I don't like sharing my baby

[ASomers]

Does anyone feel the same? My DD is 10 weeks old and I struggle when anyone else holds her. We only let grandparents hold her due to covid but I don't like when they come round and there's an expectation to pass her round. I sit watching and itching to take her back. I have an overwhelming feeling that she's mine. She grew inside me and now that she's in the world, everyone wants a piece of her. I find that it's a personal struggle to balance everyone's expectations and I feel saddened that she'll become 'less mine' as she gets bigger. I know that she needs to grow up and become independent. I hope I'm not alone here!

YANBU...I was exactly the same with all of mine. Drives me mad when they start crying and annoying relatives try bouncing them up and down for ten mins trying to get them to stop screaming. I would stand there saying "they want fed" only to be ignored. I'd have to say again and "I'll take him, he wants fed!". I think the feeling wore off after about 6 months but as pps said newborns wouldn't be snatched off their mothers if they were animals. I'd be so relieved when they'd be asleep and no one would touch them. I'd be even worse about people holding them during Covid times. Or people kissing them! Makes me so mad. I'd never kiss someone else's baby. Hopefully passes for you too.

Different when they're older totally happy for them to have relationships with family...just newborn phase I'm talking about.

God I loved it when people held my babies !!!

My friend was like that. It was embarassing. Shes 3 now and very clingy and needy and spoilt. Shes made a rod for her own back as the child only wants mummy.

I have tried to do this but she cries with anyone else but me, including her father. It stresses me too much to listen to her crying so much...

Don't you think allowing her father to build that bond that meant he could comfort her would be a gift to her?

Both mine were incredibly close to their father from birth, but that was because I accepted that they needed the same time to get to know him as to get to know me, and that he was going to be an equally important person in their lives.

Again, looking at it with hindsight, it wasn't about what made me happy: it was about that knowledge of a bond that wasn't about me, but about the two of them.

The relationship to their own dad is something quite different from even the most loving of grandparents. With dh I really felt I had no right to exclude him any more than he had a right to exclude me. We were both parents.

As a matter of fact, in the early days dh was often better at soothing dd than I was. Does that mean he should have snatched her from me and not let me try?

Again, when ds was born, dh did more of the early caring (nappy changes, bathing etc) as I was not very well. Does that mean he should have taken charge as the expert and not let me get used to it on my own?

My own dad is now nearing the end of his life. But 20 years ago, when I came home from hospital after my caesarean and lay in bed watching him change his grandson's nappy and help to care for him, I knew that 30 years earlier those hands had cared for me. And when he is gone, my son will still remember how close he was to his granddad, and I will keep telling him how he was there and cared for him and gave him love when he was a tiny baby. We have photographs and I cherish them.

No OP ... I literally LOVED it... could have a shower, make a cuppa, get away from being attached to her for half an hour...

I can so relate to @corythatwas and also @nimbuscloud

@corythatwas she does have a relationship with her dad and I give them every opportunity. I never 'snatch' her away from him at all. However, she usually will cry and he struggles to settle her. Of course it's a learning process and they're still getting to know each other and bond. I'm just explaining that it's a real struggle to watch her crying with other people. You instinctively want to take them back. Also she does have relationships with her grandparents. I make massive efforts to keep them all involved. I do allow them to hold her and bond with her. I'm just explaining my inner turmoil and struggles when she's with other people.

@seedbomb she does have a relationship with her grandparents. I'd never ever stop that and keep her just to myself. That would be very selfish. I'm just explaining that it can be very hard to pass a baby round or watch your baby crying with someone else. It's instinctive to want to take them back.

@crocodilefondue exactly! I never had any interest in other people's babies! I'd never say no to a puppy though haha!

I felt (feel) the same as you did OP - I've had a few mc's and after 15 months of TTC and negative fertility results showing we would almost certainly never "naturally" get pregnant, I got my BFP. Fast forward to having her and my mother instinct kicked in and all I want to do is protect her.

I think how you're feeling is completely normal, you're still in the fourth trimester, of course baby still needs you! My baby was passed round like it was pass the parcel, and I felt so much more upset when there was a reluctance to pass her back to me, when she clearly needed me. It's not okay (in my opinion) to let her scream in someone else's arms just for the sake of letting them hold her.

I've seen a comment above about a spoilt baby - I personally don't agree with this, and I don't believe I'm making a rod for my own back. I'm using gentle parenting (and occasionally co sleep) in the hopes that my daughter feels safe and secure with me, and she will learn to be independent in her own time rather than me forcing her to go to other people when she isn't ready to. I'd rather my daughter know that of course if she's upset I'm going to be there to give her a cuddle! No one has a "right" to hold a baby, and FWIW my daughter loves her Aunties even though they've barely seen her in person due to COVID. Have trust in yourself, you know what's best for your baby - if you aren't comfortable I wouldn't try and force yourself to be.. they grow up so quickly you'll miss all of the cuddles!!

@laramacleopardprint totally agree. I've had times where my baby is crying and my MIL will pass her to my FIL to comfort her... Or people will try bouncing her around to get her to settle. It's hard because you know your baby best and what they want.

I think I was the opposite as I loved people holding DS which meant I got a break. I had a traumatic birth and aches everywhere for several weeks plus I bf which meant each session took min 45 mins which made my tail bone ache from sitting for so long but I was also bonding through bf anyway. After each feed, I would give the baby to someone who wanted to hold him and told them to burp him and rub his back upright which meant I got a break to stretch my legs.

I don't get the obsession with holding other people's babies and never felt comfortable with mine being passed around and would take them back if they cried or I wanted to.

You can't spoil a baby cuddling them, but that doesn't mean everyone should be holding a baby all the time. And at 10 weeks they are so tiny and still in that 4th trimester stage where they just want their mum.
Sometimes it's nice to have someone close around so you can shower/sleep/eat with both hands, but it should always be what you and the baby are happy with.

Its good to set clear boundaries, eg. Yes you are welcome to hold the baby when offered or asked but don't grab them or refuse to let go, If the baby cries it's for the parents to decide what happens.

@seedbomb don't be ridiculous, noone is talking about locking their child away from grandparents and never letting them bond. Newborns don't need or want anyone but their parents (mostly mum tbh) and the passing round is for other people's benefit only

I've had times where my baby is crying and my MIL will pass her to my FIL to comfort her... Or people will try bouncing her around to get her to settle. It's hard because you know your baby best and what they want.

Not true for me though.

I felt resentment that everyone was happy to hold the baby when they were smiling / laughing, but then handed them over as soon as there was any work to be done.

We are all different.

Don't seethe silently - talk to people.

I felt the same. 10 weeks is tiny! Mine's 11 months now and it's only in the last couple months that I've felt comfortable with other people taking him for more than a short time. My MIL used to just snatch him out of my arms without asking or warning me, and I found it really unsettling. She also gave him solid food when he was 4 months old, and when I asked her not to, dismissed me saying "oh it's just a few bites, it doesn't really count" I found it was when people didn't respect me as DS's parent that it made me feel extra possessive / protective of him. But also it's natural to feel very protective when they're tiny! Be gracious about offers of help but set the boundaries that you need right now and adjust them as you feel able - it does get easier to let them go as they get older, but do it in your own time.

I felt the same, my inlaws practically snatched ds from my arms the morning after we came home & every time I asked for him back refused to hand him over. They were very overbearing, all the family & this affected my relationship with them even before I got divorced.

I don’t mind others holding my 13 week old so much - not that many have just DH’s mum and my two sisters, and it hasn’t been that often as we went into tier 3 so haven’t really been seeing people lately.

But I do think it’s very normal and understandable.

I have found though that DH has repeatedly suggested that I sleep in the spare room and he’ll do a full night when I’m tired and I just can’t do it - the thought of sleeping away from her just seems impossible no matter how shattered I am! And similarly he’ll often offer to take her out for a few hours or take her to his parents (in the brief spell between local lockdowns that that was allowed) and I just keep saying I’m not ready. I am going to have to get over it at some point, I really thought I’d be the first to be insisting on him doing an equal share and getting some ‘me time’ back asap but it hasn’t worked out like that.

I HATED my baby being passed around and when the pil tried to soothe him when screaming, just bloody give me my baby back. They’ve had there turn raising there own kids , or I got comments “ your breastfeeding again” “how do you know when he needs to be fed” umm pretty much whenever they cry it’s a newborn baby. I had exact same feelings as you overwhelming feelings that he is mine and everyone wants a cuddle and to try and take him away from me. did you have a traumatic birth? I did and I think that was part of it.

@LunaLula83

What a load of bollocks.
I felt the same as this poster, my baby also preferred me over dad when tiny, we co slept and breastfed too, he is now nearly 2 and the most independent unclingy child, he’s so confident and will socialise with anyone. Newborns need to be with there mum they’ve been inside our stomachs for nearly a year. They don’t need to be passed around like a toy for everyone’s enjoyment while the mother sits there anxious aching inside when her baby cries , tits leaking everywhere, too emotionally weak from
birth to stand up for herself and say give me my baby back.