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2 year old tantrums - how do you deal with them in the moment?

10 replies

Lioncar · 22/10/2020 11:50

my nearly 2 year old has started having very big blow ups/tantrums and honestly I have no idea how to deal with them.

I started by desperately trying to find anything to settle him which resulted in us watching YouTube for 2 hours at bedtime. I realise this was a bad idea as he now kicks off whenever he wants to watch something on my phone.

What I'm unsure of is do I leave him and ignore him to go through the motions of his tantrum or do I try to intervene and distract him (rarely works!).

Please help!

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Ohalrightthen · 22/10/2020 12:38

Ignore, remove anything dangerous, comfort when calm.

RaisinGhost · 22/10/2020 12:46

If tantrum is minor I try to distract once, if it is a big one or distraction doesn't immediately work I switch to ignoring him.

newmumwithquestions · 22/10/2020 13:01

Ignore if it’s safe. DD used to bash her head against the wall so I often had to restrain her.

Once they’re starting to come out of it then I find that giving them a bit of control can help... ‘I understand that you’re upset. Are you ready to talk about it or would you like 5 minutes to calm down?’ Do not give them whatever they’re tantrumming about!

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MonkeyPuddle · 22/10/2020 13:02

Ignore if safe to do so, reassure them that I’ll be there when they’re ready for a cuddle if they would like one.

Lazypuppy · 22/10/2020 14:20

Ignore. If he's just having a tantrum. Let him work it out

If he starts trying to hit people or things, i've always used the naughty step for DD, and anything really bad she gets put in her room to calm down

TheBlogmom · 22/10/2020 14:25

hello, @Lioncar
what a difficult phase it is not only for you, but also for your little one. My son also had a very difficult time during this phase. Strangely enough, it also worked out very well for me by distracting my toddler from the situation so that it doesn't get out of hand!

Here deblogmama.wordpress.com/ I have some basic tips for you on how best to act during the tantrums, my blog is in Dutch but with the translation tool at the bottom of the page you can fully translate my blog into the language of your preference. Come and join the family !

Here I discuss everything about children, parenting, and upbringing and interior and furnishing. If you have any questions, I would love to help you 😘

FizzingWhizzbee123 · 22/10/2020 15:13

When they’ve totally lost it, there’s not much you can do. My DS gets enraged and doesn’t want to be touched. I usually just stay nearby quietly (walking away escalates it to a whole new level of rage) and say I’m here when he wants to talk. When he calms down, he comes over for a much needed cuddle and we talk it through. Even if what started it requires a consequence, I always give him a cuddle afterwards as he’s processing some big feelings and simply lost control and needs some reassurance.

We’ve had some success with “blowing out candles”, to try and get him to focus on his breathing. Put up five fingers and got him to blow at them, putting down a finger for each good long slow blow. Sometimes you can pop a finger back up or joke that one won’t blow out, if you think they’re calm enough to distract out of it.

Thatwentbadly · 22/10/2020 16:09

With my older DD I would just sit outside of hitting/kicking in range and wait until she was ready for a cuddle. Anything else just made it worse.

Lioncar · 23/10/2020 14:39

Thank you its reassuring to know I'm not on my own. I know I'm not but it really feels like it doesn't it!

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crazychemist · 24/10/2020 11:13

Initially, look for ways to avoid tantrums if possible - do certain things set one off? My Dd used to get “hangry” so having a healthy snack handy could avoid quite a few (at 4, she still now gets tearful if lunch or dinner are late - hoping this doesn’t last for ever!). Tiredness or lack of exercise also seemed to be common triggers for her - although she wasn’t a huge tantrummer, they were definitely more common if she hadn’t had enough fresh air or if she hadn’t had enough sleep (hard with a 2 year old, I know).

We used to use something from The Happiest Toddler on the Block (which I highly highly recommend). As soon as they start getting cross, make it clear that you understand what/why they are feeling in simple language e.g. “you’re cross! Really really cross! You want the train.” While you’re doing this you reflect some of their emotion so that they can see in your face that you understand even if they are beyond listening to words (think about if you were chatting to a friend who had lost their job, you’d have a sympathetic face, whereas if someone was pissed off with a cheating bf you’d probably reflect some of their anger on your face - it makes people feel listened to and understood). Then you lower your tone a little and stay calm and keep using simple language “Dinner first, then train. It’s time for dinner now. Come to the table”.

I found it worked amazingly quickly (once I got over feeling like a complete Pratt doing the first part in public). Sometimes toddlers need to hear the name for what they are feeling to help them express it.

You can also give them other ways to express strong feelings - they can’t (and probably shouldn’t) try to just suppress big emotions, they need help expressing appropriately. So you can do “you’re so cross! Can you stamp really hard to show me how cross you are? Wow, that’s really cross. Can you clap as loud as you can to show me how cross you feel?” Helping them process it can help them to feel understood, but also distracts them very quickly without resorting to things that you’d probably rather not e.g. a bribe, screen time.

If they really need to just work out some physical stuff, you can do so. I wasn’t a fan of complete ignoring unless it was whinging (e.g. something they are in control of, rather than just having an explosion of feeling that they don’t know how to handle). So I’d go for something along the lines of “you’re really cross that you can’t have the train! You need to scream and kick on the floor for a while. When you are ready, I’ll be over here and we can have a cuddle to help you feel better”. Hopefully they come for a cuddle fairly soon, and we focus on breathing in calm feelings (works for my DD) and breathing out the anger.

Obvious exceptions are if they are doing something unacceptable to someone e.g. hurting, something dangerous.

Also, some children do genuinely seem to need a bit of space to calm down, so too much interaction is unhelpful. You’ll know your child best and know if this applies to him.

Remember, a certain amount of tantrumming is perfectly normal - children are learning to process and deal with their emotions at this age, and view you as a safe place to learn how to do this. You want to give them to tools so that they learn to calm themselves down and deal with how they are feeling in appropriate ways.

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