Disappointing grandparents

[tiredmumsclub1]

Hi, does anyone else have this issue becoming parents? We were promised the earth during pregnancy, particularly from my own parents who offered 2days of childcare, and without explanation this offer was retracted shortly after my LG was born. I am finding that now she has become a toddler they are wanting to spend even less time with us, despite having an abundance of free time themselves to socialise and do other things. I know they are not obliged to help us but when promised I can't help but feel disappointed. It is made worse by the fact my own grandparents were v hands on, so I have these ideas of how things "should" be. They also have an adult child living with them who they clean up after, do laundry for etc, who has no reason to need all this extra help. We are grateful to have them just down the road and they are always v generous with their money and often buying gifts for my LG, I just wish they were more generous with their time. I am starting to feel bitter and resentful about it, particularly towards my own sister who gets so much support off them despite not having any children. I don't know if anything can be gained from raising the issue ? Anyone in same boat? X

I see both sides.

Did you have children when you did because you thought they would provide care?

Redundant question for me to answer as both my parents have passed but I tend to think if family up the road can’t help out then I would be unwilling to go out of way to help them as they get elderly.

I would say not many people want to look after a toddler- possibly a bit naive on your side there OP- toddlers are hell at the best of times.

I understand OP. I became a single parent when my dc were 2, 4 and 6 and I was poor and struggling for childcare. My mum didn’t help, not once. She didn’t even come to see me for a cup of tea when I was feeling down. We are in a good place now and my teens aren’t in the slightest bit interested in her.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I see both sides.

Did you have children when you did because you thought they would provide care?

Redundant question for me to answer as both my parents have passed but I tend to think if family up the road can’t help out then I would be unwilling to go out of way to help them as they get elderly.

I would say not many people want to look after a toddler- possibly a bit naive on your side there OP- toddlers are hell at the best of times.

Very true! My conscience won't allow myself to not take care of my own parents when they're older... that's not to say I won't feel resentful about it though And yes, looking after toddlers is such hard work, I think I'd underestimated this. They were similar when she was a baby, though there was some "newborn fever" when she was first born!

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

I understand OP. I became a single parent when my dc were 2, 4 and 6 and I was poor and struggling for childcare. My mum didn’t help, not once. She didn’t even come to see me for a cup of tea when I was feeling down. We are in a good place now and my teens aren’t in the slightest bit interested in her.

That must have been so hard I can't even imagine how you must have felt going through that! It sounds like karma has kicked in though. Is the feeling mutual from your mum? Does she want more of a relationship now kids grown up?

No she’s still completely self absorbed. It’s quite painful sometimes as my partner has 2 dc and his parents adore them and are constantly on FaceTime chatting to them. My mum has no interest and does nothing about from sending money for Christmas and birthdays and a flying visit once or twice a year where she ignores the dc! She bought my 13 year old a colouring book for her birthday that was clearly for a much younger child. I’ve just had to accept that is who she is.

My conscience won't allow myself to not take care of my own parents when they're older... that's not to say I won't feel resentful about it though

That's really big of you. After all, they did absolutely nothing whatsoever in raising you for... how many years was it??? It's only your conscience that gets in the way of possibly helping them, if they need it, when they get older. You sound like a real prize!

Perhaps, just perhaps, they let their excitement run away with them, but faced with the reality of the energy and focus that childcare takes they realised that it was going to be too much for them. after all, they have put in plenty of years of that already. Perhaps, having done so, they value the time to do other things.

You sound terribly judgemental. You think you have an entitlement to free childcare from your parents... you object to the support your sibling gets from them... What your opinion of how things "should" be is just that. Your opinion and only your opinion. There is no "should" about it. And you feel bitter and resentful because people aren't doing what you want them to? Have you considered that the problem here is not your parents or your sibling, but you?

Have you asked for any help? Maybe they just assume you don't need anything? What would happen if you said "could you possibly take dd for a day next week/weekend so I can sort the house/go for a hair appt/ have a break?" Perhaps it's just a breakdown in communication.

@Moondust001

My conscience won't allow myself to not take care of my own parents when they're older... that's not to say I won't feel resentful about it though

That's really big of you. After all, they did absolutely nothing whatsoever in raising you for... how many years was it??? It's only your conscience that gets in the way of possibly helping them, if they need it, when they get older. You sound like a real prize!

Perhaps, just perhaps, they let their excitement run away with them, but faced with the reality of the energy and focus that childcare takes they realised that it was going to be too much for them. after all, they have put in plenty of years of that already. Perhaps, having done so, they value the time to do other things.

You sound terribly judgemental. You think you have an entitlement to free childcare from your parents... you object to the support your sibling gets from them... What your opinion of how things "should" be is just that. Your opinion and only your opinion. There is no "should" about it. And you feel bitter and resentful because people aren't doing what you want them to? Have you considered that the problem here is not your parents or your sibling, but you?

It's obviously not the only reason I'd be helping my parents in their old age.

But this is a time in my life when I really could do with some support. Someone who could help me when I'm unwell and DH at work, someone who could just pop over when you're having a bad day... but that support is not available to us. Even in emergencies. I am allowed to feel this way and to be sad about it, I don't think it makes me a bad person.

Lolz @Moondust001 Calm down - you sound so angry!

And are jumping to heaps of conclusions 😂

We are not entitled to have to care for our parents when they are elderly - it’s a nice thing to do but not a must! You can’t have a child and then assume their job is to look after you when you are old!

Her parents Offered the childcare - the poster didn’t ask for it! And then it was withdrawn

It’s the grandparents loss though I feel - I was so close with my nana - but I never see my other granny as she was distant, wanted little to do with us - I’m an adult now and I’ve not seen her in years to be honest !

We were promised the earth during pregnancy, particularly from my own parents who offered 2days of childcare, and without explanation this offer was retracted shortly after my LG was born.

Have you asked them about this, about why they appear to have stepped back? It might be that they felt 'obliged' to offer, or that something e.g. health is stopping them.

It is made worse by the fact my own grandparents were v hands on, so I have these ideas of how things "should" be.

Could be. Not should.

I feel for you OP, and understand your disappointment.

My parents were very hands-on with our children throughout their childhoods, teenage years and now as young adults. Now they are elderly and it is lovely seeing how much their grandchildren care for them - the bond is very precious.

No doubt several posters will say you shouldn't expect anything from your parents, they're your children, your responsibility etc.....and all that is true; but I can't understand people who don't want to help their children when they themselves become parents.

My husband and I are now grandparents and being with our grandchildren is one of the highlights of our life.

No advice as such but try not to let it make you bitter and resentful - easier said than done, I know. Perhaps in time things will change - I hope so.

What kind of mother were were you when the baby was born?

My sister wanted her baby to follow strict routines and had a big list of what was and wasn't allowed, funnily enough grandparents found it too much and so didn't look after DN much.

My brothers first child was a nightmare - cried all the time, was very colicky and so again completely scared my parents who at There age just couldn't cope

How old are your parents OP? Are they in good health?

We had similar when the dcs were born from MIL. she babysat for 3 hours once a month, every time I came home she was sat in the window with her coat on, desperate waiting to go home to cook SILs dinner, SIL was 33...
Now SIL has her own kids and her MIL and the rest of family are at her beck and call...

Sometimes life just isn't fair

Of course it's disappointing. Yes, you're not to entitled to help and childcare but, given how rich and rewarding intergenerational relationships can be for both grandparents and grandchildren, no one can blame you for being a little bit sad. Also, that your parents, who you assumed would have your back, actually aren't there for you in your time of need, even if it's just popping in for coffee to keep you company.

I think it's so sad. My parents did nothing to help when my two were small. I was a SAHM so didn't need childcare but maybe take one for a walk while i dealt with the other (2 close in age) or bring them up to their house for an hour or two. I was absolutely drowning and they had all the time in the world. I can’t imagine not helping my kids out when they become parents. There's nothing to be done other than accept it and feel sad about it.

Definitely try to chat to them about it, in a non-confrontational way. You never know, there might be a misunderstanding at the heart of it all: maybe your mum doesn’t want to be seen as interfering, or there could be a practical issue or health concern that you don’t know about. Many years ago, when I first left home, I was upset that my Mum didn’t pop round ever or call me first - and all the while she was thought I wanted my own space to be independent so was waiting politely for a specific invitation and trying not to smother me!

I'm in the same position OP and I find it really sad.

I know people on here always say that it's not the responsibility of our parents to provide care for our children. And I do agree with that. But I know a lot of people who DO seem to get so much support from their own parents when they have kids. Taking them overnight so they can have a night off/lie in, providing free childcare or help with drop offs/pick ups, doing cleaning or ironing. I even know people whose parents moved closer so that they could help with the grandchildren. I can't help but be envious of that.

Honestly, I know grandparents have no obligation to help, but I think it's so sad for all parties when children don't have that bond with their extended family. I have tried absolutely everything with my MIL to be a more involved grandparent. She came to my house one year before Xmas (after dh picked her up and was going to give her a lift home) with Christmas presents for my niece and nephew but none for my children. When FIL died she was absolutely vile to DH, telling him he was a mistake, unwanted and FIL never loved him like his other sons (FIL and DH were very close). So now we haven't fell out but we don't make any effort. So now she hasn't seen the children for over a year, sends no birthday wishes/cards- even though she knows when there birthdays are (even if she didn't, she would see it on Facebook and could send a late card or a message asking us to see her). She lives 20 mins away. I'm sad for my children they don't have that bond with their grandmother but it was toxic on her part. We had her for Christmas before, we have gone and been the bigger person with Mother's Day presents, birthday presents too many times and each time met with spiteful and hurtful comments. I have a great relationship with my SIL so my children get to see their cousins, but I yearn for that grandmotherly relationship from MIL

All my grandparents were dead before I was born and my own parents were not involved very much as grandparents to my children.

So I have arrived at the point where I might become a grandparent myself with no set idea of what it "should" be like, as I have so little experience of it. But I know my DH & I are not interested in providing childcare on a regular basis. We love all our DDs but one of them was very ill for about a decade, so we had to look after her well into adulthood, which really took it out of us so we're kind of "done" with that role. I'm sure I will love any grandchildren we have and be delighted to see them & babysit occasionally but a regular commitment while their parents work? No

You sound entitled OP.

I've got 4 children. I'm knackered and have given most of my adult life to them. When i become a grandparent I hope I can rest, not have responsibilities and enjoy time with just me and DH.

I may well change my mind in the next decade or two until I actually become a grandparent (children now range from 6-16). But for now, I can totally understand grandparents earning a rest.

Neither my pil's or dp's did much for my dc. They did visit though a few times a year and we went there.
Both my dc loved my dh's parents who are now deceased and absolutely love my parents who are very elderly.
We have done lots for our dgs and in summer he lives with us for 5 weeks.
Because we don't live near we pay towards after school club, we have a standing order into his bank and we buy his school shoes.
We speak to him at least twice a week.
If we lived near we would see him as often as possible, life is so much better with dgs in it.
Desperately hoping we'll spend Christmas with him this year.

Maybe they offered in good faith when you were expecting ,but realised a little later on how much work was involved. Does your Sister have special Needs or is she just enjoying being looked after.I feel for you ,and know that when we visit our lovely Great Nieces ,we always feel a tad exhausted! Their Mums and Dads are great with them ,but you tend to forget how much work goes into looking after young DC!If they are generous with their money and buying DD gifts then really thats a lot more support than many people on here get!Each situation is different and I too have fond memories of being looked after by DGP as well .(practically co parented as DF had died ,and DM had to work as a SP to me ) In contrast I have been a SAHM for a long while and DM would offer to Babysit quite cheerfully ,or have DD for an hour or two if I had an appt ,however she didnt really wish to ,or could manage say 2 or 3 set days a week .I accepted this and was glad of the help ,but like you sometimes contrasted it to my own upbringing as well.

Well both my parents are dead, so my children miss out entirely on a whole set of grandparents

My DH’s parents are local and good with my DS when I take him over to them, but they rarely initiate contact. I’m currently very heavily pregnant and DH was unwell so we decided to ask his parents if they could have DS for a couple of hours one afternoon. This is the only time they’ve ever had him alone, and it was for two hours. He’s 3 yrs old.

I just accept the relationship for what it is. They love DS and he loves them, and he’s the only grandparents he’s got so I do my best to promote the relationship. They’ve had their own health issues and clearly aren’t about to start offering much in the way of practical support. I don’t resent them for that, but I do feel sorry that my own mum is around as I know she’d have been a wonderful and very hands on grandmother.

I don’t think there’s much point in raising it unless you think there’s genuine scope for change. Just make your peace with it. DH and I are exhausted and have basically no family support from anywhere (my brother and SIL are local and equally have never ever looked after my child) but we just get on with it 🤷🏼‍♀️