Having difficulty with my dd

[Mrsandmanbringmeadream]

Sorry, I put this in chat but I actually think it’s probably better placed here:
My dd (14) has been quite upset/annoyed over the last few months because she’s never been abroad. We try and do a uk holiday once a year and I try and do exciting things with her like take her to concerts, take her on shopping days etc. I also do less expensive (but still really nice things) like take her for an ice cream on the beach and have cream teas with her in the garden. We’d love to take her abroad but we can’t really afford to. I think her friends talk a lot about the holidays they’ve all been on. I keep telling her that we’re in the middle of a pandemic and that going on a foreign holiday isn’t really realistic for anyone right now. She keeps bringing up that a girl she knows goes to New York every Xmas and I feel awful telling her that we really can’t afford these things. She gets really mad at me and cried and says says I’m ruining her childhood and that she’s not getting the same opportunities as everyone else. She brings it up every day at the moment. Was just wondering if anyone else has come across this with their kids and if so, how you handled it? Thank you

Tell her to get a job and start saving to have a gap year before uni. And maybe remind her that if she wants to have foreign holidays as an adult she had better study hard now, so she can do a good course at uni and get a good job and be able to afford things like that.

I’d take the same line as PP if she wants something she has to earn it.

Show her to cost!

That's really upsetting for you @Mrsandmanbringmeadream - I'm sorry. I don't have a 14 yo but would suggest that it's worth reminding her about the pandemic right now (I don't know where you live but assuming the UK not hugely feasible to go anywhere right now) and for you to cost out a holiday and show this to her, alongside an explanation of what you have / how you spend your money. Time for her to learn about budgeting I think - hardly a ruined childhood if no holidays abroad are her main gripe, so don't be hard on yourself.

I am 28 and never went away abroad with family. Other than achool trips, my first holiday abroad I paid for and went with a friend and her family for my 21st.
After that, I was 24, and went alone.

It's only since being with DP I've been away abroad regularly; it coincides more with having a full time job and ability to earn extra money with overtime shifts than particularly being with DP.

I agree with PP; she needs to earn money and understand how much it all costs. Ie hours worked vs cost of holidays.

Maybe even sit her down one month, with your salary, the bills and yearly savings you need to make (for christmas, mot etc, however you work your finances) and let her see for herself that money doesnt magically appear to afford her (and obviously you too) a holiday abroad!

If she really wants one could you do it if you cancelled the UK holiday / treats / christmas / birthday presents? Obviously it’s for after the pandemic but take a look at reputable hostelling websites (hostelworld / yha etc) and cost up a no frills overseas break. You can get good family hostels in Paris or Barcelona that cost £10/per person per night (some will even let you stay for free if you offer to make breakfasts etc).

It can be cheaper to go on school trips than a family holiday abroad but unfortunately not possible at the moment

Have a 14 year old daughter. In yr 7 the school offered ski trips away. It was around £900. I told my daughter she could go but only if she was willing to sacrifice birthday and Christmas presents and to do extra jobs for us and grandparents to 'earn' the money. She chose not to go. My parents wanted to pay for it anyway. I refused. Kids have to understand what is realistic and what is possible. We don't have holidays abroad and every Year our own kids come gone and tell us about the amazing foreign holidays their friends had while we went camping. But it simply isn't an option for us and the kids know that. If your daughter is saying this stuff to you the first question I would be asking is how often you've said no to her? Mine would be mortified to hurt us as they understand our situation. We are a team, kids included. My advice is to take a look at the expectations you have given your daughter. Does she believe you have more than you do? Bear in mind our kids have iPads and phones and pretty much anything they ask for in day to day life (ie: daughter wants new pastels for art, the latest plush toy etc) but the flip side is neither of them had any label clothing or foreign holidays. There is a finite amount of money in any family. You set the limit according to what you can afford and you teach them the value of things

Just ignore. She's 14. That's what 14 year olds do. I grew up in California with an Italian mother and we spent every summer in Italy and I remember being a teenager and being super upset that I was being forced to go abroad every summer and why couldn't I just stay in the USA like all my friends!!

Warning, it really doesn't end until they stop being teenagers. My dd is 18 and a champion whiner about all the things I'm depriving her of....(completely ignoring that she's unbelievably privileged compared to her peers). Luckily most of the whining is done by text, so I can just ignore it.

P.S. Somehow it has become my fault that there is a pandemic on that's preventing DD from going to England or Hawaii like she'd planned over the Christmas Holidays

14 year olds literally have to find something to be mad at their parents about, it's compulsory. If it wasn't this it would be something else. I definitely threw the "you're running my childhood/life" out there a few times myself over some pretty superficial thongs, and I grew up going on at least 2 abroad holidays every year. Her friends who go on fancy holidays are moaning at their parents about some other injustice (I used to moan that it was boring we always went to Spain instead of varying our holidays more). I wouldn't give it too much thought.

Toucans, superficial thongs would concern me as a parent too

Mrsandmanbringmeadream
I know some 14 year olds and they seem to have permanent I want mode. At the moment you can't go abroad due to covid. Being honest I think it will be a while before going abroad will be an option for people.
Your daughter is 14 so why don't you tell her that you earn X amount a week or month. Show her all the bills you have to pay and the fact that you have to have money aside to pay if something brakes down or needs to be replaced ie a washing machine. Bring her grocery shopping as well as she is old enough to realise the cost of living and that you have to budget to pay the bills.
I would also advise you to look up Martin Lewis website. He is the financial expert who is on ITV and he website has a lot of information on saving money, good deals ect.
I would also say to your daughter that if she works hard in school and goes to college it will help her get a good job to afford the travel she wants.

I have a 14 year old. We have a mix of British and foreign holidays. The foreign ones were in Europe and we split the cost with my parents, usually, to make it cheaper. It was still a big financial commitment though. My dd goes to school with children who have parents with a much larger disposable income, so it's "next-level" stuff. Easter in New York, two weeks in summer in Japan for example. We could never afford that. She knows we can't.

Because of the pandemic last year's British holiday was cancelled. Luckily we got most of the money back so we are saving it for a foreign holiday next year, if Boris et al will permit it.

I think teens go through a phase of when they were toddlers, wanting everything and not understanding why they aren't getting it. Maybe explain to her in the most general terms how much you have left over each month after bills etc and maybe then she'll understand why it might not be possible to go abroad. I agree with others, motivate her to save money for her own adventure when she's older. It'll teach her the value of hard work, sacrifice and money.

I agree with others that this can be typical teenager behaviour.

When I was a teenager I felt the same way . My family wasn’t struggling but we didn’t have extra money for nice clothing or trips abroad . I made it my life mission to do well in life . I spent my 20’s in school , working , saving and travelling . I wasn’t rich but I lived life to its fullest . I’m now 36, settled down , have a family, a house , a career ( although I’m going back to school next year ) and I honestly think growing up with less motivated me to go for the things in life that mattered to me . I’m still not rich or close to it but I’m happy 😊

You are not ruining her life in the slightest 🤗

I was exactly like your DD - sorry mum! We used to have a week in Devon or the lakes while all my mates were getting tans and snogging boys in Spain. So annoying!

It was partly due to money (in that we didn't have much) and that we had particular circumstances that meant it would have been difficult for us to go. I remember my mum saying "when you're older you can go on whatever holidays you want" so I have done. It's a great motivator. I wouldn't worry too much, she's just being a teenager. If it be wasn't holidays it is would be something else to whinge about.

I wouldn't be too worried about it and all the money in the world wouldn't help right now with international travel banned. Once the lockdown is done, assuming you aren't fussed about going to a specific place it is possible to go abroad for a fairly small amount of money if you get some absurdly cheap flights or coach/ferry on foot and stay in a hostel or other cheap accommodation found on the internet. I would say it is something worth doing, I grew up dirt poor and went abroad only a few times (on the cheap) and they are memories I have to this day and absolutely worth doing.

@finfintytint 😆 that's what happens when you reply during a 4am feed!

We've had this conversation! Have pointed out we don't have the income. Have let the teens have input into our UK holiday destination (couple of options which did they prefer) and dates (given choice of 2 weeks which did they prefer to be away). Have also pointed out what they enjoyed last year and how "abroad" doesn't necessarily mean brilliant holiday

I’m going to be annoying here and say that while you sound like a nice mum, ice cream on the beach is great fun for an 8 year old but your DD is now 14. Perhaps part of the problem is that you’re treating her like a younger child.
A holiday abroad may stretch you financially but with some research and saving it could be cheaply done.
She’ll be gone in another 4 years, and yes, she can then go wherever she wants once she earns it. But wouldn’t it be great if her first memory of being abroad could be with you?

I have a lot of sympathy for your daughter tbh, being the "poor kid" when your friends have and do a lot more can be embarrassing and upsetting. Maybe talk to her more about how she feels, sympathise, explain, motivate her to do better for herself?

I do agree that some abroad holidays can be cheaper than UK holidays. Have you considered camping holidays or hostels? If you're not picky about the destination then there are tonnes of places you can fly to for less than the cost of a train ticket, or you could drive to France/Belgium/The Netherlands if you have a car.

Also, when I wanted to go to New York as a teenager my mum took me as a joint Christmas and birthday present for my 16th. NY might be completely out of budget for you, but could you take her away somewhere in Europe just the two of you for a few days and consider it all of her presents for that year. It probably wouldn't cost much more than you'd spend on her anyway?

Sounds typical teen behaviour.

That said, why not twist it round and plan a holiday, even if in reality it’s for 8 years time when she’s got a job. You could research destinations together, plan a budget and savings, hostels etc. Even if it never happens it could be a fun thing to do together. Imagine taking her on a backpacking trip around Europe when she’s 17. At least then she’ll have something to tell her friends.