Newborn, new mum and new loneliness

[Chocchoc88]

Hi all.

I have a 3mo who I adore to pieces. First time mum and was caught up in the adrenaline for the first few weeks, whirlwind of visitors, gifts, sleeping when he sleeps etc!

The past month I’ve found really, really difficult. The baby hasn’t really settled into any sort of proper nap routine and is nowhere near sleeping through the night which I know can be normal etc. But the main thing is I just feel unbelievably lonely.

I can easily go without speaking to another human unless it’s the cashier in a newsagents or when my DP gets in. He’s a complete workaholic and I have told him my feelings but l don’t want to be a whinge when he’s working hard all day. I do try my best to get out everyday but sometimes it’s easier to just sit in, slap the sling on and hunker down. I even cancelled on my mum visiting today I feel that low, so now I feel even worse.

And now with COVID-19, I’ve had the baby massage cancelled, baby sensory and now his swimming - all were attempts to help me out socially! Gutted. Anyone else feel the same level of loneliness during the newborn stage? Xx

It's really hard. I'm a first time mum too and covid cancelling lots of activities etc has made things very different to what I'd expected ... Tough to meet people. Could you find an online group to join?

I know how you feel about finding it difficult to get out everyday, but I think that's really important. Even if it's just for a short walk with baby in the sling. Fresh air can do wonders and it breaks up the day. I find the mornings go quite fast, then the late afternoons can be a bit tricky....

Have you tried the peanut app? You could meet other mums for walks?

It is really tough. I'm in the same boat

A routine will come in time OP, things will get easier. It’s really hard being on mat leave during lockdown I think. Online activities just aren’t the same but if anything is available maybe try to join, at least it’ll give you something to look forward to during the day.
Try to go out for a walk when baby is fussiest if being in sling/pram chills them out. That’s what I used to do around 5/6 pm when DD would winge and I was waiting for DH to get home.
Make sure you take some time for yourself when your other half is home. Have a nice bath and a cup of tea in peace.

I do feel for you. I have an 11 week old and I'm a first time mum. It's not easy being at home all day by yourself. Also, don't be hard on yourself saying you don't want to 'whinge' at your husband. Being a mum is way more than a full time job. I now see that going to work is a break!! I even view doing jobs like the washing up as a break when my husband sometimes takes our DD!! This is THE hardest and best job in the world. I agree with the others that getting out for a walk helps so much.

Maybe try being honest about how you feel with people in your life, like your husband and mum. It's not good to hold onto things.

It will get better xxx

Do you have friends you can speak to? Doesn’t have to be friends with babies etc or even talk of babies- just someone to chit chat with. With so many of us working from home loads of people are missing human contact

Do you have any local Facebook groups because I intermittently see people posting on them in similar situations and asking if anyone wants to meet up for a walk. NCT are also doing walks for new parents in lockdown here.

It is very hard. It's actually a bit easier in that respect with your second because you've got the first to entertain. My sympathies.

I would contact your local NCT branch you don't have to be a member as they should be able to direct you to some support over lockdown.

Why did you cancel your mum's visit?
If you're lonely but avoiding social contact and support, perhaps you are feeling depressed?
Keep an eye on your mental health and talk to the HV. There is support.

Also, you say your partner's a workaholic - how many hours does he work? Did you discuss plans/expectations for working hours before TTC or when pregnant?

Thanks so much for your words/suggestions everyone, I’m weirdly comforted by the fact that I’m not alone!! And yeah I’ll look into a few online groups. Yeah speak to some mates quite regularly over text, the odd phone call etc which are like little pick me ups

Totally know what you mean about washing up as a break 🤣 I’m gonna commit to getting out even with the sling, it’s more for him than me of course but yeah, I’ll make a promise to myself to do that! Xx

@Chocchoc88 that's great to hear. See how you feel after a few regular walks. As another person mentioned, do keep checking on your mental health and speak to your HV/GP if you're feeling really down.

All the best. I'm sure things will begin looking up if you try getting out and about a bit. Xx

Im with you OP. I had my baby in March, a few days into the 1st lockdown. Ive found it so hard. I eas supposed to go swimming with him today too, but it was cancelled.

I go for a walk each morning. Ive found it breaks the day up and the fresh air makes my DS sleepy, so he usually has a good nap afterwards.

You are not alone! I had my first in May and its been a really lonely time. Back when my little one was 3 or 4 months I would get so frazzled by the logistics of getting out to meet people, timing it right with her naps and worrying about breastfeeding in public as I hadn't had much practice. Even when an opportunity to meet up with people came up, I'd feel too overwhelmed to go.

It's really tough. Now my LO is 6 months it's easier as she has 3 predicable naps a day. I take her for at least one pram walk a day and it does my mental health wonders. I'd recommend listening to podcasts when walking too, it keeps your brain engaged.

It's really hard but know you are not alone. Let your partner know how you feel. Work might need to take a back seat for him for a while, he needs to compromise too. And even when you aren't able to meet people in person, pop how you are feeling on here! Sometimes it's just nice to know you're not alone x

Agree that its a good idea to involve your partner in the difficulties you are facing where possible. My DH is a workaholic too and I know how it feels to not want to complain about him working hard, but With my first we agreed he would be home on time one night for me to go to an hour yoga evening class, it sounds so minor but it made an unbelievable difference. Appreciate this is not possible right now, but an online course or an hour to read or go for a walk (if safe) or do what you want might make a difference? Or just to have dinner together?

I could have written this, sending big hugs. I feel exactly the same with a two month old and spend most of my day looking at the same four walls. My HV suggested in the evening write yourself a small list of things to do. Only really small things like shower, brush teeth, brush babies hair... it can help give a little focus and really helps you feel like you’ve achieved something. I really struggle to put my baby down so if I manage to shower (with her in the Moses basket on the bathroom floor ) I feel like we’ve really achieved something and it gives me a little more confidence to try other things. I really know what you mean about it feeling easier to just get on with it and stay put but small bite size goals might just help :)