Is this abusive?

[littleloopylou]

My ex was not nice to me, but he never laid a hand on me. He has always been impatient and dismissive with our 4 year old DD.

The last few days, DD has repeatedly told me about how Daddy "forces" her to brush her teeth.

I asked her a few questions about it the first time ("How does he force you?") and she said "By the neck," then demonstrated grabbing around the neck.

Today she brought it up again and she demonstrated that he jabbed at her Adam's apple or the hollow of her throat. But then she demonstrated a motion that could be more along the lines of restraining by the neck. She emphasised how hard he grips her neck.

Interested to know if others consider this abuse and what they recommend as a way forward.

Why does she need to be forced to brush her teeth? Are you sure he’s not just brushing her teeth himself (explains the motions) and perhaps not realising he’s holding her too hard? Or is she wriggling around refusing to have her teeth brushed so he’s clamping her in place and being too rough out of anger (which could be abusive)? I agree children should be listened to, so try and get more of what’s happening from your DD.
Then decide if you want to bring it up with your ex how teeth brushing goes. Since there is no history of abuse, I’d try and find out more because it’s definitely concerning.

He didn't hit you. That's not the same as not having abused you. Did he abuse you?

A 4 year old is much smaller and easier to use force on than an adult woman. A child also lacks the power to remove herself from the situation so is an easier target.

I also agree that it is important that you listen to what your daughter is telling you. I'm fairly sure the NSPCC has an advice line you could call.

What you do next is important. Take proper advice.

@PlanDeRaccordement She used the word "force" like it's the official word for the act. I assume he threatened to force her and then did it.

He was (is) emotionally abusive to me, but he is very clever so it is all indefinable cruelty that wouldn't really register as abuse without a lengthy explanation.

My concern is that this would be a similar situation. I am sure he would never smack her, but he might be cruel in more subtle ways that are easily explained away.

I will consider calling the NSPCC line. It's a very delicate situation.

In isolation, i wouldn't be concerned by this. Kids have to have their teeth brushed, it's non-negotiable, and if you've got a kid who fucks about and doesn't want to brush their teeth, you do have to hold them down and force them. It's not unusual at all.

If she used the word "force" then I recommend calling them for advice. There are usually better methods to help children clean their teeth than physical force (e.g a tooth brushing song, or non-mint toothpaste for example). If you have doubt, that feeling's there for a reason. x

@Ohalrightthen In isolation, I can see that it might be possible to become frustrated and restrain a child reasonably. DD is actually very annoying and stubborn a lot of the time, and I'm sure she will have tried her patience.

I think that my history with my ex, as well as seeing how dismissive he always has been with her, causes me to worry quite a bit about how he is treating her when I'm not there to intervene or protect her.