I cant look after/pay attention to my toddler and newborn, im failing them both!

[LMcmahon]

I have a nearly 3 year old and an 8 week old.

I dont understand how people do it! How do you look after 2 children?!

My 8 week old baby just wont let me put him down, hes either in my arms, or screaming the house down. All day. Relentlessly. I can make my peace with this, hes only a tiny baby after all, but how do you look after your eldest when the baby takes up all your time?

I dont have time to clesn the house, eat, or play with my eldest, i just throw food his way or the tablet and he gets left to it. He knows im always with baby and wants my attention (fair enough), therefore he plays up, whinges and shouts at me all day! I get so stressed as i desperately want to be a good mother but either the baby is finally asleep in my arms and im constantly telling my eldest to be quiet and not wake him, or i put baby down and and he immediately sceams so loud i cant hear myself think so have to pick him back up and abandon whatever it was that i was trying to do with my eldest. Neither is getting proper care from me as i just dont understand how to split myself in half and look after them both. I feel like im failing them both and neither is fetting adequate parenting. And therefore im stressd and grumpy all day too.

My question is, how do you do it? What do you do with the eldest when the baby is screaming for hours on end?!

Many people find slings helpful?
It must be really frustrating for you.

Not quite the same age gap but I had a newborn and a 4 year old. I did a month of lockdown solo as DH was away for work. Get a sling. The newborn will be entirely happy and will sleep. If breastfeeding you can usually jiggle it a bit and they can feed in there. Vacuuming with the baby in the sling always got mine to sleep.

In terms of the 3 year old, manage the expectations. I found timers/eggtimers worked really well. So "you go and play with your lego until the beep goes and then we will [insert activity here]". Long walks with sling and 3 year old.work well - just make sure you've all got waterproofs!

Housework: vacuum with baby in sling (see above). Do the things you need to do for hygiene i.e. put bleach in loos, wipe surfaces with spray etc. Sod the dusting and the ironing. If you have a partner, they load/unload dishwasher/washing machine or hold baby when you want to do it. Try and save some jobs for when 3 year old is in bed and you are only dealing with one child.

Another thing that really helped was moving our big hot meal to midday and just having a light meal in the evening. Gave me less to do when I was tired in the evening.

When you want a shower, if you can get a rocking baby swing, it's really useful so that baby goes down without too much upset. Ask the 3 year old to entertain baby while you watch from the shower - DS1 is now a pro at making his brother laugh!

Finally - no-one is going to die if you use readymeals for a few months whilst you find your way.

Hope that helps - my two are 5 and 11 months now and it is SO different. You're doing the hardest bit - it gets easier.

Sling libraries probably won't be lending but lots of them do online consultations and you can get a feel for what sort of aling you want/need.

I don't have two but did have a very clingy baby and a dog... Slings/carriers for most activities and also a vibrating rocker chair, helps with constipation and also settling them when they aren't on you so win/win in my book.

Same situation, echo above get a carrier of some kind. Also my son started really rebelling when I was telling him to keep quiet during nap, so one day I just stopped. Baby didn't wake and he made less noise because he was aloud the make noise lol! Also a longggg walk with baby in carrier. I just go to loads of parks to keep it interesting for my toddler and it passes loads of time! You can get covers for baby to keep them dry. Remember survive don't thrive. Ready meals. Bathe when toddler in bed.

Have you spoken to anyone about the baby needing to either be held or constantly scream - are they feeding, could there be a reason beyond just wanting to be held? I decided with my 2nd the world couldn't revolve around her and breastfeeding couldn't take all our time as it had first time around. DD had a bottle at night after a month or so which should have meant in the morning she had a good quality feed. I found I couldn't put her down between 7 and 10am when she was about 2 months so started giving her a bottle for that first feed as well. From the day I gave it to her she slept between feeds and no longer required my undivided attention for those 3 hours in the morning.

We found a Bumbo quite good so she could sit on the floor with DS & I while playing - she was closer to what was happening and probably felt more involved.

I was lucky my youngest was a pretty chill baby. But the toddler was manic. Lots of safe places to put the baby down so I could run to toddler. We had a swing that she loved, so I could strap her into that and switch it on and she’d hang out there and go to sleep. I also felt like I was ignoring her a lot, but it was best to let her cry for a few min and get the toddler settled, fed, nappy change, tv on whatever, than have him roaming around while I was feeding the baby.

Double buggy so toddler could be strapped in when needed (he was a runner). And yes the sling was invaluable. Meant I could be hands free and still carry the baby. Aimed to get out and tire out toddler every morning and then he’d nap/chill after lunch and then it was just tv and survive for a few hours til daddy got home to help.

DH was in charge of a lot of the household stuff. Many takeaways for dinner, and chicken nuggets for toddler. Too much screen time.

The things that saved me were sadly things that now aren’t easy for new parents. 2 days a week nursery, play dates, soft play etc. I’m sure it’s extremely difficult to do it all completely alone

They’re 5 and 3 now and although we have good days and bad, it’s a million times easier than the newborn toddler days

This bit is soooo hard, but it does pass.

Agree with talking to HV about the baby crying so much just in case they have any thoughts.

I used to sit on the floor a lot at this stage. I had a 23 month age gap and it was just easier. Me being down at his level just helped DS1 to feel I was ‘present’.

Try and get out of the house everyday if you can. Do you have decent waterproofs?

It does get better, you’re not failing them. This bit is hard and the jugging two is hard, but it gets easier.

I had a newborn and a 15 month old and I do look back and think HOW did I do it. I spent a lot of time out walking- baby would sleep in the buggy and toddler was happy looking around and with a quick run around a playground. Otherwise a sling for at home, baby will hopefully snooze and you can prepare food/play with toddler

DS2 was in a sling for the entire first year of his life.

If you don't have one, get a sling, it will allow you to do everything you've listed that you can't currently do.

What helped me was not being too fussy about everything being right for the baby, trying to focus that little bit more on the toddler. Also trying to make feeding times & nappy times an opportunity for reading or singing or talking to the toddler. The baby won't care if you're telling somebody else a story as long as it gets fed.

Also what autumnboys said about doing baby things so that you were physically on a level with the toddler.

We had this game where we climbed into the bed (I had a caesarean so wasn't very mobile) and the bed became a car, baby brother was the driver and big sister was in charge of the route and told us where to drive.

We had a 13 month age gap. And a very difficult baby second time around. A sling was our lifesaver!

Buy a dummy and a white noise app for the baby and watch endless episodes of Paw Patrol with the eldest.

My eldest was Satan's screaming baby. Turns out he had bad reflux. I'd take your youngest to the GP to get him some help.

@LMcmahon: I remember this feeling so clearly. At around the same point I walked into the Health Visitor's clinic, burst into tears and wailed: "I'm a terrible parent and I'm failing them both!!

I wasn't. I'm not. You're aren't and won't either. This is such a tough stage - newborns are basically tiny, needy little animals, and three year olds are basically goblins - but it will pass, and it will get easier. In the meantime, I promise you are doing better than you think. Make "everyone fed, nobody dead" and go a bit easier on yourself. I can also promise you that the things you are currently beating yourself up over, they won't even remember.

Take heart, brave warrior. This too shall pass.

Gosh, this is such a tough time. Get the baby to 18 months and you will be laughing. Agree with pp that feeding the baby/ holding the baby can be the perfect time to read with the 3 year old. Also walks to the leaves or postbox (take junk mail for the eldest to post) anywhere gets you out of the house and the eldest getting attention. At weekends get your partner to hold the baby and allow you to focus fully on the eldest. It does have to be for long but real focus on them is good. The baby as long as fed, safe and warm will be happy in arms whereas the eldest will want you.
Re house work keep it simple there is no one judging you and honestly it will all still be there when it's over.

I put baby in pram or sling and took older(who was 2.2 when baby born) to the park, on a bus ride, to a soft play etc