What would you do?
My current circumstance is I live in an upstairs 2 bedroom flat (Tyneside flat if you know what that is), with my husband, two sons and nicely growing baby bump (baby expected in May). We have a good size living room, average size bathroom and one bedroom is a lovely size. However, the kitchen is tiny (wall to wall 2.5 x 2m), you cant fit more than one person in the kitchen at a time, we have utilised the space well for counter space but cooking for a family can be difficult at times, no room for a dishwasher or clothes dryer. The other bedroom also doesn’t have enough room to swing a cat (2.7 x 2m), if you have a single bed you struggle to open the door fully! We have a generous outside space but its not secure, and you certainly can’t let children play out in it. Opening the kitchen door and letting the children play is not an option, we have steep dangerous back steps and there’s no gates which means the children could run onto the road, not to mention the rocks/debris etc. We have a slight mould problem, mould grows in the corners of the rooms in the winter, it has got better with using a dehumidifier and constant scrubbing but it does worry me when it appears – the constant drying of washing doesn’t help – but I have to dry my washing! Getting in and out of the house is a nightmare, steep set of steps and a tiny space to put on shoes – when also carrying a baby in a car seat, it can be quite taxing on the back. In general I always feel like I am playing tetris to get anything out, I have dramatically cut back on belongings, and the kids have plenty of toys all organised but its really difficult getting anything out – there’s no where for shoes, coats, towels, the wardrobes and drawers are bursting to the seams and everything seems to get disorganised quickly even though I am on top regularly of sorting things through.
Personally, I don’t like the house, although I feel this isn’t a ‘logical’ or ‘rational’ emotion, which I am not sure is because it isn’t or because my husband tells me this, I intensely dislike living here. My husband had this place before I moved in, in arguments which he has later admitted he says in temper, he always states how this house is his (even though I am on the mortgage now) and its made me feel like I don’t belong here, that this isn’t my home and it makes me hate it. I feel he has some weird personal desire with this property, like it is his last sense of freedom before he met me and had a family and sometimes I think he is reluctant to move on because if he does, that last piece is gone.
My oldest son is currently sleeping in the smaller bedroom and my youngest son sleeps in a room with me, my husband is a light sleeper and sleeps in the living room. He works full time and long hours (he is bread winner) so I appreciate he needs his sleep – can I add I work 30 hours a week too, and I deal with the kids on my own most nights after work. As you have to walk through the living room to get to the kitchen, it means I don’t have access to a kitchen when he goes to bed. He wants both of my sons to move into the smallest bedroom in bunk beds, which I have completely refused, I cant see how my sons could live in such a small space and be comfortable as, not only is it a bedroom but its also where all of their toys are kept. This means, when the baby is born, I have no idea where any of the babies stuff will go but he says I can go in the box room and the boys can have my bedroom. I just think, we are absolutely stuck for space as it is, babies come with equipment, and although I don’t tend to use much equipment, we need space and I am worried I will go completely insane.
We could afford to move.. however my husband wont move house, he says that we are looking at one of the biggest depressions in history and we would be stupid to move now as house prices are going to fall dramatically and we would be left with a high mortgage and a property which is essentially nothing. He cant give me a timeframe of when he would move either – could be next year, could be 5 years time – who knows!
So, I have expressed this to my parents, who have offered me two decent sized rooms at their 4 bedroom detached house, with extremely large kitchen/diner, 2 reception rooms – again the garden isn’t something the children could play out in as they have chickens but there’s a large field to the side of the house, so outside space is easy accessible.
Sounds perfect right? Just move there until husband wants to move?
There’s obviously a catch, infact several of them –
My brother still lives at my parents, he has aspergers and he sometimes struggles with the commotion of the kids, he loves them dearly but as you know, children aren’t always the best behaved, and with 3 kids, I am not expecting peace and quiet. I think he will really struggle with the noise, he has sleep problems, depression and anxiety – this may sound selfish on my behalf but I am not sure if that’s a good idea for my kids to be around that also. He regularly sends messages to my mam saying how pointless his life is and how he is existing and not living, on a few occasions he has wanted to end his life, not sure if he has made any attempt to do so.
My mam and dad are also coming up to 60, my mam also has high blood pressure and pre diabetes, although she’s following a strict diet at the moment and seems to be in better health than she has in a while, I worry that the stress of me and 3 kids in her house permanently might send her under. Surely when your 60 you expect to be living the quiet life? If I am there on my own, I am likely to need their help so I will be relying on them, and that is a lot of pressure. Both of my parents work full time as teachers. The only other thing is they really like their wine on occasions – I have a bad relationship with alcohol and although not drinking at the moment (obviously), when I do drink I am not a good mother or person.
My husband isn’t keen on their parenting style either, although they are the most amazing grandparents, that is exactly what they are and if I move in there will be a lot of contact and they will become almost like second parents - although I can be guilty of this too, but they sometimes get too much screen time there, too many sweets that sort of thing, which is fine when seeing grandparents but not on a regular basis. They are ridiculously soft with them and there are no boundaries – my husband can be quite the harsh opposite, so I feel sometimes I cant win at all!
I just don’t know what to do, I feel like I will suffer continuing to live here and the children don’t have space the flourish, move around and play. My alternative has lovely surroundings but it’s a big risk moving to my parents with the ‘catches.’ My husband was really upset when I suggested moving to my parents, (he threatened a divorce if I moved at one point and said he would take my children off me (really angry!!)) he doesn’t think that it will have a good effect on them but fails to see the problems we have staying here – he cant even sympathise, give any inclination how we can work through it together, he just thinks I am stupid and ungrateful for not appreciating what I have – I do appreciate what I have, but I strive for more? Is that so wrong?
I also have a deadline, my oldest son starts school in September so I need to apply for schools, obviously if I move to my parents – so I move his school there? Or keep his school near the home we have now?
So many decisions, not sure I can see clearly and some advice on what you would do would be grateful. I want to make the right choice – do I suck it up here and wait for husband to move? Which could be years? Or do I up sticks and move out because the living conditions aren’t suitable and I have the option?
(I cant afford to move anywhere on my own on a maternity wage so please don’t suggest that)
Thank you for reading x