It has really, really helped me. You mentioned feeling overwhelmed - that really resonates with me and is a key factor in my anxiety. It may be worth exploring this with your GP.

Rest assured you are doing a wonderful job.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs to you. It's really hard going at that stage. My DD was a grump until she could crawl and then she cheered up immensely, every day felt like a right slog. You're doing a good job so don't worry but it might be worth speaking to your GP or HV for advice and support.

Here are my tips:

Medicine - wrap in towel, sit up facing you, syringe down the side of cheek and blow on face to encourage swallowing.

Playing - household things are your friends here - Tupperware, spoons, boxes, gift bags, scarves, some pasta in a bottle to shake, a stick duster thing, bubble wrap, a space blanket. I did buy a set of sensory balls that she loved and still get played with 2 years on. I spent a fair bit of time looking in Poundland and home bargain for random bits I knew she'd like to explore.

Sleep - it's developmental a lot of the time and often something you've just got to endure. I'd try to get out for a sling or buggy walk at least once a day even if it's just for a change of scene but just do whatever you need to.

Hi OP, I echo what the other posters have said, you do sound like a lovely mum. I can sympathise with alot of what you said.

I found it incredibly hard with my first, I am used to revising and doing well. However much I tried swatting up on sleep techniques, routines I could never get my DS into a sleep routine or nap routine until he was ready at about 1year. I read loads of books on gentle parenting and every time he cried it felt like a personal failure. I eventually realised that all babies cry it's just how they communicate, some babies just don't want to follow routines however hard you try and that's ok. Re: Calpol it was a struggle with us too, DS preferred the taste of ibuprofen but sometimes we forced despite the crying, it particularly if he had a temperature and definitely needed it.

I really wanted a second to try and enjoy the baby stage abit more and I am more relaxed this time round although with covid it is super hard and I've realised I am probably never going to enjoy the baby stage that much and trying to make peace with that. It has made it harder not going to groups. So it is really difficult circumstances and you are good enough.

Thank you all so much. For the reassurance and the tips and ideas. It makes everything so much better knowing that there are others in the same boat, feeling the same things and even more so that some of you are the other side of it now with older children and everything is ok!

My 14 year old is wonderful (studious fun etc) she screamed for the first 9 months I was literally in despair. It’s all stages “this too shall pass” but you seriously need to deal with the perfectionist thing it is literally not possible and you might upset yourself

Hi OP,

Congratulations on your DD. You sound like a lovely mum.

My DS is 6.5 months so born just a little after your DD. Having a baby in lockdown is so tough and I totally understand where you're coming from.

We were 20 months TTC and when it happened for us I was SO excited. I had a really idealised view of how my maternity leave would be... baby classes; playgroups; play dates with new mum friends; trips to the library etc... Then Covid happened and none of that was possible. It's just me, DH and DS and endless walks around the park.

Sometimes I get really down about all the things DS is missing out on. I've tried some of the online activities but I always feel it's a poor imitation of what he'd be experiencing in normal times. I'm a perfectionist too and not giving him (what I perceive to be) the best start in life makes me sad.

DS gets very bored too. Here are some of the things that work for us...

Feeding the ducks
Baby Club on BBC iPlayer
Putting on loud music and dancing round the living room
Longer baths with water play
Playing in different rooms - even if he's just rolling around, the change of scene is good
Long walks - on a nice day DH drives us somewhere we've never been within a 10km radius. I take sandwiches for me and a bottle for DS and use Google maps to walk an interesting way home. Again, change of scene is good, as is the exercise.

Please know you're not alone these are tough times. We just have to keep going and things will get better.

Bless you. Must have been such a hard time to have a baby.

But you're doing great. As for "I don’t know how to play with her properly"... 7 month olds can't play really. They're very boring! Just do what you can. I have a 2 year old and it's so much easier to keep them entertained (although still quite boring for me a lot of the time!).

Please don't worry too much about sleep either (as long as you are surviving). I didn't bother about the whole "giving them the tools to sleep" thing, and was worried for a while that I'd missed something really important. But I hadn't. She wasn't great up until about 18 months but now sleeps like a dream - without intervention from us. The most helpful thing someone said to me was "sleep is developmental thing" ie just like talking and walking and using a spoon it's something they learn how to do. You can try and encourage them down the path but it might just be too early for them, and you will end up getting stressed in process.

You're doing just fine. Take care of yourself.

Just want to echo all previous comments! You are doing really well in a tough situation and everything sounds normal. She will be absolutely fine.

I am mum to a 5 and 3 year old and I SO remember that period with my first baby. I felt like there was something I was missing that everyone else knew. None of us know what we're doing, I'm still making it up now and having to find information when one of them starts doing something I don't know what to do with 😁 I have started a lot of panicky mumsnet threads over the years and somehow my two are happy and thriving.

Please tell us a bit more about the sleep. I have really been through the mill with my second DC who wouldn't sleep so may be able to offer a bit of advice x