Mother in Law taking over

[Luce988]

I’m a first time mum to an almost 6 month old little boy, and my mother in law seems obsessed with him and oversteps my boundaries all the time. We asked her not to tell anyone we were pregnant until we announced it, and she ended up telling her extended family because she was excited. Then she hijacked our gender reveal and we ended up doing it her way, with all these people I hadn’t even met, who found out what gender baby I was having before my own family overseas.
Since he’s been born she calls almost every day to FaceTime with him, she’s tries to visit or see us every week. She’s bought sooo things for him (like a paddling pool, rocking horse, high chair, baby walker, swing chair, playmat.. and these all live at her place for when we visit) even though we tell her not to because she struggles with money. She also says and does stuff that isn’t helpful like when I was going out of my mind because he wasn’t sleeping well (reflux), she just says oh he doesn’t look tired, and then gets in his face and stimulates him. She also said we should swaddle him (a huge 6 month old who is rolling onto his front every night!?) When I said I was trying to get him into a routine, she said routines don’t work and we need to “go with the flow”. When I asked her to switch off the TV as we try and limit his screen time especially before sleep, she just switched it on ten minutes later for him. She keeps coming up with plans to send us away for a night or two and she can babysit, when she knows full well I breastfeed him. She’s been bringing up solids for months ever since he was 3 months old and I keep saying I’m waiting til 6 months, but she won’t listen and even fed him some fruit at the table the other day. When my husband said, don’t do that, she said oh it’s fine. Now baby is starting to say “mama” and when we showed her she said, no he’s saying nana!

I feel like she’s reliving motherhood through my son and pressuring us to do everything her way and we just need to figure out stuff for ourselves, and need her to support us whether she agrees with our approach or not. It’s hard to bring anything up with her as my husband never wants to upset her. Whenever I bring anything up with her, she gets really upset and plays the victim and everyone in the family treats me like the bad guy.

Ugh what do I do? I’m basically refusing to see her at the moment but it’s not a long term solution.

Disengage and let your husband manage her.

Agree it’s for your husband to speak to her. She sounds excited and I hear about this a lot. The gifts etc I don’t see as a problem, and the old fashioned advice is something I’m sure most of us get from our relatives, however feeding him solids without your permission is not on, neither is the TV or any other decision you’ve made for your baby.

I would be gentle but firm.

Ugh. All my sympathies, i posted recently about my MIL too she's similar. Reading your post made my blood boil. Not much advice im in the same boat and it seems many others are too, my MIL begs me to keep my 3 month old at hers away from me overnight, for me to just leave her bottles (which ive said i dont want to do!) Etc. Like your MIL she ignores me saying my child in tired and jumps to stimulation. Its selfish.

Honestly rereading again i want to say just cut ties almost completely and really limit the time she seems your baby. Part of me says thats cruel, but, the other part of me says she brought it on herself with her behaviour

Pick your battles, but then be really firm on the things that really matter to you.

For me, if she wants to waste her money on stuff for her house, although it’s annoying it’s not doing any harm. So let that pass (or whatever else you decide doesn’t bug you too much). But don’t allow her an inch on things that really matter - get used to saying “No. DS is our child, not yours, and we will make these decisions. If you won’t abide by our decisions, we can’t trust you with DS”. She will ABSOLUTELY make you the bad guy to her friends/relations - do you care? If they know you independently, they might nod and smile to her but they’ll know it’s not accurate, if they don’t know you it doesn’t matter what they think of you!

If she FaceTimes each day, just don’t answer! Only answer if it’s convenient to you, and be prepared to breezily say you need to go now, lovely to hear from you. Only my DHs family really use our landline, so I happily ignore it sometimes - he can check the answer machine when he gets home and call them back.

Just don’t allow your boundaries to be overstepped. Don’t ever raise your voice or lose your calm, but decide what you’re going to call her up on and then do it every time.

You think your 6 month old is saying 'mama' and you're limiting his screen time

@StylishMummy

You think your 6 month old is saying 'mama' and you're limiting his screen time

What's wrong with limiting screen time? In my opinion they shouldn't have it that young in the first place but at least OP is trying to manage it?

@StylishMummy your comment is not really relevant to the OPs problem.

Also, it is recommended not to have screen time for children that age! So why pick up the OP for that? Many children of that age are capable of that sound combination, so it’s not that odd for them to repeat that sound as part of babbling, nor is it unprecedented for it to be said with meaning - some children meet motor milestones very early, some are early talkers (mine was).

It sounds very, very annoying, but your MIL wont take over unless she moves in with you. (Dont let her move in in with you!!!)

Think of all the hours she isnt visiting or face timing. It must be the majority of your life.

I suppose i feel that the more people that love my child the better as the worlds a harsh place and yes she probably is remembering when she brought your husband home as a baby. A new baby is exciting and it dors bring back memories.

This doesnt mean i think you should just let her do what she wants. Its fine to say 'no grandma that doesnt work for baby'

I understand OP, my mum was the same. I wouldn’t really worry about the gifts, they are at her house so not clogging up yours. You just need to be firm and stand your ground and make sure DH has your back.

Definitely put your foot down with the food. My mum kept saying that me and my siblings were on solids from 10 weeks and that 6 months is ridiculous despite the fact that both me and my DSis have digestive issues. Needless to say I ignored her.