I don’t love my daughter. Please help/advise

[Ozster]

Please don’t judge me or make me feel worse than I already do.

I need some advice and help.

I have a 10 year old DD and a 5 year old DS.

When DD was born I suffered from crippling PND and panic attacks , we were so so poor and it was a horrible time. I’ve always cared for her , played with her , made sure she was happy etc

But since my son was born my feeling towards her changed. I don’t know why ?

I just don’t feel motherly I’ve for her like I do do DS :( and it breaks me heart.

I have to make an active effort to hug her/tell her I love her etc but I often forget and I can know she can tell I love DS more.

How can I put this right ? What can I do to make her feel really loved. I want to I do any damage I may have done to her in the last few years . I want to show her so much love that that’s all she remembers.
I feel awful and so sad.i care deeply for her and want her to thrive as an adult .

It sounds like you do love your daughter. If you didn't, you wouldn't care. But you need some help right now. Maybe have a word with your GP and find out if you're able to access any counselling. I would say Health Visitor, but they don't help with older kids do they? GP may have to be first port of call.

I have to make an active effort to hug her/tell her I love her etc but I often forget

Work on not forgetting. Do this more. Make it a routine. Set yourself reminders. Whatever it takes.

I am a believer in the idea that love is an action rather than a feeling in the long term. You may not feel like you love your daughter, but you can still choose to love her.

Can you ask your GP for some counselling to work through the horrible time you went through when DD was a tiny baby? Clearly, as MasterBruceBalloon said, you do love her, you may just need some help letting it rise to the surface. Can you try and have some 1-1 time with her over half term?

@PullTheBricksDown

I have to make an active effort to hug her/tell her I love her etc but I often forget

Work on not forgetting. Do this more. Make it a routine. Set yourself reminders. Whatever it takes.

I am a believer in the idea that love is an action rather than a feeling in the long term. You may not feel like you love your daughter, but you can still choose to love her.

This exactly. Love is an action as well as a feeling. Put reminders everywhere to remind yourself to hug her, affirm her, smile at her.

Agree with the PPs, but you HAVE to keep working on this. Even if you're faking. Lack of love from a parent is everso damaging for a child.
Please keep trying.

No blame or criticism intended - you feel how you feel, and no judgement from me for that.

Do you have an OH?

Or anyone else DS can spend some time with?

I know Corona but still.

1-1 time will help. Get to know who she is etc. Grow closer. Needs time just the two of you. She deserves that.

My mum, I've been told, just lost interest in me when my brother was born. When I was told that a lot made sense.

I'm in my late 40s and still trying to get to grips with the fact my own mother doesn't love me.

You have noticed and you do care. This is rectifiable.

5 year olds and 10 year olds are different. It is ok to treat them differently and feel differently about them. Not more or less, but different.

I have a 5 year old and 10 year old. The 5 year old still has a lot of cuteness and is probably easier to hug. She can sit on my lap and I do feel more protective of her as she is more vulnerable than her sister. She still appears in our bed some nights and I love that snuggly feeling. But my 10 year old is more interesting to talk to, she asks more interesting questions and we can share more interests. It is a different relationship and if I wanted to, I could describe myself as feeling less inclined to hug my 10 year old and feel motherly towards her. But I think instead I have framed it in my mind as a different stage in their childhood and every bit as enjoyable.

So I wonder if you really don't love your daughter or just need to look at your relationships with your children from a different perspective.

I do also agree with scheduling those hugs and telling your DD that you love her. Most parents probably have a schedule in there, that's become a habit. My DD1 gets a kiss when I drop her at school (as long as she will let me ), a squeeze when I pick her up and a hug at bedtime. She might get more than that, but those are ingrained habits.

If you're worried can you look into Theraplay which is different from play Therapy and about building the foundations of attachment creating opportunities that may have been missed during your PND.
Google it you should be able to find some activities to try
Your school link worker may be able to help access this on a more therapeutic basis.
Don't give up hope Bruce Perry wrote a book called The Boy who was raised as a dog one of the case studies is a woman who struggled to attach to her son. The upshot was learning to love can be like learning a foreign language.
Speaking up is really brave and I hope you find a way forwards

Take small steps. Do things with her that she likes to do, and be affirmative. You may not want to go there but if you follow her, you might find something... You haven't said how old she is... Find her, and a way into her, and you will at least be halfway there..

@Ais20

Take small steps. Do things with her that she likes to do, and be affirmative. You may not want to go there but if you follow her, you might find something... You haven't said how old she is... Find her, and a way into her, and you will at least be halfway there..

It's the 3rd sentenceher DD is 10!

OP has said how old she is; she's ten.

I really feel for you OP. Your post broke my heart, honestly. I think you've had a very trying time. My only advice - and it's not a phrase I'd use ordinarily, but it seems strangely apposite - is 'fake it until you make it'. You may never feel how you'd like to about your daughter BUT, as others have said, I'm afraid you'll have to shoulder that and make sure that she never, ever gets so much as a suspicion that it might be the case.

I have spent large chunks of my little DS's childhood trying to ignore him. Not because I don't love him but because I've been busy working, usually from home, and trying to cram in studying for a degree as well. It's been hard when I'm stressed and have deadlines not to "resent" his frequent intrusions sometimes. I have too much work to fit it into his nursery hours. I'm often tired, grumpy and don't really want to interact with him.

I've made peace with myself by trying to spend at least 2-3 hours every day having 'quality' time with him. On bad days, I actually time it to make sure we've had it. We read books, sing songs, play trains and cars, have dolly and teddy tea parties, build tents, bake cakes, cuddle on the sofa, play in the bath, do messy play and colouring in and go for walks and to the playground. I try to focus on him as much as I can during that time - no thinking about work, checking my phone etc. While usually I enjoy this time, sometimes I'm really exhausted and not in the mood and I just have to fake it. Hopefully this goes some way to make up for being slightly abstracted the rest of the time.

Your DC are older, but surely what would improve things with your DD would be setting aside some time a few times a week to do an activity she enjoys and really focusing on her during that time. My own DM was not particularly "huggy" (I'm much more physically affectionate with DS than she ever was with any of us) but we did have lovely chats and do lots of fun activities together. Obviously, be open to your DD's need for physical affection, but surely the most important thing at this age is to make it clear that you're emotionally available to her.

I have been there OP. I have two dc and suffered terrible PND with ds but not dd. It really affected how I felt about them and I drove myself to the brink feeling horrific guilt over the lasting impact on my relationship with ds. I have had a lot of therapy and this has helped me to realise the love is a verb - like you I have always done the love even if I didn’t necessarily feel the love. What I have come to realise is that doing the love IS love. Once this concept clicked (really clicked on an emotional not just logical level) I was able to forgive myself for how I felt about ds and let go of the burden of guilt. From there I kind of fell in love with ds or more accurately, allowed myself to feel loving towards him. It has been a hard and long journey but I am so grateful for every minute of the therapy as I honestly believe it has saved me. PND is a very complex issue to deal with and its ramifications can be felt for years later. It is t your fault that you went through a terrible time in the early days but you have a choice now how to deal with those feelings. I really urge you to speak to a professional. Good luck x

Isn’t

I think amazing you've recognised an issue, know route cause and trying to address.

There's usually so much pressure on first time mum e.g being able to breast feed immediately; it's completely natural, right?

Often, any control has been taken away from you in how you give birth let alone the sheer horror / pain "I think I'm going to die".

Have you had less interference with second kid so allowed you to establish your own routine and being more confident in laying down boundaries as opposed to all and sundry declaiming they knew best how to look after first born daughter.

Thank you everyone for your kind replies and useful advise.

I guess I do love her but just not as much as my DS. And I suppose that is ok as long as I don’t let her FEEl less loved.

I think I will schedule in hugs/kisses time with her as suggested. ( I get upset because it feels like a chore and it shouldn’t?)

And I’ll also have some 1-1 time with her weekly.

My DH is amazing if he kisses DS he makes sure he does the same for DD and I can see the smile on her face even moments later. And she is very close to her grandma.

But nothing will make a difference if she grows up feelings her own mother didn’t love her so I def need to make more of an effort. I’m her mum and it’s my responsibility.

I see this has been suggested already so I will and my support for Theraplay. Have a look for examples on you tube. It is all designed specifically to increase the bond between parent and child and is suitable for all ages.

How awful Op. well done you for recognising this and seeking help. It may be that you have PTSD from your PND and this has numbed your feelings. If you can get access to therapy you might find EDMR particularly helpful.

Sorry for all the acronyms. Wishing you well.

I guess I do love her but just not as much as my DS. And I suppose that is ok as long as I don’t let her FEEl less loved

But she will. Kids aren't stupid. You say you don't love her, but you do love your son...she knows this already. I do think you should take all the advice above and do a lot better wth your actions, but its not helpful to pretend she hasn't a clue.

Do they have different fathers?

I'm sorry OP, but I think you need to grow to love her as much as you love your DS. The first step to doing that is to realise that your own actions have consequences. If she feels you criticizing her or withdrawing from her, she's going to become needy, defiant and defensive. Any behaviour you may dislike in her may be a response to the unwelcoming vibes she senses from you. You need to be her biggest champion in life and at the moment you're a half-hearted one. Why don't you start by making a list of the five things you love best about her? And appreciate those. And then make a list of the five things which irritate you the most and see if you can work on those things through quality one-on-one time with her.

I'd see a therapist if i were you OP, this is quite a disturbing situation and very damaging for your daughter. She's 10 not 2, she'll know if you're faking, especially if you're not faking with your son.