Can parents meet all of their children's needs, realistically?

[qwertypie]

My son is 6 and I feel constantly suffocated and harassed by him whenever we're at home. We try to be out as much as possible but it's not always possible!

It's like he wants something that neither DH nor I have the capacity to give him. At times his behaviour is so draining (he wants CONSTANT interaction with us, and often has raging tantrums) that we stick him in front of the TV just to breathe, but this isn't meeting whatever need he has for connection, physical play etc.

It's led me to wonder if it's really possible for parents to meet all of a young child's needs? I feel like there's an expectation for us to achieve this, but I do not feel like I can be my child's caregiver, emotional punching bag/coach, cook, cleaner, PA, playmate, etc and still take care of my own needs. I suppose it also has to do with the fact that as a species we're not designed to live in nuclear families.

Can anyone relate or am I just spiralling into insanity?

Definitely relate. I think we are victims of an idealised, perfectionistic society and have internalised this idea of a perfect parent who as long as they just meet all their child’s needs, they will be perfectly secure and adjusted.

I hang on to research I use in my work with parents, to get through being a parent. Apparently for generally emotionally healthy children, they develop healthily as long as they have emotional attunement (connection, someone recognising their feelings and needs) etc at least 30% of the time. Therefore the 70% ncludes the ‘i feel exhausted by you’ responses! Not ideal of course, and we should take steps to minimise them, but the idea is that the quality interactions are enough to get them through the more shit parenting.

Children who have experienced trauma or poor attachments however, need more like 70% attunement, to help them recover and thrive. This is why being a foster carer is heroic!

But all that said, sounds like there is potentially some kind of need that is not being met if he is so demanding of interaction - possibly he feels a level of rejection because he gets the feedback that he is wearying? I know this happens with my eldest and the more she feels like she’s getting feedback that she’s annoying, the more annoying she becomes. It’s a sign to me/us that breaks are needed so that we can come back a bit more refreshed and ready to receive whatever feelings are there.

Being in a relationship with young children is incredibly challenging isn’t it. Don’t be hard on yourself and accept you have needs too.

That doesn’t sound like trying to meet his needs. That sounds like trying to meet his constant wants.

What he needs is to understand that the world isn’t at his constant beck and call and that his parents have their own needs too. He’s old enough to understand. Sounds like a bit of tough love is in order. It’ll set him up better for the real world than constantly pandering to him. My just turned 3 year old knows he has to wait if I’m talking to someone else.

One need children have is to find their own independence, sometimes by being encouraged to do things for themselves, sometimes by being allowed to be bored, sometimes by working through their tantrums and realising that it doesn't get them anywhere.

Also, 6yos can be a bit raging at the best of times.

Also, these are shit times and at 6 he will notice.

Also, they need lots of exercise.

Hi OP, I can relate to some extent, but I think that raging tantrums in a 6yo is an indication that your son's needs are higher than normal. How frequently do they occur? How's he getting on at school?

Another one who thinks it's his wants not needs. No one's wants need to all be met

Is this a recentish problem? Could he be lonely because he is getting less peer interaction due to lockdown?

My DD is younger (just 4) but I definitely find when we haven’t seen anyone for a long time she is much more needy and whingy and just wants my constant attention, whereas if she’s seen a friend and had a decent chunk of pretend play/running round like a mad thing with them then she is much calmer at home and happier to entertain herself.

If that’s the problem, I don’t know the solution! I’m just desperately looking forward to things being more normal some time next year!

Raging tantrums doesn’t sound good for a 6yo. How do you respond to them? Would you consider looking into alternatives to see if a few tweaks have any effect on his behaviour?

Op I totally know what you mean. Today I woke up to utter torture of my kids turning on the lights and fighting at 7am. I was in the middle of a deep dream state and sleep. I did not react at all well. I am comforted by the research @Merename quotes.

My immediate reaction to your post was that the parent/child relationship can be quite intense, especially for an only child.

I’m not critical of one child families, but especially under the current circumstances I have spared a thought for how challenging it must be for families with one young child.

Dc need to be satisfied with just living imo. My friend was never home and her dc were simply unable to be unsupervised /amused for even the shortest time.
My ds 6bis currently eating toast while on his x box. Sat treat... Meanwhile I have hung washing /made beds /brushed ddogs and had a cuppa. In half an hour!!

Tbh that sounds like an unusual level of needing attention and interaction for a 6yo. Are there any additional needs at play? All kids have their moments, but no, I don't think I ever felt unable to meet all of my children's needs tbh. I've read a few things on MN recently about the idea that child-rearing would be easier shared in larger community groups rather than a nuclear family, but I hate the idea of that personally.

You need to find him a hobby or skill. My daughter had a reputation for being well behaved/ easy to care for at that age (and now TBF) She has her faults, but basically really enjoyed Hama beads at that age. So she could sit and endlessly Hama bead, all I had to do was be prepared to iron. My nephew did similar with Lego. Both kids are "high energy" and needed exercise / scooters / parks, but once they had this they were happy to sit and do. My own son didn't ever have something he could sit and do, he's more of a 'player' and likes to be watched / have us join in. If I want to ignore him, I need to set him up with an activity first. I've taught him to play patience, he enjoys what i think of as "easy crafts" (like the black paper you scrape away to reveal colours underneath), superzings, and now Pokémon trading cards. Playing alone is a skill that comes easier to some than to others; sometimes you have to explicitly teach it.

Also, I think constant interaction and entertainment fuel the need for constant interaction and entertainment. Children need to be able to be bored and find their own ways of amusing themselves. Easier said than done if you're already in that constant demand situation though.

@merename are you able to link or point me in the direction of the research you refer to please? I'd be very interested to have a read.

OP, I agree that we are not meant to live in nuclear families. Our culture has evolved for individualism but our evolutionary need for community and connection supercedes everything.

I know what you mean op. Dd6 & ds3 here. I've just told them they're like bees buzzing in my head!

Some good advice already on this thread, I had heard the 30% thing, and I agree with comments needs vs wants. Also to set them up with something they can do.

Some other ideas... A teacher friend gave me a helpful tip about having some toys out in easy view, and rotating them around. This has really helped here! If all the toys are away, it's almost like Dd can't choose. I now get something out and set up and leave it out several days. This week its playmobil all set up ready to go. This morning dd came down and started playing right where she left off last night. My friend says this is called 'invitation to play'.

If you follow five minute mum on Facebook you will get some great tips on there for things you can set up in 5mins and either do with them or leave them to it. Hopefully you'll like the ethos of the page too that we're all busy, kids are hard, but 5 mins effort and interaction goes a long way.

What helps me too is I've got an app called 'forest' on my phone that locks me out of my apps for a time that I can set. So I set it for 20mins and put it up away, then I feel like I can fully concentrate on the kids for a set period. Then I know I'm meeting their needs.

After that I do think they need to get bored! Being bored is great for their brains!!! Seriously.

That doesn’t sound like trying to meet his needs. That sounds like trying to meet his constant wants.

What he needs is to understand that the world isn’t at his constant beck and call and that his parents have their own needs too. He’s old enough to understand. Sounds like a bit of tough love is in order. It’ll set him up better for the real world than constantly pandering to him. My just turned 3 year old knows he has to wait if I’m talking to someone else.

I agree with the above…he needs to be able to play on his own and be content with that

Ah I knew when I wrote that, someone would ask and I’m afraid I can’t remember, I thought Suzanne zeedyk - who is lovely to read but a quick google looks like not her. It’s part of the theory in this parenting model www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/ - and some of the blog posts reference it but not the original research. I like the post about parenting being ‘inconvenient’ - So true and very touching.

I've also started packing the kids a lunch box of their snacks for the day so they can manage that themselves a bit, they know that's their lot and stop bugging! Putting drinks for the day in front of a drinks station sign, same reason. And having set times that they can have TV if they want, breakfast time, after lunch, and while I'm cooking tea, with 2hrs max for the day counting down on a timer, but again they can spend their allowance how they want.

Sorry all this is about stopping the constant bugging me for 'all the things' and I hope putting them in control a little bit but within limits

No its very hard to meet all of a childs needs and not healthy at all to meet all of their wants. Hopefully you are in a position to make your child feel safe, have adequete shelter, clothing and warmth and access to healthcare and education - but many families struggle to provide those things.

Sometime if you have 2 children they have clashing needs (eg one that likes quiet, small groupd and lots of rest and one that needs a lot of physical activity and social contact).

I think there's a massive difference between meeting their 'needs' and meeting their 'wants'.

On the most basic level, he 'needs' to be fed, he needs to sleep, he needs to be kept clean. I'm sure you're doing all of those things.

Then, not essential with regards to life or death but very important for overall wellbeing, he needs to be loved, which I'm sure you're also doing.

After that, to be honest, it's all about wants rather than needs. He wants a snack. He wants to play a game. He wants to have a new toy. Obviously the vast majority of parents will give in to some of these wants, as they're things that decide how fulfilling childhood truly is - but give in to too many and it's like they expect to get whatever they want, and throw a tantrum when something doesn't arrive.

Motherhood is a constant balancing act, very few (if any) have it perfectly worked out, but please don't feel like you have to give him everything he asks for. Sitting him in front of the TV for a while so you can have a break and get things done is absolutely fine so long as it's not all he does all day (and to be honest even a whole day every now and then isn't the end of the world if say you're unwell or are at the end of your tether).

My DD (nearly 5) is the same, it's very intense and I find if I am in the house she will follow me wherever I go and cry if I leave her on her own. It is exhausting. I am looking forward to when she doesn't need me as much but then feel bad as I'm wishing her life away, and mine!